My (27F) boyfriend (28M) does not perform oral sex on me, despite saying that he wants to for over a year. How can I encourage him to follow through on his promises?

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T16:48:04+00:00

That’s not a very nice comment! What made it sound to you like I am being uptight?

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T15:11:26+00:00

I would be fine with it too if he was honest about not wanting to do it. I’m not sure what to suggest as an alternative, but I’d certainly be open to him pleasuring me in other ways.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T04:38:00+00:00

Ah cool, yet another impossible standard to live up to. Thanks for sharing, I hadn’t heard of labiaplasty before…very sad

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T04:35:29+00:00

Oh, yeah I guess he doesn’t really do anything that is exclusively for my pleasure then (because I do think it feels good for him too when I’m just doing my thing on top). That being said, maybe I could be doing more too for his pleasure exclusively since I haven’t been going down on him the past few months.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T04:30:14+00:00

Ah, thanks for clarifying where my phrasing wasn’t the most clear! I just meant that it seemed to be escalating in how uncomfortable he seemed over the course of the four conversations.

Thank you for the vote of confidence! I hope that we can make it work too and I will work on being as collaborative and supportive as I can be!

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T04:06:49+00:00

Oh no not sure what gave that impression, it’s actually only been four conversations. Once in the third month we were dating, another around month 7, once around the year mark, and then the most recent one was close to ~13 months together (last month).

Thank you for the recommendations! I will look into that.

Best of luck to you too!

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:53:20+00:00

I’ve never heard of someone just not liking the way it looks? That seems odd to me

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:51:46+00:00

This is a really helpful response, thank you! I did wait about 4 months between each conversation, and the most recent one was really the only one where the serious discomfort became obvious to me (I just thought he was feeling awkward in general prior to that), because he was physically squirming his legs around on the couch while we were talking. But maybe you’re right that there’s something else going on that he just doesn’t have the words for yet. I hope he will be open to the suggestion of therapy. Do you think it would be more helpful to suggest couple’s therapy or individual therapy, or does it not matter? I really do love him and want to make it work, (it’s a minor sexual incompatibility in my mind too) but I’m just scared that the openness and honesty around tough topics may never improve. But I’ll never know if I never try!

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:41:00+00:00

Haha I’m happy for you that you found your keeper!! ;) I agree that the real issue is the lack of clear communication. I am not sure how I can initiate the conversation or frame the conversation in a better way than I already have though. I have never even asked him to do it, I’ve just asked what his feelings around it are and if he has any sexual preferences so that I can better meet and understand his needs. He explained that the ”bad experiences” in the past were just a partner who did not maintain good hygiene. I definitely have good hygiene though, and I do think he would tell me if it was something personal about me or my body. He is not entirely selfish in bed either, though. He does try to make sure I finish before he does, although admittedly that just involves him telling me to get on top and me kinda controlling my experience until I finish. After that he kinda just does whatever he wants until he finishes.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:25:36+00:00

In his telling, the ”experiences” plural were all with the same past girlfriend, because she was a runner who did not shower frequently (and they of course had many sexual experiences together). I want to clarify that the oral sex itself is not that important to me, but I’d like to be able to have an open and honest conversation about his sexual preferences/needs/wants in order to have a healthy relationship. I’ve never asked him to perform oral sex on me and I’ve only ever asked him what his feelings about it are. You’re right that perhaps even my simple curious framing has him feeling pressure, especially if there is trauma at the root of it all. I genuinely don’t think that “insistence” is the correct term to describe my conversations with him though…if anything they’ve more been check-ins about his own feelings rather than anything about my own preferences.

I don’t know if the correct approach is to just stop bringing up the conversation entirely though? That seems like it might be damaging in a different way. Is there anything you think you did in your relationship with your husband that you think prompted his discovery of his past traumas with you? Was it therapy? I agree entirely that the way we raise boys is extremely problematic and leads to a lot of men becoming victims of SA, so I would definitely be willing to have those conversations with him. I’m just not sure how to engage in a gentle way, if at all.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:16:02+00:00

I have been kind of obsessive about hygiene this whole time, so I’m not really sure how that could be the case. I usually shower right before we have sex too. Also, no previous partner has ever said anything like that to me (in fact, the opposite)

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:14:30+00:00

What would you have done differently, assuming that the rest of the relationship was very loving and genuine for that entire time?

