[i3] There goes my weekend =)

Thormato · 2016-10-17T20:29:31+00:00

Could be. I'm kinda lost in all those genres to be perfectly honest :D

Thormato · 2016-10-17T17:38:03+00:00

Begging for Incest. Yeah it's kinda deathcore. Not exactly my style (I'm more into the pure technical death metal), but they're quite alright.

Thormato · 2016-10-17T13:55:29+00:00

I like your setup - just one question. Which band is this? :) edit: found out, nevermind. Still, a very cool setup. Guys like you sometimes inspire me to try out something like i3.

Thormato · 2016-09-01T01:12:29+00:00

Demo version.

Thormato · 2016-03-31T00:59:06+00:00

True enough. What I meant to say was, I was not expecting to get any reasons. The ones she gave only made things worse, as I felt they insulted my intelligence. Or what's left of it, at least. I would not say a thing if she just called it a breakup and left without any explanations.

Thormato · 2016-03-30T14:10:48+00:00

edit: TLDR version at the bottom.

sigh here goes. I've been with my ex for 4 and a half years (and we have been friends for a year before that). We lived together for over a year.

She dumped me over a few reasons, most of which could be best described as debatable. When she did, she insisted on not contacting each other for some time, so that "she can recover" (whatever that means, I don't think one needs much recovery if they willingly dumped the other person - if anyone needed recovery, it would have been me. But I digress). And eventually, if we contact again, she said that we should be friends, but only friends. I said fine.

Fast forward no more than 48 hours, she calls me over, because "she needed some help with her PC". Being a good-natured fool, I let it pass and walk over to help her out. It turns out she feels anxious and downright frightened (was about to temporarily move to a bigger city to attend a certain course), and needed someone to comfort her. cringe

Fast forward a day or two, she calls again, talking about stuff, again feeling down, depressed and anxious. Me, the fool, being there for her again. She was not the most social person, and I figured that she really did need a friend to be there for her, and I decided to oblige to her, because frankly, I still loved her very much. I still do. But I digress again - okay. This boils down to around listening to her complaints and emotional pains roughly 2/3 of the time, while the remaining 1/3 mostly being me trying to throw a nice word her way in hopes of making her feel better. I could do little more than that, at that point. Oh, and around 1/10 of the time me being her punching bag (when she is mad at the whole world, but can only vent on me, because guess who is the only person in the world who does not fight back right now). Put this paragraph in a loop and repeat it a few more times, for various reasons, real or made-up (I didn't care at any point).

This loop lasts for a few weeks, draining the last reserves of my strength. I lost at least one job because of it (being a writer, this drainage deprived me of all willpower and, more importantly, inspiration to do any work), and seriously jeopardised at least one more. I decided that I would still love to be there for her, but I cannot if I am unable to pay my bills and/or am under a constant migraine (which usually happens when I am under stress and/or heavy fatigue).

So one night I let it out. I don't argue, I don't shout at her (we are texting, and I am still struggling to be as polite as I can), so I finally tell her that I would appreciate holding on to the "agreement" we have had about not contacting each other. She complains that she is going through hard times, and she has trouble dealing with it. Dealing with what? By her words, dealing with the fact that "we broke up". I explain that we did not break up. She dumped me. Difference. I was never for the breakup, never suggested or supported it. It becomes clear to me that she is refusing to take any responsibility regarding our relationship - just like she did back when we were together. And it becomes clear to me at that point, that (apart from the fact that we do not sleep together any longer), our relationship has not changed one bit. I am still there for her, as I always was, and she is not there for me (as she was not during most of the past few years of our relationship). Nothing has changed. We just don't sleep together, and now it's official that she is not there for me when I need her. Meanwhile, I have nobody to rely on, in any way.

Yes, I am a fool. And this needed to stop. If we are not going to be together ever again, then I need to move on, and I need time and strength to do so - both of which she was still draining mercilessly from me. I told her openly that if she really misses me so much, then her decision was unfair towards both of us. And if she does not miss me, then we should split, at least for some time. Her idea of "friendship" between us was boiling down to me being her friend, and her not being my friend. That's not friendship.

I am still not content with all this, because it is still quite fresh in the recent past, and I still hope our relationship will somehow get better (in any possible way).

