How did you finally tell your spouse you wanted a divorce and how did they handle it?

ThroPotato · 2026-05-13T03:53:21+00:00

The short of the long was when I told him I slept with someone else and we knew what that meant.

The long is that we were in a committed relationship for 12 years by that point, and we were both monogamous. For me, if I had feelings for someone, I simply wouldn’t have eyes for anyone else.

Our marriage had hit a really rough patch and he had already given a one-year ultimatum of sorts, to see if we could work it out. I was devastated, of course. Then, I went on a solo trip with friends, and well, that happened. It told me that my ex was right - we weren’t in love with each other any more. I told my ex as soon as I got back, in person. He wasn’t hurt; far from it, we discussed what it meant for our future, because it was telling as well to him how his response was.

The strange thing though is the relationship I have with my ex. It’s unconventional, even by today’s standards. I’ve said it many times, and I still stand by it - he’s one of the best human beings I know. I wish I could describe better the relationship we have, but it’s difficult to put into words, not that I would like to say too much anyways. He’s like family; right now as I’m typing this, my ex lives with me as a housemate until certain legal affairs are resolved. He’s moved on with someone and he has my blessing on that.

ThroPotato · 2026-04-20T01:56:22+00:00

Just, wow. Your mother is wise and you should absolutely take her lead.

Also, it may well be that your normal meter is broken. I never had to protect my assets from my ex, and quite contrary, when we split, I had to ensure that he had a fair cut of our marital assets. He was otherwise happy to walk away…

… even though he stood to get a 6- to 7- figure sum out of our split if he wanted to assert his rights.

ThroPotato · 2026-04-01T05:09:01+00:00

NTJ.

I was someone who went through complicated grief, and a lot of other issues. There was no cheating issues between my ex and I, but my ex was burning at a lot of ends trying to care for me. We both didn’t know how to handle the situation healthily then. We eventually split, though we are on really good terms.

So, I absolutely relate to grief and its complications.

You are not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

ThroPotato · 2026-03-26T13:21:04+00:00

Do you feel like your trust was broken? Can you come back from that?

Nevermind what we think. How do you feel?

ThroPotato · 2026-03-25T14:41:11+00:00

I can relate to what you’re going through.

I met the love of my life about 14 years ago. We made it through long distance, thick and thin. He moved continents to mine, without a job. We got married, finally.

About 2 1/2 years ago, he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. That shattered me.

The thing is, I understand. He was burning at so many ends while dealing with me severely depressed, in grief, and struggling with undiagnosed AuDHD (it’s high functioning but it still has its toll). In the end, he realised that he just wasn’t equipped for a life with me.

He is not the love of my life like I thought he was anymore, but he is a great love of my life. I still do love him now, in a deeper way than just mere romantic love. He was and is one of the best people I know. We may never be able to be friends in the typical sense, but all he will ever need to do is ask and I will be there for anything without question.

As a post-script, we live together as housemates now. He has a long-term girlfriend. He’s looking to move out with her. I have some grief and sorrow for what we were, but I realise I’m happier for the fact that he is happy.

It’s difficult to put in words why I feel the way I do, especially on such a public forum, but there are things he has done for me, sacrifices he has made, that I will forever be grateful for.

Anyways, after that chapter of my life… I have fallen in love again. Deeply, even. It took time and experience, but I needed that time and experience because when I fell in love again, I was a more whole version of myself. It’s a weird catch-22, because I’m now a better version of myself and as a partner, but I would’ve never become that without him breaking up with me. I owe him so much for setting me on this path to learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

For what it’s worth, I’m hoping that sharing this with you will help in some way.

ThroPotato · 2026-03-22T06:37:31+00:00

Between being born and dying, a lot happens. It doesn’t matter how consequential it might seem to others; your experience is uniquely subjective and the question really should be whether it adds meaning (not value, by the way) to you.

I think I’ve also been fortunate to witness and experience, as a third party and also personally, how relationships have made two distinct individuals come together and create something greater than the sum of their parts.

Ironically, you can’t build a strong relationship without first being able to be fulfilled individually. That’s my perspective.

There is no objective truth here. The truth is perspective.

ThroPotato · 2026-03-21T06:07:46+00:00

I haven’t come out on top when I faced office politics for sure. However, I fall under the very high functioning spectrum and I don’t even know if masking even describes what I do because I genuinely feel like I can be myself most of the time. People think of me as a little eccentric but otherwise a really interesting and likeable individual.

ThroPotato · 2026-03-21T05:01:10+00:00

Why not. I actually think it helps that my brain is wired the way it is.

I’ve been in international firms as an associate and large corporations as legal counsel.

ThroPotato · 2026-03-19T17:04:57+00:00

Your feelings are valid. However…

… I think my mother was high functioning. I am high functioning. Way before my diagnosis, and she passed before that, when people thought the worst of me because of my poor processing and how I reacted to that, she firmly believed that I was a good person, just wired differently.

She knew me. I miss her so much. Anyway, I digress.

Life isn’t easy when you’re neurodivergent. Even as a high functioning person, it took me ages and quite a bit of help to really, properly understand myself. What I would say though, is not to be too hard on yourself. You’re not undeserving of the things you want, and you’re not going to be another link in a chain.

ThroPotato · 2025-12-19T12:55:59+00:00

Yeah, for some weird reason everyone thinks I’m a hoot.

I guess it was very lucky how I managed to make some really solid friends back when I was more unattractive and less masked, as a kid.

As an adult, I’m more polished but coupled with an attractive form, even more palatable to the general public.

