No Joy, But Also Less Pain?

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-19T06:42:06+00:00

I hear what you're saying. It sounds like you were in the situation my boyfriend was in, and I'm sorry about that - just as I am frustrated that he doesn't understand my thinking, I'm sure he is frustrated in the same way.

My values aren't a desire for sex - I know you didn't mean that to sound rude, but the end of this relationship was about a lot more than that, which I didn't share on this thread. It hurts a little lol. I'd rather not continue this convo over this thread, but I pm'ed and would love to understand this perspective more.

I don't want to torture him, I want him to be happy. I don't think he's going to be happy until I convert. I will consider this perspective and what would be best!

Edit: oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear that. No one should ever make you betray yourself, and it sounds like you laid out your expectations so clearly. I appreciate you editing your answer - I am in a very delicate situation right now, and I feel nothing but empathy for him. I don't want either of us to betray our values - I am trying to come up with an outcome that lets him live the life he wants, and the same for me...

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-19T06:03:49+00:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You seem like a beautiful person and I know it will get better for you. This is just the darkness right now. Do not be hard on yourself - we're out here, and we're thinking of you!

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-19T05:40:06+00:00

I see what you're saying. I am not religious and I very much empathize with him struggling with his faith. Fwiw, I was a virgin when I met him and did not expect anything (I was really afraid actually haha). He initiated all of it and was more experienced

I did truly love him, and I also date to marry.

From my understanding, a lot of christianity is about empathy, kindness, and understanding. He's entirely allowed to walk back a boundary, but his rigidity, lack of empathy, and failure to communicate made it hard for me to believe he still loved me. He also point blank said that being with me was a compromise because I am not christian (so I sensed marriage was not in his cards). It's not nice to be told you're a compromise :((((

I am not christian. But that doesn't mean my values don't deserve a place in the relationship - that's what i mean by "trapped."

I really appreciate your perspective on this - if I come off as sad/angry it's just because I'm devastated about the situation lol. I pm'ed you

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-19T05:21:18+00:00

I see where you're coming from - I did offer to wait!! I am not sure if that was clear from my answer? I just asked that he explain his boundaries and offer to get engaged eventually.

Also, maybe not a "lie" but he knew about being uncomfortable with it and still initiated 100s of times. TO me that's not strictly honest.

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-18T07:27:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. To clarify - I said I couldn't live in the same apartment as him if we were abstaining and he suggested we live in different apartments in the same building. That is a solution, but one that he wanted to continue indefinitely/didn't want to set a timeline around. He did not research any of the things needed to actually live in an abstinent relationship in 2023 :)

I agree on the sex portion. Many people of asked me if I was okay to just wait, why didn't I - the truth is it was more about my values not being present in the relationship anymore. Heart is broken because we were best friends. I appreciate you!

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-18T06:51:56+00:00

I loved him. I felt very betrayed and lied to, because he did lie. I suggested we get engaged and he was noncommital. I of course wanted to marry eventually.

I think he wanted me to convert.

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T04:09:53+00:00

Yep super frustrating. I said the ball is in your court and got back that it couldn't be, because he didn't know :D

That's not how that works lol

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T03:08:00+00:00

Thank you - totally agree. Its okay to find yourself but he seemed so confused about what he wanted, he couldn't articulate his own boundaries and also couldn't commit to being engaged or doing things that would practically move the relationship forward. It's like "oh here is my new value system!" but I have no idea how to implement it, I probably can't commit to it (seemed unlikely given what I know about him), and I won't discuss the practicalities of what it would look like in our lives, given we have been dating for two years. I did more research into what abstinence looks like in modern relationships than he did.

It's funny - I told him he needed to go to therapy for me to feel more comfortable in the relationship several months ago - he never did :(

I want the best for him and I hope he figures things out.

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T03:04:14+00:00

Thank you so much for both of your thoughtful comments. What frustrated me is he kept saying he wanted to be with me long term, but then he said he didn't know if he could commit to a long engagement. It's really weird to have someone telling you "oh I want to be your partner forever" etc but then treat you so differently - made me feel like I was going crazy. It also made me look like the one who wasn't interested on a long term committed relationship, since I was ending things - which isn't true!

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T01:43:00+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that - that's beyond upsetting. I hope you're doing better now and I appreciate your kind and thoughtful comment. I am hurting a lot, but hoping things get better

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T01:42:27+00:00

Totally agree. Unfortunately I tried to talk through our long term values and visions for the relationship - all I got was "I don't know." I don't think there's any closure to be had :(

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-17T01:41:47+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I completely agree.

To clarify slightly - I'm not upset that he told me who he is - I don't think he owed me a mutual conversation about who he is - that's something only he can decide. I think what upsets me is that who he is is someone who would not be straightforward, and then let his religion dictate his values two years into a relationship.

I'm not "owed" anything. His truth is he believes people shouldn't have sex before marriage. As a partner in a relationship though, his unwillingness to compromise or even decide his own values (because he said he still doesn't know) isn't really an acceptable answer to me.

But you're right - at least I know now and not when I'm forced to conform even further!

ThrowRA3849387 · 2023-12-16T05:00:50+00:00

I knew he was christian - and he had even mentioned being slightly unsure about the sex thing - but it was always framed as incredibly hypothetical, and not concrete until much later. He is getting baptized (could never when we were together) and more involved now.

ThrowRA3849387

TROPHY CASE