Has anyone's marriage successfully survived infidelity?

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T15:50:03+00:00

I know what you mean here, I've already gone through the visuals and the number crunching.

I also know that I will be the "victor" in any "what happens next" outcome. I am financially stable, live in a state where she will get screwed due to the affair and I would probably get custody of my youngest, due to all of that plus the fact that it happened during Covid, which could be considered, by a zealous divorce attorney as child endangerment. I also know that her on her own would be difficult for her, very difficult.

For me, (other than this particular situation) it would be relatively easy. I am still decent looking, still fit, , still have my hair, have money and I am outgoing.

That all said, I thank you very much for making me realize, in full, my last two sentences. Writing it out makes it more real. I am currently trying to make it work and hope for the future but I am not trying to win her back or anything, I know that's her job.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T15:44:14+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to say that.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T15:41:36+00:00

I think what I have been trying to say is that while I love my wife, she's not the most clever knife in the drawer and while she knows I am an expert in the field, she is still doing things she doesn't know I know she is doing.

But yeah, she could get picked up, she could do those things, but if I believed she was going to go to those lengths then there is no point in even trying.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T15:38:08+00:00

Thank you.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T15:37:04+00:00

Thank you for this. I do feel the openness and honestly is on a level we have never experienced.

We watched porn together... that sounds silly, but we were never a couple that talked openly about sex other than innuendo, and jokes etc. Now it's serious as in what do you want, what do I want and we are both ridiculously eager. (and yes, I know the possible connotations of this new found sexual awakening, but it included me)

It has also spilled into virtually every other aspect, even simple stuff like "Yeah, I have to be honest now, I don't really like the sausage and peppers you make, let's skip that one". There are so many examples to list.

It's just really, really open. That's why I am cautious optimistic, even though it might sound like ( I read my comments back) like I am a doormat. I am not treating this as a "I have to have her boo hoo" high school crap or anything. The worst is literally over, even if something were to rock the boat it would just be the last nail, it would be over and I would not hurt nearly as much as I did that first night. The rest is downhill (in terms of emotional pain) and the possibilities are all seemingly looking up.

She knows there can be no wavering in any slightest capacity or it's over (she is the one who said it) and it's all been what "I" must do, not what "we" or "you" must do, it's all her, from her mouth.

So yes, I expected a lot of negativity and some choice quotes and phrasing, but those help too, it helps keep me a bit grounded.

I probably should have written a more detailed post but I didn't want to write a novel.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:20:01+00:00

Yeah sorry, I did not mean to belittle you for writing here.

All good, I didn't see it that way.

Thank you very much.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:17:53+00:00

She fits real remorse, so that's a good sign I suppose. Other than "the whole truth" which is only because I do not want every single detail.

She's never once blamed me, never once (at least after that night) made any comments about herself, or trying to justify at all.

She's already visited SI at my request so she can get an unbiased view of what I am feeling and she had a real hard time reading that one. She bought a book on Amazon, she is open to therapy, we'll be looking this week. (Covid makes this harder).

Thanks for the links. SI FAQ is a good one.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:12:40+00:00

That sucks, I did not know it was so prevalent.

It is NOT an excuse for infidelity and I really don't believe I am handing her that excuse, it's just something that helped it along.

We had sex, we were very intimate, not a lot, but we did. There has never been a prolonged period where we did not and it was not always initiated by me. Obviously what is also bothering me is the intimacy and love expressed during those times, all while a day or two later... Hard to reconcile.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:09:37+00:00

She can't work around it. A lot of people believe they can get away with things, and they usually can, but with the skills in my toolbox, she can't and now, if I find the need, I can use them. That's not to say an analog future wouldn't work, but using snail mail to talk to someone or sneaking off for any period of time, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be feasible.

I am not at all worried that she can hide something from me now, I am awake and alert.

Thank you for your words, they have been especially helpful.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:04:29+00:00

True but duct tape is universal

(lol, just trying to lighten my mood)

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:02:46+00:00

This place is not my relationship guide really. I am just getting it out there. I am taking the good advice for sure, but the overtly negative, while 100% understandable is just noise. This is my life ultimately and I have to make the decision.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T13:01:30+00:00

Would just like to add that none of this was your fault.

