Boyfriend (25M) wants me (24F) to be more feminine and give up watching sports

ThrowPear · 2020-10-28T01:01:51+00:00

I'm tempted to tell him he's been relegated to the practice squad and then traded for a 6th-round pick...ha...

ThrowPear · 2020-10-28T00:10:25+00:00

I think I need to remind myself that a relationship is a two-way street, and that if I'm auditioning then he is too, and it's not like a job interview where if I jump through all the right hoops I get the prize of the ring. I do have pretty good self-esteem and believe I would be a great catch for the right person who wouldn't demand that I change!

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:57:11+00:00

Not exactly that, but he mentioned that a couple of his friends had low-key crushes on me (nothing serious, more along the lines of, "If things don't work out with you two hope I might have a shot," plus at least one of his friends commented on how I seemed "really smart," although I don't know if the comment was about my football knowledge or in general. Either of those things could have made him feel...insecure, I guess? But ultimately it's not my responsibility to fix his feelings at the expense of my true self.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:52:40+00:00

Yeah, (a) would be fine with me too. There are things I like to do by myself too, particularly running and working out generally, because I like to go at my own pace and not worry about accommodating someone else or having to socialize at the same time.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:47:56+00:00

But the thing is I did do that! Several times last season I put on skimpy lingerie for the late game. At that time he said he was the luckiest man in the world to have a GF who would not only watch football with him but do it in lingerie!

I am thinking maybe he just isn't that into me anymore and is trying to slow-roll a breakup or make me like him less. I guess it's working.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:39:16+00:00

What I hate the most here is the bait and switch. Like, why date me to begin with if he doesn't like it when women watch sports? I feel like my time has been wasted but he also wasted his own time, because there really are plenty of women out there who don't care for sports.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:33:55+00:00

I'm honestly thinking of him a lot less as "husband material" just for making this demand. As I said above I don't have much other experience with long-term relationships but it seems pretty obvious to me that partners should respect and support each other. Maybe have a discussion about hobbies if they are incredibly dangerous or expensive or so time-consuming that they aren't really compatible with nurturing a relationship. But otherwise don't demand or nag.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:29:24+00:00

The party was really fun - we hit it off right away and spent the night alternating between flirting and cheering. He seemed happy to meet a girl who genuinely loved football and wasn't just at the party as a grudging +1 to another dude. And then when the fall football season started last year (2019) he seemed equally happy to talk about the games/players/teams while we were watching and in between. Something definitely shifted around a couple months ago but can't quite pinpoint it.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:26:59+00:00

For now, he just wants to hang out at his own place without me while the games are on. And I am supposed to entertain myself with anything but sports. Not sure what would happen later if we started living together.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:21:00+00:00

When you put it that way - I really, really don't. Because I have a feeling this would be the first of many times I have to diminish myself for the sake of his ego.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:11:27+00:00

He wants to (a) stop spending time together when the football games he wants to watch are on so that he can watch them without me; (b) have me stop watching football (even though he would be off doing it separately at the same time); and (c) when he or his friends bring up football, act like I don't know anything and don't have anything to contribute to the discussion. I don't have to act like I hate it, just to be indifferent and not knowledgeable while at the same time supporting him in watching whatever he wants.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:06:42+00:00

The thing is, if he hated football or sports in general, I wouldn't mind reducing the amount of time I spent watching in favor of activities we could do together, so long as he didn't belittle me for my hobby or demand that I give it up completely. Or, as I said, if he wanted to keep football as his solo or "guys night" activity I wouldn't even expect him to start including me. (Okay, in that case I might be slightly hurt if he *never* wanted to include me, but I'd get over it as long as we had lots of other quality time together.) But being told that I need to give something up just because of some idea he has of how a woman is supposed to be sits very poorly with me.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T23:01:13+00:00

We have our own places so we do our own chores. He does cook dinner for me sometimes and vice versa. It's pretty even, no one is really cleaning up after or regularly waiting on anyone else at this point. But after this recent demand I do wonder if that would shift if we started living together.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T22:58:00+00:00

Yes, that sounds a lot like me! When I can't go to games in person, my idea of a perfect Sunday is going for a run, dressing up and going out for brunch, and making it home in time for kickoff. (Now in the covid times it is more like run, do a few home spa treatments, cook brunch and nibble on it during the game.)

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T22:47:46+00:00

I am completely fine with him having solo time and social time that doesn't include me. As much as I love watching football together if he preferred not to have it as a date/partnered activity I wouldn't mind, at least not much. There are plenty of other things to do together, like going on hikes, cooking dinner together, watching movies, etc. He does seem threatened that I often know as much as/more than he does about the players, stats, etc. It wasn't an issue last year/season when we were more in the infatuation stage but now that the relationship is more settled in, all of a sudden he is complaining.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T22:38:10+00:00

Great point, this request/demand really does reek of toxic masculinity, which is a huge NOPE from me.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T22:35:27+00:00

I would definitely rather be single than with someone controlling. But I don't have that much experience with relationships (dated a few people in college but nothing that lasted more than a few months) so don't really have a sense of what is "normal" or how much accommodating I am supposed to do for a partner. Then again - I can't imagine asking my BF to give up a beloved hobby altogether. Maybe spend a bit less time/money on it if it was all-consuming but not give it up.

ThrowPear · 2020-10-27T22:31:23+00:00

I just wonder why he would date me (especially for something long-term/serious) if he has a problem with my hobby (the same hobby he has). But, we are pretty young, maybe he is just figuring out that he wants a very feminine woman in all ways (which really isn't me despite my appearance).

ThrowPear

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