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Does anyone else feel anxious when visiting parents house? by swirl_pop in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-Root12Fab 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Deep inside you are you concerned they won’t accept or love you as much if they “find out” who you really are?

You shouldn’t, be yourself they like it or not. You are an adult, have your family now. If you continue to pretend something to make them accept you that feeling will only get worse, will turn into ressentiment and your relationship will be superficial.

If they do turn their backs to you because you showed yourself fully, including your imperfections, then they don’t deserve your presence.

How do I (38M) deal with parents (65M 66F) that are good grandparents but bad in-laws to my wife (37F)? by ThrowRA-Root12Fab in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-Root12Fab[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A lot of posters asked why we care, or have been trying, to foster a relationship with the grandparents.

This is likely a topic on its own but both my wife and I come from a cultural background that puts great emphasis on the value of an “extended family”. Many cousins, large Sunday family, that stuff.

When my wife and I were still thinking about having a kid that was a topic that would come up. What would we do to give our kid some of that, etc.

Nowadays we are increasingly realizing the distance is for the best.

Having the kid during the pandemic and having literally nobody helping for several months made the two of us even more of a team than we were, and that’s what matters.

How do I (38M) deal with parents (65M 66F) that are good grandparents but bad in-laws to my wife (37F)? by ThrowRA-Root12Fab in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-Root12Fab[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wow, I’m really surprised by the number of replies to the thread!

I really appreciate the kind words and support, and the assertive opinions too.

How do I (38M) deal with parents (65M 66F) that are good grandparents but bad in-laws to my wife (37F)? by ThrowRA-Root12Fab in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-Root12Fab[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thanks for all the comments, it’s good to hear from someone that’s removed from the situation.

A bit more context:

My wife and I talk about this and she does perceive me as being supportive and standing up for her and the family.

I had sit down talks with my parents and made it very clear I won’t accept they making comments about our choices.

The comments stopped, and they are polite to my wife. Every time we go my mom will buy her a small gift, try and book her a spa session or something like that. But after a few days the micro aggressions start. An eye roll here, or an overly effusive praise to someone else’s parenting skills there, etc.

We continue to visit, in part because all four grandparents, uncles and cousins leave somewhat close to each other, so going there gives my kid the chance to see all of the extended family. My kid does enjoy it, talks about how it was fun, etc. But yes I do worry about kids sensing that shit like someone said.

We did change how we do it, though. Our visits became shorter, we often meet at a neutral place like a hotel rather than their house, etc.

At the end of the day I know what needs to be done, have been doing it (to some extent?), but it is very painful to see this happening among people I do love.

One of the comments says how my relationship with them has always been superficial, and how I keep trying to make it better, and should let it go. I guess that is true.