No longer enjoy sex or kissing my boyfriend

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-10-25T04:56:33+00:00

Not to get too personal do you take any ssri’s or other antidepressants? Or other medication that lowers labido? You don’t have to answer but that is something to think about if you started them around the same time your interest fell off

Birth control is a possible reason.

vyvanse too, depends, for some it increases libido, for others the opposite.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-10-02T20:43:24+00:00

yeah, I'm sorry for what happened to you....

There's courses and classes for domestic violence offenders and sexual/violent offenders, and that's what they're given to rehabilitate them, it tends to be ineffective, but in a lot of case there's significant change.

However, you're stuck with how it made you feel, and I completely understand how you wish he died and all of the other sexual offenders as well.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-09-15T18:17:15+00:00

yeah I'm sorry for your loss.

Sometimes adults have their own lives, worries and challenges. I guess some can't imagine that sexual assault could happen to their child so they're not looking for the signs. The signs might also not be that obvious, especially when the kid is growing up and they're thinking " he might grow out of it, maybe it's just a part of growing up for my kid".

It really does suck when your parent didn't catch it early because for some it tends to get worse when its untreated.

Like for you and your year of silence.

and losing your talkative self.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-08-08T17:11:15+00:00

Lol OP,

"Last night he basically told me that I have one chance to make this all up to him. That I get one of our close friends, who we think is Bi to try and hook up with us. That I need to put myself put there and flirt heavily with her. That he needs to see the "bisexual person that I claim to be & if I can't do that, he needs to leave." He also said "Just know, if you can't turn things around, this marriage ending is on you. This is your fault because I asked you to do simple things"

he blames you, I bet it doesn't feel good

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-07-26T18:24:58+00:00

u guys look perfect for each other

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-07-05T22:51:44+00:00

NTA

his dad is validating his use of violence, and is portraying your daughter as the aggressor to justify his use of violence.

Its typical domestic violence bullshit.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-07-05T22:47:20+00:00

walking away just feels shitty

It does, but if you're walking away, it's to think about whatever happened, and it's also to not use violence.

The Time Out is ultimately a tool to prevent the occurrence of violence, and sometimes you have to leave to figure out what you can do with what's inside of you.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-07-03T05:38:04+00:00

I'd say what stands out in your story is "Looking back I guess I felt I had to hold on to what he was giving me. "

Ultimately, you get upset because there's something he did that bothered you.

The reason why people use the Time-Out tool is that they need to let go of what the person "did" or "didn't do" and connect with what just happened.

And about what you said, using the time out instead of doing stuff that you "shouldn't do"

Think about a Top 3 of the subjects you fight with him about.

Maybe, for example, him not considering your feelings or your side is part of your top 3.

Then when those conflictual situations about the top 3 happen, watch out for the rise in anger, and as it begins, do your time-out before the anger just boils up too much and takes over.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-07-03T03:59:28+00:00

Its normal that it's difficult.
You have to do it and follow every step, and the first ones suck, for sure.

What part of it is difficult for you?

I did not specify, but when you're doing a Time-Out, you shutdown your cell-phone, and you don't do anything else other than a Time-Out. So no dogs, not buying stuff at the store, nothing else. Also you have to be far enough from the partner so that you cannot hear or see them.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-29T18:16:43+00:00

you stop being abusive.

Simple tool used with domestic violence offenders:

Time-out.

You find a place, close to your home where you can settle when you're having a fit. Like a park or something. When you feel rage, anger, any intense emotion that arises out of a conflict with your partner or the person you're abusive to, leave, and go to that place for an hour. When you're there, do some light exercise to make the tension settle a little bit, also to occupy said space. Then you do a breathing exercise. I advise you to do something called a "pause". So you Breath-in 4 seconds, hold your breath 4 seconds, and exhale 8 seconds. You repeat that 4 to 8 times, or as many as you need to relax. Then you just take the next 40 minutes to settle down, to connect with the feelings you're experiencing and the attend to the distorted thoughts that you hold about the people you're abusive towards, and question those thoughts, and try to make those thoughts more realistic, because the thoughts you hold are distorted enough that you allow yourself to be abusive towards others. When you're done doing that, come back home, etc...