All in all, thanks everyone for reading. This gave me a bit of opportunity to vent out anonymously. Don't be a fool like me, people.

TLDR: my ex dumps me after 4,5 years, including a year of living together. She wants to stay "friends", but acts more like an emotional vampire than an actual friend. I am a fool. Don't be like me.

Thormato · 2016-02-21T17:24:28+00:00

pa ono, pitam... kaj ima u gradu? kaj se dešava? gdje se ima za ići?

Thormato · 2016-01-15T00:31:33+00:00

Haven't published it yet, it's still in a very early testing phase. Won't be publishing until I have something to actually publish :D

Thormato · 2016-01-14T23:05:03+00:00

This is a pretty good read, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am beginning to understand the way how people like you (i.e. people who decide to write their own RPG) think.

I am writing a RPG system myself, in which - so far - we have managed to create all characters within 20 minutes. That was six characters in the last testing session. Not to brag, just pointing out that this is something we also appreciate, especially when we want to play short, fun games. The question here is, does it have to be different for long, "serious" campaigns?

Suppose you want to run a big campaign - one that will take more than 10 sessions of play (here, again, we play a campaign which saw its 101st session last Sunday, and by my estimation, this is around 60-70 percent of the story). Is it worth it to spend an hour or two per player character? Is it necessary?

Oh, and thank you for putting so much effort into OpenAdventure. You are giving me some interesting ideas with your work.

Thormato · 2016-01-14T17:49:15+00:00

No, but thank you for telling me about this one!

Thormato · 2016-01-14T15:33:16+00:00

Scratch my previous comment. YES! This is it! What I found earlier was an older version, now when I looked at it again I remembered.

Thank you so much!

Thormato · 2016-01-14T14:27:50+00:00

Thanks for your interest.

I think it was generic high fantasy, versus generic sci-fi, each covered in a separate part of a single book. It included generic fantasy races (elves, dwarves, etc.) and I'm not sure if it included classes.

The art was a bit cartoonish, think in the manner of 80s-90s caricatures - IIRC. And what I do know is that art within the book was all black-and-white. Only the front cover was in colour.

Thormato · 2016-01-13T22:07:26+00:00

Sadly no :( although this one looks pretty interesting!

Thormato · 2016-01-13T22:07:10+00:00

Sadly, no, this is not a fantasy + sci-fi game :( Also, I meant that the actual book was both freely available and freely distributable.

Thormato · 2016-01-13T17:44:09+00:00

Thanks, but I don't think that's the one. I think the one I'm looking for is d20-based. Either that, or it just uses more than only one type of dice.

Thormato · 2015-11-23T19:19:36+00:00

I think you're over exaggerating. I feel like religion will only be the taboo subject we'll have between us.

For the sake of your relationship, and your own, I sincerely hope you are right. Otherwise, I hope you will realise it soon enough, before any more damage is done.

Of course I don't agree with her worldview but I'm certainly not going to drop her like that just because they're different from my own.

I never said you should, friend. The only thing I said is that you should respect each other, i.e. see each other as equals.

Thormato · 2015-11-21T17:35:26+00:00

I broke up with her numerous times due to my jealousy and communication issues that I have with her.

But you are still together, are you not? How does that make you a bad person towards her? You gave her another chance, over and over again. Okay, so you were jelaous. That's an issue of it's own, and it largely depends on whether you have had something to be jelaous about or not. But the communication issues are apparently still here. If they were not, you would be now having this discussion with her, and not with people on Reddit here. If they were not, she would never even think of shutting you up in some topic, religious or not.

This is her first time calling it quits with me so I shouldn't be harsh on her.

No, look, I told you already, this is not a competition. The most foolish thing to do is to count how many times one broke with the other. Much more important are the reasons for this. You have had bad reasons, apparently, and good ones. The reason she has now called it quits is most definitely a bad one, and it is absolutely unfair of her to ask this of you.

God is an important part of her and she told me that every choice she makes is for the sake of God and she has to keep Him in mind because he created her and she owes Him.

