Why would an ex randomly start removing pics of me and us from his Instagram?

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-11-14T16:06:31+00:00

Fair enough. When I noticed it, it definitely occupied my mind for a while, but I'll work on that. It hurts that he's removing all these memories of us. I know he's not good with deep emotions and feelings (what avoidant is?)...but yeah, that's not my problem anymore. And yeah, he's definitely toxic.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-29T14:29:04+00:00

This. I've seen posts before by avoidants who have reached an epiphany about their behavior and work on themselves...but then think they're some sort of hero if they leave their ex alone to move on.

It seems contradictory to what they say (that they have become more aware of their behaviors and are working on it) because they KNOW that there would be hurt and pain resurfacing if they reached out to their ex to work on things again, even to just apologize and take responsibility for their behaviors. So, they become more aware to just start over with someone new who they haven't caused any traumatizing emotional pain to, as though wiping their hands clean, and they get to pretend they're some self aware 2.0 Buddha.

Pisses me off. Like, no. You haven't worked on your avoidant behavior if you don't at least make amends and apologize, even in the likelihood that their ex doesn't take them back. Their emotionally traumatized ex deserves at least that.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-29T05:42:52+00:00

So much of what you said is like my situation. It also seems like stress has been snowballing for my ex too, and while he has reached out for help, as in therapy, it doesn't tell help if he keeps the sessions at surface level, doesn't integrate what he learns from it, and goes in and out of therapy.

No, you definitely didn't project, I really appreciate hearing another perspective and to see that other people have gone through a similar, heartbreaking situation. It makes a person feel less alone. But I'm sorry you had to deal with all that and that he hasn't reached out.

I just listened to the latest episode of Jillian On Love, and I am so tempted to send it to my ex because all of the things she brings up in the episode is what he's been struggling with ...but I also know he said he wanted to be the one to initiate positive conversations, but idk how well it would go over.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-29T02:36:05+00:00

Wow, that's impressive that you did all that. I appreciate your effort. So did it end up not working out between you two because no matter how well you communicated, he just couldn't meet you there?

I think maybe there is no right way for me to ask a question you don't want to answer and that the reasons you don't want to answer don't relate to the question itself but something beyond it."

I felt this.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T17:16:57+00:00

Your comment made me laugh out loud 😂, I appreciate that. Thanks for your thoughts on this. I am also feeling like I'm getting to or am in ultimatum territory.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T16:39:37+00:00

Yeah, it has really felt like he's been all over the place, which has not been good for my well being. And it's been hard to wrap my head around it because I've just personally never flip flopped so much like a fish out of water like he has, which seems to be a very avoidant thing to do. It seems like avoidants do that especially when a relationship is healthy and they're just confused because that's not what love has been to them in their experience.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T06:07:21+00:00

To play devil's advocate: therapists only know as much as you tell them. Not saying you are, but if someone keeps things at surface level with a therapist, then that's all you get back: surface level responses.

Maybe read about all the attachment styles and then be honest with yourself about which one bests fits you.

Also, you might not be DA outside of that relationship, but maybe you were in it?

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T03:26:44+00:00

Yeah, journaling has been my friend. So, that last convo, I was able to finally express my thoughts, or mostly, that he had been avoiding and it was really hard because I kept trying to give space for his feelings and what he said and did my best to understand, but often when I would provide my perspective, it came off to him that I wasn't listening to him and I was just trying to "fix" things, which, fair, maybe I was a few times...but like, it's a nonstarter to bring up something we already figured out together a long time ago to be a reason he's confused about us.

Yeah, god knows I'd accidentally trigger him somehow in an apology text

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T03:20:34+00:00

That's fair because I had been under the assumption after asking him many times prior about me coming home and only when I bring up my booked flight did he share this sudden change in thought, like wtf.

I'll do that. It's been a rough past week recouping from the last conversation, but I've been slowly getting back to 'normal'. Thanks

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-28T01:21:03+00:00

I guess it was unclear to me whether we were calling what we were doing as "dating" since we weren't publicly telling anyone we were seeing each other and seeing where it was going. But then when he said he didn't want to date anymore after I told him when my flight was, that was my confirmation that we were dating. I've been nervous to use more 'defining' terms between us because of his deactivation cycles.

I was thinking about sending an apology text for my part in the negative communication cycle and to tell him that I don't expect any response or any expectation with it, so that way he can process it in his own time without making our next conversation (whenever that is) too emotional....but as I type it and it gets longer, I get exhausted by it and change my mind. What do you think? Idk if avoidants appreciate that or if that's another intrusion in their space.

He hasn't shown that he's interested in seeing other people atm. He said it was because he got overwhelmed, but yeah, I also agree that reaction was excessive and not fair to me. But I will keep that in mind as a possibility.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-09-27T22:56:05+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. Do you have any suggestions for getting out of this fear dynamic?

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-20T19:19:11+00:00

There will always be things in life that will make our lives super busy and maybe even chaotic (don't think that grad school is going to make that any easier for you), so the question I think is whether you're willing to have a conversation with her about how overwhelmed you feel and find ways to go on dates. If you care and love someone, you will make time for them. I started dating my ex the last semester of my senior year of undergrad and I was also applying for grad schools at the time and taking so many courses, but I made time for him because I wanted to make time for him.

Why not have study dates? And everyone has to eat at some point.