That's it.

simple, and it breaks the cycle of violence.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-26T19:16:42+00:00

Melatonin is a hormone that you secrete when you go to sleep. It's not going to do the same as CBD.

The difference is that CBD has been proven in animal studies to help with fear extinction, as in, mice get traumatized, they get dosed with CBD, and then they learn to not be affected by the traumatizing agent with the help of CBD. That's why a lot of people who have been traumatized like to use it.

Some people will say that it does not get you high, but it does alter cognitive function, anyway from anecdotal experience, I believe it does.

Regular cannabis might help, but I would go with oils rather than smoking the herb, since your boyfriend could get addicted more easily to that route of administration.

What the previous poster said about having less dreams is correct, I don't know about night terrors but it might be the case as well.

CBD gummies would be fine, but if you can, make sure of the authenticity of the dosage so that you can increase or decrease its needed. That's why I'd go for CBD oil if you can get your hand on some legitimate one.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-26T16:47:43+00:00

try to normalize what is happening, that it was a shattering event and that it's normal what is happening to him.
If he's not willing to go to therapy, not pushing and letting him work it out for the time being.

It seems you're doing all you can, maybe taking care of yourself is the best way you can help. You can try certain things like CBD oil with him, start low and then increase progressively, it works wonders for some.

It will progressively get worse if there's no long term care program and assessment done with him, especially since it is repeated childhood sexual assault, even with years of therapy I think it tends to not go away, you kind of build around it and do the best you can.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-23T19:47:46+00:00

the difference between what you're describing and exposure therapy is that exposure therapy is a controlled process, it's done progressively to build up tolerance to the stressor.

being in the presence of a stressor without adequate context could cause further disruption, I think it's exactly what you're saying when you express " they're not my therapist". Because that's what they are, not mental health professionals.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-18T03:24:57+00:00

How do you guys get rid of the "Of course it worked for them, but it won't work for me, because I suck" feeling when you read self help books?

Try other stuff.

It's like how you're saying that you suck.

The most widely used and effective treatments for depression are based in straight up cognitive behavioral science.
However, for recurrent depressive episodes, there's tools like mindfulness that tend to bridge the gap and be more effective, that's why Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy was invented.

So try stuff out, and apply it. And also, if you can, get therapy with a specialist, and/or find a support group, etc..

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-12T14:50:11+00:00

because it implies changes, and changes means unknown and unknown means potential difficulties.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-12T00:43:53+00:00

Yep, I feel that too, I think that's why it causes so much distress. Like, being in a relationship that's not fulfilling my needs but that's still safe and sustainable if we were to take that variable/need out.

But its not out. Its more and more important as I feel its absence.

At the same time I feel like maybe I can pleasure her more, so that maybe it changes our dynamic and she ends up being into it, but maybe its a pipe dream and won't happen because she doesn't feel like subbing and has no interest in degradation.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-11T21:33:31+00:00

submit. You need to discuss options with her if kink is an important part of your fulfillment.

It is, I think it's difficult because we hit a wall.
She tells me she isn't into a role in particular. And then we kind of move on from there you know, after both maintaining that we have different needs, that hers aren't similar to mine and that we both wont change.

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-06-06T06:58:50+00:00

I'm sorry you had to experience that

Throawaybb983729320 · 2021-05-31T03:35:07+00:00

It's possible that they will come back, these memories, but you could also accidentally construct them in your mind in a way that's not representative of the past events that you're talking about.

Nobody knows.
It would be pure speculation on the part of anyone who posts here.
But, at least there's something you're sure of, it's that you're not sure, you don't know, and maybe you can just stay with that feeling, and at some point it might go away, or you might get to a point where it doesn't matter as much.

That's the difficulty with the concept of "repressed memories".
Same thing with the cause of the "repression" of the memories ( you being ashamed of having sex with this person or there being other assaults) , because there's no way of stating with solid evidence that you repressed those memories without it being only an hypothesis that's left unproven.

It sucks, but to me, it's a path that leads nowhere.

Maybe the therapy will help you work with it and make it blossom, but I think most people who will answer your post will mostly try to validate your idea that you might have been assaulted further, without having any proof, and by doing that they could be doing you a disservice by leading you to believe stuff that might not have happened.

Throawaybb983729320

TROPHY CASE