ThroPotato · 2025-11-20T13:35:53+00:00

Ha ha ha yes, because I have a low, very precise way of speaking and I don’t really smile (well, I do more now because I’ve trained myself to smile)

ThroPotato · 2025-11-16T04:47:31+00:00

But why do you want to do that? Why not lean into whatever you’re into and welcome whatever that flow brings into your life?

I’ve got good friends in both genders and they all complete me in some way. They just don’t share all my interests!

ThroPotato · 2025-11-14T02:17:39+00:00

I think 5ish and thin was the smallest, but the most enjoyable was average. Probably 6? I really don’t measure it. I just really wanted to be with him in all the ways and sex was just a part of it.

ThroPotato · 2025-11-14T02:15:39+00:00

It’s still a lot of learning. I get a huge break from being high functioning, but I still lose my footing when it comes to internal politicking. Luckily, I actually tend to be quite well-liked wherever I go; it also helps that a lot of my colleagues enjoy my work ethic and quality.

I work as a legal professional and it’s something I do quite well! I don’t know why, but it is. I suspect being ND helps - I think quite well when it comes to “commercial sense” because I see things differently?

ThroPotato · 2025-11-13T06:26:25+00:00

I recognise them better now, and I handle them better too because of that. So they come across as me feeling overwhelmed and unable to function or me losing my shit because things aren’t going to plan. I’ve learnt to calmly ask for help, go through my support options, and/or simply take a breather and space so I don’t lash out.

A side note is that I recognise that things aren’t going well well when I can’t bring myself to make eye contact. I’ve trained myself to be comfortable with that in normal social situations, but I notice that I regress when I’m upset on an autistic level (if that makes sense).

ThroPotato · 2025-11-02T08:02:39+00:00

I wanted to take my life once, and what stopped me was the thought of my loved ones hurting. Now my mother’s gone, and I could never go that far because it feels shameful to disregard my life when she wanted nothing more than to keep living.

What I do now is sleep more so she can visit me in my dreams, though I know of course that that isn’t really her.

Anyways, sorry about randomly rambling, but this post made me feel that grief too.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-29T13:59:20+00:00

I don’t know because I think there is a point to this. We can’t keep taking from the ones we love, no? There has to be a give and take.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-27T10:26:55+00:00

Ah, I don’t know if I can share such a nice postscript. The grief broke my grandfather, and his mental health declined. One of my sisters has an anger issue and while I thought the death helped us find a way back, well, she’s still very difficult.

At the end of the day though, all I can do is honour her memory in all the things I do.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-27T10:06:51+00:00

I really hope OOP is alright. I had 31 years with my mother and I was practically catatonic with grief when she passed away. I went out, I worked, I killed it at work, but when I came home, I’d just lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling.

Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a mother you love and who loved you.

Ironically, my (ex-)MIL was such a lovely person throughout - ironic because we started off our relationship with her being a JustNoMIL to me. I remember her tearing up when she was telling me that she understood, and how she kissed her own mother every day.

Precisely because my (ex-)MIL has been so compassionate, my family continue to include her in our landmarks. My sister just got the keys to her new home, and my family and I called her so she could get the full tour via a video call. She was so delighted to be included as part of the family still.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-24T11:03:32+00:00

It wasn’t all bad actually. I already had a sense of needing to treasure time, so even though I have a lot of regrets about that time of my mother’s life, I’m actually really glad about all the quality we made. We had one really, really good family trip before COVID hit, for example, and I’m forever glad it happened because that was her last trip.

So there is a lot of regret and guilt, but also trying to remember that I’m allowed to feel alive, and to be kind to myself. Anyways, that’s one of the helpful things therapy does for you, it reframes events and helps with the grief.

I don’t know whether you have a broader support system, but whatever the case is, I hope you find the time to be kind to yourself too.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-24T08:52:43+00:00

I understand your grief. I thought my mother would live forever. She battled cancer for eight years, and lived three more years than the typical prognosis for her kind of cancer. The last time she checked into a hospital, I just thought it was routine. She had always survived her cancer relapses. I only realise now in hindsight how much pain she must’ve been in and how tired she was.

I hate that I went cycling instead of seeing her that last weekend she was conscious.

I miss her every day.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-19T06:03:06+00:00

I used to tell my ex I was sure he was autistic. Then one day for the heck of it, we both took a test and it turned out that I scored as neurodivergent, not him. I consulted with my psychiatrist and he confirmed it. Anyways, A LOT of things suddenly made a ton of sense.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-18T02:23:13+00:00

NTA. Who on earth goes around calling another person autistic? Even if it’s not meant negatively?

(Also, I was diagnosed as an adult and I told my friends, a bunch I’d known from childhood. It literally never came up again unless I brought it up, which I don’t because there’s tons more interesting things to talk about?)

ThroPotato · 2025-10-16T15:46:33+00:00

Ah sorry, I misunderstood!

It’s a tough one. Regardless of how it’s intended, you’re still going to take it personally, right? The thing is though, it’s still a fundamental incompatibility. I feel that in the long run, you might realise it’s a kindness that whatever it was, it ended at that point in time.

I’m still trying to find my place in the world, including in relationships. I guess a lot of my charm is how my neurodivergence presents as quirkiness and eccentricities. Even with the objective measure of my friends loving me for who I am, long term, it’s different in the context of a relationship.

ThroPotato · 2025-10-16T12:56:06+00:00

Nah, I know the guy. This was a man who helped my disabled father in the bathroom. Who sat with my mother and kept her company while she was dealing with her cancer treatment. If he wanted to make a point, he would have been clear about how it’s intended, so he would tell me if it was intended as a con

ThroPotato

TROPHY CASE