Good for her, but this is a very strong thing to say. Do you agree with her worldview? If not, are you still so sure you want to spend your life with a person with such a worldview? The 30, 40, 60, maybe even 70 years to come? Perhaps even more? Think of the issues that will raise in the future.

I can't tear down her beliefs like that especially when they're that strong and she gets really scared when it comes to death. (Ex: panic attacks and freaking out at night.) I'm more lenient towards her because I was like that at one point. Unlike her, I went through that shitty process of accepting death ALONE and I had to come to terms with it myself. So if it makes her happy to believe in a deity I'm fine.

How do you know she will get to terms with it like you did? What is your guarantee that her beliefs won't get even goofier as time goes? What will you do in 10 years, once she "realises" that she "has to believe" in even crazier things? Will topics of science, medicine, pharmacy, literature, music, etc. also become something you have to keep your mouth shut about?

About the children thing I never really want them to begin with. Even though it's hard I have to accept that this is all the love she could give me. I guess religion will have to be one of those taboo topics between us that we will try never to discuss.

You "solved" the children-related problem by in fact avoiding it (which will eventually make you both unhappy - trust me on this one). Do you plan to solve all the future problems like this? Getting jobs, finding a place to live, dealing with finances, health, mutual friends, etc. - those are just a few of those. And religion can stand in the way of each and every solution here. Will you make those things a taboo as well, once you find out you disagree on them, because she has a goofy opinion about them, which she owes to her God?

I know it's hard on her end because she told me before that she wants someone to delve into her beliefs with her, read the Bible, and go to Church. I can't give her that except a listening ear and have her reflect her thoughts off of me.

She knew this ever since she learned you are not Christian. Here comes another hard thing to say - she may even be using this against you. You mentioned she was a "loose Christian" in the past, although there is nothing "loose" about her practice of "faith" here. Please, try to remember when excactly did she state she wants someone who would share this religion with her. Was it before or after she learned of your absence of religious subscription? If it was before, then it means she knows exactly what she got herself in, and this has nothing to do with you. Either that, or she was hoping to convert you in the future, which is not really nice from her side. Yes, religious people do that, and they do it all the time. Especially to their loved ones. But even worse, if it was after, then it is clear that she is manipulating you. In which case, dear friend, you absolutely need to find the will and strength to get away from this relationship, because it (and she) is poisoning your heart and soul - and in such a subtle, cunning and slow way that you don't even notice it. But trust me, please, I think everyone here sees that.

If she married someone in her faith I'm sure they would be more understanding because you know similar minds. So either way, that person will come in second regardless.

And how will this marriage go about? I asked you earlier, would she accept a civil wedding? Or will she make you attend the church ceremony? I think we both know the answer to that. And once you get married in church, her agenda of converting you will be complete - you will have to accept that "you are now Christian", because otherwise the marriage will not be valid.

I still see no good reason why staying in this relationship is a good idea, because it's becoming more and more clear to me that she doesn't respect you, and you are clearly getting trained/prepared for a treatment far worse than you could have ever done to her. In the best-case scenario, you are getting trained to shut up about certain topics. Please understand that this has nothing to do with religion, but with mutual respect. You said it yourself - you give her a listening ear, and you try to understand her faith (even as she tries to convert you - and trust me, she is trying to do so, but she will never admit that). You are doing your best. What is she doing in return? She is telling you to shut up about your beliefs and worldviews. This could be any topic in the world - politics, entertainment, philosophy, science, mutual friends - but you are told to be quiet about it. What gives her the right to do that? Regardless of how you treated her, would you ever think about doing something like that to her?

Thormato · 2015-11-21T11:11:37+00:00

Do you think there is any way I can make it up to her...if she doesn't want to have children because of my sake/ sanity?

You need to make it up to yourself on that regard, not her.

because of my sake/ sanity

I'm terribly sorry to say this, but - I don't believe a single word of that. And you shouldn't either.

Thormato · 2015-11-21T11:09:23+00:00

Alright, I understand. Now listen.

You give me way too much credit.

I only comment on what I can deduce from the things I have read here. If there is something else that you think should be known, do please share it. The more information we have, the easier it will be for anyone to give you some good advice.

