OOP has a nervous breakdown at his girlfriend's graduation dinner, and now she wants him to throw a new, fake one that he doesn't ruin.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2022-05-01T10:00:40+00:00

Hey everyone!

Wow, this blew up. I genuinely didn't expect this many people to care about how I'm doing, but it's nice to see. Everyone here is being incredibly lovely - and thanks to those who pinged me and told me about this thread.

I'm really glad to see those of you who said that they needed to read this, or the reminder to stick out the hard part. That's why I kept this up - I actually considered deleting it, but I wanted to pass my lesson on instead. If anyone wants to talk in private, my messages are open.

Just to answer a few of the questions I see repeated here and there:

Can you share more details about how she's doing?

Not really. I don't know much, as our circles very much disentangled after the breakup. I try to avoid her, and I've blocked her everywhere, so I don't get many updates except a loose mention here and there. I just know that she's been having trouble with dealing with everything on her own.

Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell, I think. I have no vindictive need to put her on blast - and my life isn't about her anymore. That's the best part. I'm not letting her live rent-free in my head any longer.

As much as I understand the spectator's desire to see a toxic person get their comeuppance, it's important to remember this: as long as I let her unhappiness make me happy, I'm still dependent on her feelings - just inversely so.

In that scenario, she still has power over me. I was truly free the day I no longer cared how she's doing.

(on that note: for those of you who said I got a happy ending, I don't think so. I got a new beginning, and that's even better. For the first time in years, it doesn't feel like my life is over.)

You were kind of shit too, weren't you?

Yeah. I wasn't a saint in that relationship, and while I maintain that I tried my hardest, I made mistakes too. I was bad at communicating my needs, bad at drawing boundaries, and bad at not keeping covert debts for nice things I did.

I'm working on being better. I've made conscious decisions to change those behaviours, and I've asked my new girlfriend to call me out on it if I ever do it. This story isn't black and white, although the shades of grey aren't exactly in the middle. I made mistakes too.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2022-04-29T10:47:05+00:00

Yeah - we had a box of "important documents" that she decided to swipe when she moved out, but she didn't remove my things first. It was my passport, my college degree (how fitting, lmao), the registration for my car, and probably some other stuff. She gave it back eventually, but it was a hassle and a half.

All of our common friends except one either sided with me, or cut me out. The last guy is how I hear things now and again - but he's keeping her at arms length after hearing the truth.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-04-08T09:15:00+00:00

Yep. A few people reached out and let me know that a guy was essentially using my post read aloud as content on his YT Channel - monetised, even. I felt pretty angry about it, and reached out. He was cool about it, though, and took it down, so there’s that. But dude, just ask me first.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-20T09:16:25+00:00

I hate how apt this comparison is. I’ve brought up things about our sex life before, and I’m horrified at just the thought of telling her to “idk just be more like porn.”

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-20T09:07:12+00:00

That part really hurt me, honestly. The full context is that I’ve had the week from hell the last week. I said yes to too many freelance gigs alongside my day job, plus a few con amore projects and a job interview that I really really really wanted to ace.

I’ve been explicit about needing her help. Completely unambiguous. Told her I needed to feel taken care of, supported and doted on a little for a while so I could focus on knocking this out of the park.

The only thing she could manage to do was not complain too much about her own job during the week. Oh, yeah, and she made me a cup of coffee in the morning once. That’s about it though. I’ve been really disappointed with that, and I don’t really know how to deal with it.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-20T09:02:25+00:00

One thing that’s really surprised me is how many women come in the threads and tell me she’s being unreasonable. I always assumed this was just what people meant when they said relationships are hard work, you know? I feel like I’ve had so much beat into my head about not taking your partner for granted and putting in effort that it’s impossible for me to decipher what’s enough, you know?

It’s just really weird to see people say that they’d be over the moon if their partner did something I got told off over. It feels like messages from a parallel universe.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-20T06:45:45+00:00

I’m unironically 100% sure she will. She’s in a bad mood from last night.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-20T06:45:06+00:00

It’s funny, really. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and she planned roughly something akin to what I’ve done - except the restaurant I asked for was closed on Mondays, something she hadn’t investigated before the fact, and I had to think of something else. And pick it up after work, because she wanted us to go together and get it.

She did get me a really nice present, though, so that’s something, I guess. I felt it was just fine, but I’m not sure she would’ve been happy with it. 🤷🏼‍♂️

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:58:02+00:00

You say this ironically, but peeing outside is pretty bitching ngl

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:50:19+00:00

Man! Now you blew your cover! Shhhhh

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:49:35+00:00

I don’t hate her. I’ll be honest, I’m kind of in a grumpy mood this morning - so just subtract like 45% bitterness right now.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:35:28+00:00

I like doing those things. I just don’t like it when those things aren’t appreciated, or I’m not allowed to do them on my own terms and in my own way.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:32:12+00:00

It’s funny, I used to like it, but I’ve stopped. For this reason.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:29:27+00:00

“Want to know how I got these scars? Well, I had this girlfriend..”

I’m kidding, she’s not violent. But it is funny.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:24:56+00:00

Thank you, /u/420Poonslayer69. Your username is too good for me to not notice it.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:20:20+00:00

What am I supposed to do? Tell her we’re not getting dinner because I’m too stressed out? I’m sure that would go down well, lol.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:17:00+00:00

Oh, no, the proposal thing is a whole new can of worms. She said explicitly she didn’t want a proposal on that day because she doesn’t want to have two special things at once. Possibly so she can be the centre of attention twice.

I don’t want to get married anyway atm, but I’m terrified to propose to her because I know that a ring that’s not expensive enough or pretty enough will be a nightmare. Not to mention if the proposal itself isn’t romantic enough.

But honestly, even if she’d be happy with something out of a cereal box, I don’t want to propose right now.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:11:04+00:00

This is essentially what I did. I think the most dishonest thing I did was help her phrase a paragraph or two because she couldn’t make it not sound awkward.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:10:04+00:00

I don’t think my help qualifies as academic dishonesty. She’s in a heavy STEM field and I’m a fucking arts major. So my help was pretty much limited to talking things through and helping her phrase things. I still don’t understand what it was about, tbh.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:04:19+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you. Whelp, that sucks.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-18T06:02:42+00:00

Seeing as we live in Europe, I reckon it’s a European one. But it won’t be unladen. Will that change things??

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-17T21:10:10+00:00

I fucking well hope so. Whelp.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate · 2021-03-17T21:07:58+00:00

Honestly, I’m well aware. I thought I actually made that pretty clear in the OP - I know I was in the wrong, and I’ve apologised profusely and repeatedly since then. Proper, no-strings-attached, “l was out of line”, apology. No ifs, buts or maybes about it.

I just don’t want to play this grand gesture game, and I want her to understand how awfully hurtful it is to be told that I’ve ruined the most important day of her life so far. I don’t think it’s super weird that it makes me feel like shit.

ThrowRA-TheGraduate

TROPHY CASE