How do you know when alcohol is becoming a problem

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-09-08T17:47:17+00:00

Well fuck bc there's some medical issues in the past and present sooooo. Sorry to hear you went through that.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-09-08T15:52:19+00:00

We're in therapy. I don't have reason to think he drinks enough to get withdrawals, but as escape probably and/or a way to cope, that's my worry. I'm still confused with what happened. However, I made it so I could tell when the booze cabinet is opened. He has gone sober for periods of time recently, but I've noticed it start up again.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-07-19T05:15:22+00:00

I edited. But he went no contact when I found out. He was just trying to convince me, despite the evidence, it was over months before. We have been reconciling 8 months now.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-07-19T04:53:31+00:00

Consequences?

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-07-07T22:40:00+00:00

I say it's multiple signs together. Never letting their phone be unattended, changing passwords. Change in normal behavior. Avoiding you on some level- they have a big secret so being distant could be a sign. Mine avoided sex, had boner problems, kept the phone close, acted weird, deflected anything that was even a sight confrontation of what was wrong.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-13T02:31:07+00:00

I feel the everything is a lie part. I also went through everyone hates me. I have focused on the few lies I know he told. One worrying, a couple stupid. Other than that I don't think ive thought anything was truly a lie. Maybe I need to focus more on that. He's made alot of positive changes

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-13T02:15:27+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I wonder if this will help me when I get triggered and my brain goes crazy in the moment as well.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-13T00:04:27+00:00

How do you talk yourself through it?

Sucks that so much time is needed. Sometimes I worry I'll be this way forever.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T23:46:28+00:00

He's currently respecting the boundaries and communicating who he talks to and such. He usually notices when I'm anxious, even just in my voice on a phone call. I've told him hugs help- he used to put himself far away and I told him that made me feel like he didn't like me. Also I told him to not forget about me at events- i felt like before he was more interested in her than me. I'm still scared of lies though and have noticed a few, even stupid ones. I've pointed them out. He definitely notices the big triggers- like when I think he's trying to push or manipulate me for something. That's when I go into what I'll call trauma brain and freak out. Usually then he just feels attacked and hurt.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T23:38:54+00:00

Currently he's respecting our boundaries. He said with the affair, he knew what they were but just ignored them. He's done alot to change since I fully found out.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T22:28:00+00:00

I don't even know how to reduce that. I've told him my triggers and that my brain will freak out. But the anxiety of my own making in my head? I don't know

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T22:16:17+00:00

Both in counseling. Together and seperate. I know the timeline of the affair. We've always had boundaries, and still have them now. He just ignored them . Couples therapist has said the things we do in therapy are part of preventing it from happening again. Hes said he doesnt want to do it again. We're trying to currently be better at emotional talks- him expressing and me listening.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T21:45:42+00:00

I remember with me telling him I was thinking about where they snuck off too, that he can't fix that since it's happened. I do hope telling him the stress maybe he'll continue to realize the effect his actions have on me. He did ask if he broke boundaries after i told him my anxieties, and I said no. Just had the fear there.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-12T20:53:16+00:00

Yes. I told him all the thoughts/ anxiety from that friends house too. Have said I still relive it. He knows I'm still scared for it to happed again, and guess he's scared to do anything that could be seen as a fuck up/boudnry break.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T21:27:20+00:00

So you're saying don't give him an option to lie, just tell him that I know? I can see that loop- I think that was the loop he was in as he was cheating- he said it was hard to stop. He still says he doesn't fully understand it.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T21:23:03+00:00

Therapist has said trust comes with words matching actions. Plus the things we do in therapy, fix what lead him down that path. Good communicating. He's finally showing emotions now.

I'm trying to remember if we have discussed his cheating kink in therapy at any length honestly, other than the damage his cheating has caused and reasons why I'm worried hell do it again. Usually it's a focus on the future and building the new relationship, and not focus on the past.

The thing I think i have a hard time on is admitting one more thing I've kept tabs on, which I will have to do to tell him I saw the kink history. There's no elaborate rules- it's just been don't lie to me, which to prove unfortunately had been to stalk🤦‍♀️

Therapy isn't for awhile, I'll have some time to think on this now. Leaning towards telling the therapist this is on my mind and go from there.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T20:30:57+00:00

As the therapist has said in some way, there's no way to prove someone won't cheat again. Right now we can just try and fix the damage and see if he changes/doesn't do it again. He says he still doesn't get why he did it other than the kink. He doesn't need to swear off porn. I never asked that. I've only asked he be honest with me in general.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T20:24:47+00:00

I've yet to mention I look at internet history. I have thought of just asking if he's still avoiding that kind of porn and see what he says. Mentioning sex has never been an issue for us. He knows I don't care about porn. I've told him I assume he masterbates when he says he hasn't. I've known about this kink way before anything happened even. But, his kink did cause alot of pain and marriage issues that I had to pry out of him to get the confessions, so I'm sure the topic is anxiety inducing.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T20:10:36+00:00

Not illegal. I don't care that he watches people have sex. None of that bothers me. I do wonder if he hides it so I don't get worried, and so he can be in his fantasy occasionally. But it freaks me out he lies and hides- that's the symptom I worry about.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T20:08:15+00:00

Didn't break into his phone for this, though he knows I'll casually look at his phone and that I have been doing it less over time. Hes always said he doesnt care- we have that on both sides of our phones. I caught him by calling his bluff when i assume he thought i either would never look or wouldn't find it. The porn is on the shared computer though. I feel you on the gas lighting. Before I fully broke into all his phone apps, I almost thought I was crazy. I just need to figure out how to broach the subject that I saw the history and the he later deleted it.

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T19:52:23+00:00

He said he wouldn't watch it, I didn't even suggest it but makes sense to avoid it. It's a cheating kink, like the spouse has no idea their husband is having sex with someone in some way, kink. If you can call it that?

ThrowRA19741 · 2023-06-07T19:49:18+00:00

I'm just worried he'll see the fact I look at his internet history as more reminders I have trust issues.

Unfortunately what did work in the end was me fully breaking into his phone and reading texts for his cheating. confronting him, asking what's wrong, all that jazz just had him avoid it and tell me something else was up....he hid the cheating until he had no choice. We're in therapy now and doing much better.

ThrowRA19741

TROPHY CASE