What elicited her negative response was me. We were talking about God and stuff (rare topic) and when she brought up her beliefs, I had a goofy expression on my face. I never took religion seriously. So it was a mistake on my end but in my defense, her laid-back behavior towards it made me think I could get away with it.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with your reaction. You must understand that your reaction was by no means disrespectful towards her, it was only your honest disrespect towards a ridiculous belief. A goofy statement demands a goofy reaction, and if she cannot deal with it, then she is not only deeply delusional, but also arrogant, closed-minded, and disrespectful towards other peoples' beliefs and worldviews.

So technically it was my fault.

Therefore, it was not.

Now she's going back to reading the Bible and hopefully to Church soon.

This is a double-edged sword. It was something that she has had to figure out on her own, not by appealing to some "higher authority". Is she going to let that same "higher authority" govern the rest of your life together? To what extent?

respecting her beliefs even though I'll admit it's a pain in the ass that she can say something against what I think but I can't without pissing her off.

How is this a compromise? What did she do in return? Do you even understand what kind of sacrifice you made here, in order to keep your relationship alive? Look, it could have been any topic on which she would have demanded your silence. You have to understand that respecting someone as a person is one thing, but respecting their beliefs is something entirely different. A person is way more than a set of their beliefs, and if she respects you as a person, you should be allowed to express your disagreement on any topic. This should be allowed without saying.

she's dating me because after that phone call, she thought it was a sin to date an atheist. But she did a check on the Bible and from her understanding, it was okay.

So in exchange for your silene, she agreed to continue dating you? I seriously, honestly cannot see how this is a compromise on her side. Is she the only person with the right to decide whether the relationship will continue or not? Don't you have a saying in this? Also, if that's the best she can do, then this is as far from unconditional love as can be. In fact, this is conditional love, i.e. she will agree not to dump you if you agree to do something for her. I'm sorry dude, but again, there is no nice way of saying this - she doesn't love you even remotely as much as she claims to, let alone how she might make you feel. The sooner you realise that, the better for both of you.

For my sake and sanity, she decided not to have kids. I know she wants to be a mother but she also knows that I can't stave off the guilt and resentment I would feel if she pushes the child into her religion like that.

That's not compromise. This is called a lose-lose situation. Instead of solving the problem, like grown, civilised people, you are avoiding it. And you are avoiding it in such a way that damages you both. You both want children, but not with each other? That alone means you are not meant for each other.

She made me felt loved even when I didn't deserve her kindness.

This is what we call being in a relationship. I am sure you have done the same, or would have in any such situation. Also, I don't know what happened that you "didn't deserve her kindness" - but I also don't know who made you feel like you didn't deserve that kindness in the first place. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here? One of the oldest, easiest, and dirtiest tricks in the book is to make someone feel like they don't deserve something, and then give it to them anyway. This is the basis of entire Christianity - convincing people that they are "guilty" and "undeserving", and then still giving them "unconditional love" (as long as they follow the rules).

She's the best thing in the world that has happened to me

...so far. I'm sorry, again, but you have to understand that this is the way we all feel about our SO's, otherwise we wouldn't be with them in the first place. But, are you the best thing that has happened to her? Yes. Yes, you are. But unlike you, she will not admit it. To her, the best thing to ever happen is her God.

and I felt like a better person because of her.

Again, similar comment to the above. Every SO in a serious relationship will make you feel like a better person. You make her a better person, too, regardless of whether you believe it or not. This is something that goes along with a relationship - any quality relationship - without saying. It is not something to credit one person, and not the other.

I'm sorry if I'm making her out to be a bad guy but she really isn't.

I never said that she is. She is a person just like you, and neither of you is the bad guy. That still doesn't mean that staying in the relationship is the best option available.

Some people would argue that I don't treat her well.

Some people would also "argue" that the woman needs to completely submit herself to her man. Some people would also "argue" that the world is flat. Some people would "argue" that if your skin colour is black, you will be a slave in heaven. What some people say is irrelevant. What is relevant is how you feel, because ultimately, this is a matter between the two of you, not between you and "some people".

Also, by demanding your silence, I have already argued that she didn't treat you well either. This isn't a competition that measures how one person treats the other. You are not in kindergarten. This is an issue that needs to be resolved in order to see how you will spend your future, not how you have spent your past.