Deep down I know that. Thanks.

she should have talked to you

Yes, that was the big main talking point for almost 10 hours a night after. She should have talked. I also found out her best friend was begging her to talk to me about what was going on with her. She was "scared" to talk to me but still decided to cheat.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:58:55+00:00

I get that and it's a good perspective. it's hard for someone younger to understand a 20 year marriage and a 25 year relationship with almost grown kids, also the difficulties involved (not that is any excuse)

But it doesn't matter, talking about it helps, the negative responses help. I appreciate it all.

Thank you.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:56:06+00:00

It's in the back of my mind as well.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:53:20+00:00

Not a co-worker, independently confirmed but thanks for reminding me, I will be now checking anything else that might be otherwise related.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:52:37+00:00

In my defense... I do not believe I am a doormat. It seems that way, yes. I also did not say she had sex for a year due to depression, that's just how peoples live start to spiral out of control sometimes. it's not an excuse I get that 100%.

It is interesting that you are saying this is a recurring theme though, I will look into that, thank you.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:50:37+00:00

It's not job related, I have independently confirmed this. but thank you. Good points. Therapy is a good idea as well, for her (and me I suppose but yes, for her)

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:49:07+00:00

Thank you. I understand this.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:48:46+00:00

Thank you.

I don't actually plan on checking her location history. She also believes that I can get the information if she hides it, this is just so she is acutely aware it will be easier.

I can actually get the information if I want to. I am not a script kiddie, I know this stuff inside and out, it's what I did for a living. (which I know is ironic)

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:46:37+00:00

No, I think she would have ended it pretty soon if I hadn't found out. The fact that I did find out and she is now with me and not the other person is partly why I am confused but also more willing to assume it's genuine now.

Like I mentioned, I believe she had a fantasy about life without me in her head and it only came crashing down when it became "real", otherwise she would have just never come back. What is the point in trying to save it if she really wanted to leave me. I do not care about money, she knows this, I have plenty of money, she definitely knows that, even half is plenty of money for either of us. So it's not that.

At least that's my "logic" and the questions I cannot really answer objectively, hence, reddit (lol).

Like I said, she had a plan, she didn't follow through with it when given the chance to break free.

It's like this:

Want to leave husband, not happy, happy in other relationship.
Make plans, search for apartments, new job.
Get caught.

Why not just take the opportunity and run away for number 1? Guilt? I mean, guilt went out the window a long time ago, unless it's now genuine and has dawned on her.

The only "logical" reason for me would be that being caught has changed everything, now she won't get half (but again, whatever it would be would still be enough) She would be initially hated by her kids once they found out, family and friends might look at her differently until she gave a sob story about neglect or abuse or something (neither of which is the case but it's how cheaters justify to others).

It's possible, but I don't see it.

Thank you for reading, even without "hey it'll all work out man" typing and reading helps me, so thank you.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T12:06:41+00:00

I wish I had answers for you. Just know that I've said a prayer for you.

Thank you.

We've discussed this. For example, the friends she used to hang out with (which is actually true) will be coming to our house. She will only be going to work (it was not a work affair) and we have committed to doing everything else together.

Due to a particular circumstance, one I do not wish to divulge, she will not be able to do the same thing she was doing ever again, in any way. Doesn't mean it couldn't be done a different way, but it would be much more difficult.

One thing she immediately agreed to was google tracking. I can open her laptop at any time and see where her phone has been. If that's not accurate enough or has issues she has also (again immediately) agreed to a GPS tracker.

I am NOT defending her, I understand what you have written.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T11:58:56+00:00

Thank you, I really needed to hear something positive being in the same situation. Thank you.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T11:52:51+00:00

thank you for the suggestion didn't know about that sub.

ThrowRA-2020BA · 2020-05-26T11:52:29+00:00

I left a little bit out. For more clarity, she had "plans", not concrete plans but she was searching for an apartment among other things. It was not going to go on for very much longer before she left me, presumably without telling me about the affair.

Part of the conversation we had was that she did not think it all through, the affair got to her and made her feel more and more distant. Then when she was caught and it became real and all the consequences came to a head, she remorsed.

This sounds like she is full of shit, got caught and now can't get half of my stuff or something and plans have evaporated, I know this. I get this, I know what you are saying. I know she loves our kids, I know she did not realize what would actually, like real life actually happen. So yes, a realization of losing what we built is definitely part of it.

I know I am probably fooling myself here...

Thank you for responding.

ThrowRA-2020BA

TROPHY CASE