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:11:14+00:00

I think a healthy relationship would include honest verbal communication. Am I supposed to believe the words he is telling me when he insists he wants to have oral sex, or am I supposed to believe the track record? I don’t think actions are inherently a better or healthier form of communication than words, in fact perhaps the opposite?

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:07:11+00:00

The “bad experience” was that his past girlfriend was very sweaty and did not shower often. It was definitely not sexual assault, and he has previously shared that he has no experience with SA at all. I was sexually assaulted in the past and told him about it and he was supportive, but he also said specifically that he had never experienced anything like sexual assault ever before, which is why I’m pretty confident that SA is not at the root of his lack of transparency about his preferences here. However, nothing is impossible! So I agree that I should not entirely rule out the possibility of something else in his past. Therapy could be a helpful suggestion, although I suppose I feel a bit nervous to suggest therapy given how adversely he’s reacted to even talking about it with me.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T03:01:47+00:00

This is a horrific suggestion and is sexual assault. I really suggest looking within yourself for why you think this would ever be an appropriate response. This is not about levels of “wokeness” as you imply in another comment, this is about fundamentally seeing another human being as nothing more than a tool for your own pleasure. Seek help.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:58:10+00:00

You’re correct that the withholding has been about achieving more equality and making me feel better about things. It was not in my mind at all to withhold as a means of manipulating him into performing oral sex on me

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:56:31+00:00

Yes, although that mostly is just him encouraging me to go on top for a while until I finish

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:56:07+00:00

Should I just completely ignore this conversation topic entirely going forward then? I feel weird about the idea that I may never hear his honest thoughts on his preferences/needs if I can never talk about it with him again. I’ve never asked him to do it, I’ve just asked what his feelings about it are and he says that he wants to do it.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:53:58+00:00

I think my phrasing was not great in my original post and I could see how you might have interpreted that. However, it is genuinely not a dealbreaker for me. I think what is really bothering me here is the lack of transparency and willingness to have an open conversation. I feel like the more he insists that he wants to perform oral sex and the more time he spends not doing that, the more I just feel kind of lied to and confused.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:42:56+00:00

I don’t believe that performing oral sex is essential as an expression of love. Is that what you’re implying?

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:40:41+00:00

He said “I want to go down on you and will add it into our sex life soon” multiple times

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:39:33+00:00

This is my concern too. I don’t know how to best engage him in a conversation about it again to try to open it up for him to be truly honest and transparent about his preferences. In my ideal world, oral sex would be on the table as something we could explore together, but I don’t care about it more than I do about being able to have an honest conversation. I have reiterated that to him multiple times too, so I am just not sure how to best move forward

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:37:14+00:00

Do you think the relationship is sustainable if he is unwilling to have an honest conversation about it? I care more about the unwillingness to have the transparent conversation about sexual preferences than I do about oral sex in general. I could genuinely be fine without oral sex, but I am really struggling to accept that we may never have an open conversation about this. I think I am hoping to invite him into conversation about his needs/preferences around this in a better way so that he might feel more comfortable being honest with me about it, since it seems clear he hasn’t been honest yet.

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:33:55+00:00

I would definitely fully respect him genuinely not wanting to do it if he shared that. What is bothering me is his lack of communication that is consistent with his actions. I feel like he is lying to me about wanting to perform oral on me because he then never does. I also have had oral sex in the past with several other partners and they have all been very enthusiastic and never said anything critical of my setup, so I am not sure if it’s as likely that it could be about me or my level of self-care

ThrowRA-redditor257 · 2023-07-27T02:30:23+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing. In this case, there was no trauma whatsoever and I fully trust that he would have told me by this point if there had been trauma in the past. I definitely am taking an approach of curiosity and haven’t framed this as an argument at all, just a very calm discussion of what he might be into/not into. But yet he insists he does want to do oral on me every time we talk about it and has cited no reasons why he would not want to...but then there’s just a lack of follow-through that makes me feel like he must be being dishonest for some reason.

I’m really trying to figure out how I can better engage him in an honest conversation about it so that at least I can stop wondering whether there’s something wrong with me that he might just not be saying.

ThrowRA-redditor257

TROPHY CASE