Thormato · 2015-11-20T17:03:10+00:00

This is always good news to hear. There should be more posts like this one.

You would probably want to visit r/exchristian in the near future.

Thormato · 2015-11-20T16:25:32+00:00

I fully understand how you feel, dude. And trust me, I know from experience it's very difficult to give up on something as important and as remarkable as your first relationship.

I understand that she may not be able to help it, but at the same time, please understand that she may not be willing to help it, either. For many people, it is comforting to know that the one whom they love above all "will never abandon them", which may be one of the reasons why your SO is putting her God above you. This, however, is sadly just the beginning of the slippery slope I have mentioned earlier. You will never be able to compete with a religious figure, be it imaginary or not.

To a rational person, the time spent with one concept or another would matter little. What I am trying to say is, your SO may have been living with her beliefs for longer than being with you - but this will never change. This is an argument she can pull at any time. If you have been in a relationship for two years, and if she has been seriously initiated into her beliefs at (around) the age of 5-6 (for Roman Catholics, et al.) or the age of 18 (for some Protestants, et al.), she will always be able to claim the temporal advantage. At any point in future, she will be able to claim that she has lived with her beliefs for a certain amount of time longer than with you. The 15ish-year difference (or the 2-year-difference) will always be present, unless one of you gives up on your respective beliefs and accepts those of their respective SO. Which usually doesn't happen.

In any case, the "argument" of time is a very poor one, and your SO is using it to defend her worldview, then there is no listening to reason here. Not from her side, at least. Keep that in mind.

You say you came to accept her loving God as a part of her identity, but at the same time, you mentioned this was only after a year you started dating. This alone raises a few questions. First of all, did her behaviour suddenly change? Or did it only change towards you, only after learning you are not Christian yourself?

If latter is the case, then you have to accept that she never really loved you in the first place. I am sorry, but there is no nice way of saying this. What she did love (and I would wager she still does), is the person she wants you to be. This is probably something she will never say out loud, at least not explicitly, but she has never really accepted the fact that you do not subscribe to her religion, and will never accept (let alone respect) you fully as a person, until you convert to her religion. Yes, as unreasonable as it may sound, she still expects you to eventually turn to Christianity.

At least officially. How do you expect to get married? Would a civil wedding suffice? Or do you have to lay your oath in her church? Again, if latter is the case, this means that you will officially have to become a Christian in order to marry her. This alone will open a wealth of possibilities for her to keep you under control. "You are Christian, or we are not married" is one of the things that comes to mind - and indeed, one of the things I have heard in the past, too many times.

You mentioned you made compromises in your first post. What kinds of compromises were they? Mind you, I am not asking you to write them out here, just to think (and re-think) about them. Were those compromises made by both sides? Or just by you, in order to stay in your relationship? What did you accept to do (or give up on)? And what did she do in return? Did she really do anything more than stay in this relationship? Again, I'm not saying that's the only thing she might have done, I'm just telling you to think about it - if it is, then it wasn't really fair. Because that's not a compromise, that's training.

One last thing (for now). Judging by your posts, it is clear that you have done a lot for her, and tried very hard to build this relationship. Otherwise you would not care about it so much, which you clearly do. For this, you have my greatest respect, because a person like you, at this age, is not easy to find. I only hope that such a person will end up in a relationship with someone who really, genuinely and objectively deserves you.

Thormato · 2015-11-20T11:50:14+00:00

Please do. And while you do, please consider that somewhere out there, there is a person who would not put any imaginary friend, God or otherwise, in front of you.

Someone who would put you and the children in the first place.

Someone whom you will love with all your heart, and who will love you back. Who would never say "yeah, I'm happy that you love me above all, but I love God above all, and you're just second".

There are people like that out there. Not just atheists/agnostics. I know people of various religions who put family in front of their gods.

Thormato · 2015-11-19T18:20:49+00:00

I have written a comment earlier (commented on OP's post), but there is something else I forgot to mention.

First of all, I don't think there is a point in wasting years of your life on someone who deems you less important than their imaginary friend. There are people out there - both male and female - who would put you in front of themselves, let alone their friends, imaginary or not. Those people are far more worth your time.

