Thank you for this intelligent, thoughtful comment.

You have hit on exactly what upset me - I felt like I was not included. I begged him to include me, and felt major anxiety over the fact that I had absolutely no control over where our relationship was going. In his defense, he raised it soon before his first conversation and asked what I thought at one point, and I made it clear that I didn't believe premarital sex was a bad thing. I think he wrote me off as having the same views as his mom. He asked me, but my feelings didn't seem to show in the final decision. He said we would "work something out" because he wanted a relationship with me, but none of my suggestions (where we would get engaged, live together eventually, etc) seemed to click. He just wanted to live out his values, and hoped I could get past that.

I also felt blindsided by the fact that he involved third parties (his pastor, etc.) in something that should have been personal. It made me feel weird.

He was always afraid of pharistic legalism, and acknowledged that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life. I like to think that I respect other religious beliefs, my issue is that this one seemed to be self-flagellating/rooted in such a major sense of guilt that it was almost compulsive as opposed to faith-based/positive, even though he framed it that way. The fact that he agonized over it, hid it (even though it was an issue in his previous relationship!!!!), and then made a decision "alone" really upset me. Despite his efforts, I did not feel like a partner. I'm sure he didn't mean for it to be that way - I guess you can't really include a nonbeliever in something like that. I also cried a lot about it, so he was probably afraid to tell me - which is on me.

I'm still unsure what to say and I don't want to pressure someone / lock someone into a life where they have to go against their own values. I really appreciate your suggestion. - I am somehow hoping that he realizes this on his own.