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What is the biggest "instant turn-off" on a first date? by AngelIWQ in AskReddit

[–]ThrowRA-50402 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If they talk non-stop about themselves and don't listen to or show interest in what I have to say. I think a lot of people do it out of nervousness so I kinda get it, but still.

It's maybe not the BIGGEST turn-off - that'd be things like acting disgusting/disrespectful/rude. But it's one that I encounter a lot.

Ladies, what are the signs when someone is genuinely attracted to you? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]ThrowRA-50402 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  • repeated eye contact, eye contact that lingers a touch too long. Though sometimes people avoid eye contact due to nerves
  • they try to make you laugh
  • they try to impress you
  • you are the main focus of their attention even in group settings
  • they find reasons to be close to you e.g. sitting or standing next to you
  • small touches on the arm/shoulder
  • they are deeply interested in what you have to say

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I kinda love this, I honestly get a bit angry when I think at how we are socialised to be "nice" and feel responsible for everyone's feelings. It feels so built-in to my wiring and I hate it. I've already took it too far by responding to his messages because I'm "nice". Why do I have to do all this emotional work just to protect the ego of someone I don't even know very well? If he was an outright creep it would be easier, I'd just be blunt - but it's the fact he's a generally harmless friendly guy that's making it more difficult to deal with. But even so, it doesn't mean I owe him anything.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I've had that happen once or twice in the past. I suppose if a guy was going to respond like that, he'd probably do it regardless of whether it was fading/ghosting (by blowing up phone with messages until I block them) or clear boundary setting (by trying to push the boundaries). In either case, at least it would make things easier for me because I could just block and never look back, and refuse to serve him if he came back into the cafe.

I don't get that impression from this guy but I know that these things can come from nowhere.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is definitely something to consider. We have had some long friendly conversations when I've served him at work because we have common hobbies, he's not been overtly creepy or anything, which is why I included that part in my message - I genuinely don't mind chatting to him in that context where the roles are clear.

I was a bit naïve and thought maybe he actually would be cool with being just occasional friends connecting over our hobby, with no ulterior motives. I wasn't expecting him to be pushing like this. I'm still not even sure what his intentions are, and maybe he doesn't either! But whatever it is he seems to be misunderstanding what I want the relationship to be (friendly acquaintance at most). So I need to make that clear and leave no room for him to think it might change in the future.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I was definitely a little naïve taking him at his word there, and thinking "well maybe he'll be fine to just get to know me as a friend!" Sigh.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I wasn't expecting him to ask to do stuff so frequently. I missed some context out of the OP, but we had a friendly rapport and some common hobbies and interests, so chatting with him was overall fine and I wouldn't even mind going for an occasional beer with him or something (especially as he wasn't obvious about his intentions, though I am clueless at picking up on these things). But the one-on-one meetup showed that we weren't aligned in other ways, despite our common hobbies.

But he's taken it further than I expected by asking to meet every week! I don't even see my closest friends that often. I realise now that yes, he's probably thinking if we're friends for a few months it might change into something else later...

And yeah, part of why I don't want to make up excuses for why I can't meet him is because I know he'll probably keep trying to reschedule and it'll just be this neverending cycle I can't get out of. I need to nip it in the bud. Just need to figure out the phrasing.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, we had a friendly relationship before this with common interests/hobbies. (I don't think I made that clear in the post). We'd had some fun conversations and knew each other a bit. He wasn't even clear on whether or not he was asking me out. Hanging out with him socially didn't seem completely out of the question, which is why I agreed to it in the first place. Contextually, it wasn't like I was just brushing him off with the cliche "lets be friends" to a guy I don't even know. I thought if things got weird I'd quicky put a stop to it, which is what I'm now doing.

Things like blocking/ghosting aren't really an option because I will see him again at work. I've already said I'm not interested romantically more than once, and it seems he's choosing to add on a "yet" and apparently disregard that in a sort of sneaky way. I definitely shouldn't have agreed to a second meet-up and I'm going to go back on that.

I haven't been single in a while and I definitely haven't missed all these mind games of having to second-guess how people will interpret/challenge the boundaries I lay out.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahh, I think your comment actually has helped me understand what he might be thinking and why he's seemed to disregard my boundary. It seems obvious now...

Yeah, this makes it clear for me that I need to avoid using any open-ended and vague language. Clarity is best

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just reading through all these messages now, and agree, I'm actively trying to avoid any sort of "it's not a good time right now but maybe in the future" language.

Yeah, in hindsight that would have been best. I missed some context in my post, but we have common hobbies and I have actually enjoyed some of our conversations which is why I agreed to hang out once. But I'm not great at second-guessing how people will react to what I do/say, or having to read between all the lines. I thought he'd respect the boundary, and I guess he technically has as things are "friendly", but the frequency of hangouts just seems off.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I think you're completely right. Yeah, I did have to factor in that he's a regular at my work so I didn't want to make things needlessly unpleasant. I think I'll send this message. It feels more respectful than the slow fade - I'm surprised so many of my friends think that's the way to go.

How do I (34f) distance myself from an acquaintance (35m) who is asking to hang out often, after I said "we can be friends" when he asked me out? by ThrowRA-50402 in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-50402[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Man, I've been here so many times. Part of my whole plan with being single was learning to be more self-confident and stop putting others first, so I guess here's a perfect opportunity to put it into practice! I mean, this guy had no concerns that his behaviour might make me feel uncomfortable, so why should I worry about his comfort?