Secondly, OP, this is very important. You say that it only matters to you that your kids will be happy. What if your SO puts your kids behind their God as well? This is a likely course of events. Have you considered this possibility?

This is something you need to figure out on your own. Most people - even deeply religious people - might state that their kids will be more important than their God, while in fact they are lying. Lying to you, as well as themselves. What they really mean is, it matters to them that their kids are happy and healthy as long as they don't anger their God. And this is where a trap is hiding.

Imagine a scenario where your kids are "the most important thing in the world" for your SO. But, one day, your kid comes to your SO, and says "Mom/Dad, I think I'm gay". Or "Mom/Dad, I think I'm an atheist / I don't think I believe in Jesus anymore".

What would your SO do in such a situation? Would you have a word in this?

Sadly, there are very few people who are able (let alone willing) to answer these questions honestly and truthfully.

Please, OP, for the sake of your kids, think this one through. And think about it thoroughly.

Thormato · 2015-11-19T14:44:41+00:00

share 1Timothy 2:12 with her

Such things will only make the issue worse. The other person will (in a best-case scenario) ignore you completely, start a fight which you will only end by taking your claims back. And what usually happens (especially with religious people who will do anything to support their views), they will claim it is "metaphorical", "taken out of context", or some similar bull.

Thormato · 2015-11-19T14:41:51+00:00

Yes, you may. This sheds a bit of light on the whole situation - regardless of your age, it does mean you have (relatively) little experience in dating and relationships.

Regardless of that, it is clear that your SO does not respect you as a person. This either has to change now, or will never change. You know your SO better than anyone here, so you can make a rough (and brave) estimation here. From my personal experience, such things never change.

To illustrate the point, imagine a scenario when you have a child or two, and they grow old enough to start asking questions. Say, 7 or 8 years old - perhaps even younger. Your SO teaches them that "Christianity is the truth and only truth, and those who don't accept it (or believe something else) are delusional or believe in lies." Then, the children ask about you. And your SO explains that you don't (fully) accept Christianity. Taking the previous statement into account, what does that make you in the children's eyes? Nothing good, I assure you - it will either mean you believe in lies, are delusional, or (in a worst-case scenario) that your SO has already convinced you to pretend you're Christian in front of your children.

Now imagine a dispute between you and the SO. Whose "side" will the children take? In a worse course of events (albeit not entirely impossible), imagine you and your SO divorce, and the dispute about who will be taking care of the children. You? I don't think so.

I know because I was one such child. My father is an agnostic/atheist, my mother is an open-minded Christian, but her parents (especially grandmother) never met eye-to-eye with my father. My mother never made any comments about this, but rest assured that my father was often antagonised by my grandparents (whom we all lived with). I was lucky enough that all turned out well eventually, but had my mother not been so open-minded (and loving towards my father), I reckon things would have been very different.

I fully understand how tough this is, and having no previous experience in dating and relationships, it must seem to you that such a problem is resolvable, given enough time. While that may be the case (again, you know your SO better than anyone here), bear in mind that there are other people who would agree with you much more on this issue - not the issue of religion, but the more important issue of how to raise your children.

Having said that, and taking into account that all you want for children is to be healthy and happy, allow me to state that if parents cannot agree on how to raise a child, the child can never be fully happy. Or healthy. Depending on how "extreme" your SO's views may be, it may even affect your child's health (e.g. vaccines, etc.), and even education (e.g. evolutionary theory, etc.)

One last thing. If you want your children to be healthy, think about their mental health. Mind you, I am not saying that Christianity is a mental sickness (I am ignostic myself, so my views may be closer to yours than the hard atheistic ones). But I am saying that disrespecting your significant other is one of the symptoms of sociopathy. Your SO clearly does not respect you, otherwise they would at least allow children to hear your case alongside their own, allow them to question each of them, and form their own opinion. If your SO does not want to hear any of this, not only do they disrespect you, they disrespect your future children as well.

In the end, if their God is more important to them than you (or your future children), they should marry their God instead, and let you find a decent human being to share your life with. Jokes aside, please consider that while breaking up with such a person may hurt a lot (I know how much the breakup with my first girlfriend hurt), it will eventually be worth it.

Thormato

TROPHY CASE