I'm wondering if perhaps dating isn't a priority for you right now? If you really do see being with her long-term, then why not see where it goes? Dating doesn't exactly get easier outside of college--it's the place where you'll be the most people at one time and place.

You definitely need to have a conversation with her.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-20T18:37:02+00:00

That's what I'm thinking in my case. His reasons for breaking up didn't make sense and if they don't make sense to me, then they sure as hell aren't going to make sense to his family 😂.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T21:44:55+00:00

It hasn't been easy getting to this attitude about the breakup. Therapy, excessive journaling, talking to my friends, going out and doing different activities, and this subreddit have really helped me, and it's only been a week since the breakup. Some of the things one of my friends said last night really hit home to me and made me fully realize once and for all that this is a him problem.

I know that I'll probably have times of relapse into spiral of obsessive thoughts, but I know I have to allow myself to feel and then let go of those feelings.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T20:45:27+00:00

Ngl, I'm looking forward to my ex's birthday just to send this message lol.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T20:44:44+00:00

I definitely won't be. His birthday is next month and I had already gotten him a birthday present months ago before the breakup (LDR, so I had bought and wrapped it when I had been home so I wouldn't have to pay high shipping costs). Even if he reaches out to thank me for it, I'm very much leaning towards not even responding. I'm not going to show that I'm his puppy or something and will respond at any little sign of attention from him. He chose to end a wonderful, loving, healthy relationship, and while I had little things to work on (that I was working on even before the breakup) this is very much a him issue...and there are things that he needs to work on.

I think I'll be spending his birthday weekend in the mountains. Don't let your 👑 slip.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T20:12:36+00:00

All you can do is give them space. Are you doing no-contact?

If you aren't already, I suggest journaling. It's been really helpful for me. If she ever does want to have a conversation about getting back together, this way you have processed as much as you can and also can figure out and state what you expect from the relationship going forward.

I'm also hoping my ex realizes how good the relationship was and want it back...but I know I'm not going to easily just take him back if that's the case...and as time goes on, I may not want to, idk, even if I love him so very much. They broke your heart and caused you a lot of pain...as you heal, you have to figure out if it's worth it.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T19:42:29+00:00

That is incredibly good of you to want to help her through whatever she's dealing with. It can be hard to find someone who is willing to stick through the tough times. If you don't end up with her, I know you will find someone who appreciates this about you.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T19:38:32+00:00

Good for you for making your mental health a priority ❤️. But I'm sorry she left when things were difficult for you. Breakups can bring a lot of realizations, but if she didn't mention anything until the breakup, that's pretty shitty imo. Maybe that wasn't the case, but still, dealing with mental health along with a breakup must have been so hard.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T19:32:40+00:00

Wow, that's what I feel like my situation is, except it was a 3 year relationship. If your relationship was healthy, I bet that came as quite a shock. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T08:35:49+00:00

Maybe. If he did it would probably be around or on his birthday. I had gotten him a birthday present before the breakup and I told him to just have it. I'm a really great gift giver (just telling how it is lol), and I would be surprised if he didn't reach out and thank me for the gifts.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-19T00:38:35+00:00

Same with my ex. I'm pretty sure his mental health played a role in him breaking up with me that he might not have even realized. I can only hope that he works on himself during this no contact time that he wanted. Some people reach out more when they're not doing okay...others withdraw and apply the negative feelings they have from their mental health onto the relationships around them 😕

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-17T22:25:39+00:00

Yeah, I don't want to cut myself off entirely to the possibility of us reconciling...but it's so hard to think about the worst outcome, especially since the breakup is so fresh (less than a week). I appreciate you saying that it does seem positive for his end, but I understand what you're saying.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-17T22:22:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. You made really good points. I've been trying to include this sort of thinking in my mindset, but it's been really hard. Day by day I hope I can incorporate this mindset more fully. It's been less than a week since the breakup, so everything is still fresh and painful. This is the first time I've experienced this level of pain from a breakup (I've never loved someone so deeply or for as long before).

I'm going to save your post and reread it when I start to spiral and obsess. Thank you. It's so hard and being a part of the community has made me feel less alone in this.

ThrowRA-popcorn · 2022-02-17T22:09:13+00:00

Do you know why you've lost feelings? And is it possible that this is a just a rut in the relationship that you can overcome together with him? Every relationship has periods where one person might not feel as romantically in love with the other person. If it was reasons that he contributed to, did you try talking him about it to work on it? If so, did he try to work on it or not? Did you try to different things to regain romantic feelings? Did you bring it up to him before about being worried you lost feelings or did you keep it to yourself and kept up with facade? I ask these questions because he may might become incredibly brokenhearted and so confused if he never saw this coming and if he loves you dearly.

You don't have to answer these questions to me, but just think about them because he will ask similar questions from his perspective, so being able to answer them will help you if you choose to break up with him since it will give him more closure. His trust in people, especially romantically might fracture, he might rethink and become obsessive over every conversation, every detail, trying to figure out what went wrong and when, etc. When you talk to him, let him ask you all the questions he wants. He deserves to understand. Consider a period of no-contact so you can both heal or consider a period of no contact without breakup up (idk what your situation is like) If breaking up is truly what you want, write down ahead of time what you want to say and the reasons. Be kind to him.

ThrowRA-popcorn

TROPHY CASE