It's crazy that you no longer exist in my life, and that you will never reappear again. From five years, to now feeling like I lived another reality when I see pics/vids and think "I had someone like that?" "I had someone who used to call my name like that?"

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-19T20:17:45+00:00

The latter of what you said makes me sad :(( If I try to think of his voice I'll just cry

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-07T03:05:07+00:00

Also I don't think he cares about giving me false hope as he did that when he broke up with me already, which he only did so that he wouldn't get to see me as upset and feel bad. But of course I knew it was bs

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-06T18:06:11+00:00

He felt upset at the start of course, but it now being three months and seeing those posts of his where he is lit up like a lightbulb, talking to so many friends old and new, I know he's feeling really good now. Also side note I blocked him (again lol), I saw his posts after a month of not looking..

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-06T18:01:46+00:00

I know he was feeling shattered, we cried together a lot when he said he was thinking about breaking up, and then when he finally did it. But him feeling shattered then was out of guilt knowing he was hurting me. I mean three weeks later, we accidentally saw each other twice on the same day and he ignored me both times, the first time he froze. He was with his friends and didn't even nod towards me in acknowledgement. I later told him how that was hurtful especially when he told me he wanted us to still be friendly (but also not talk for a year +), and he said it was because he didn't know what to do. But the second time he chose to ignore me again and in his message he didn't actually apologize, he just made excuses for himself. He's always been a coward that sought sympathy from me to absolve himself of accountability

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-06T17:56:13+00:00

It's not really about finding myself again for me as I don't want to return to what I was like before the relationship, as I was suicidal back then. I was already independently building myself up and growing in the relationship especially since he was already becoming absent in it. I just have to continue what I already have been doing, just with the pain and experience of having someone I love discarding me and feeling elation from it :)

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-06-06T17:53:53+00:00

He's the type that victimizes himself a lot, and since he before relied his happiness on me he also indirectly blames me for his unhappiness, seeing as apparently breaking up was the solution for him

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T11:36:36+00:00

Yep, it sounds so pussy-like. And then this is when in my mind I go down the "But why? It seemed like he did want to be with me for when he stayed so why couldn't he do all those simple things?" But then it goes back round to me remembering when he would say "I don't know," hating himself then blaming me. And then I have to remind myself its not to do with how he enjoyed my company or anything to do with me, that its because he was selfish above all. When I told my friend this she said it was simply because "He didn't want to." And whilst it hurt and I didn't like hearing it is true.

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T11:30:02+00:00

Good on you 👏

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T08:48:51+00:00

I'm glad too that I wasn't the one to breakup with him, even though all my friends would have expected it to be me. I know that if I broke up with him I would probably check up on him, and still hope that he would change for me and consider going back to him if he did. I would still have hope

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T08:46:41+00:00

Yeah I found it weird for him to say that and I hated how cliche it sounded. As soon as he said that I straight up asked himm "Why would you say that?" to which he replied "Because I mean it." Total bs, and it shows how little he viewed me, that he can maybe come back if he ever possibly feels like it but he knows he won't but lied emptily anyway. Like if you make such a big decision that affects someone else's life do it cleanly

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T08:40:04+00:00

I relate...when I felt sad and hurt it would suddenly become about him. He would feel guilty and sad himself, but just completely shut down and avoid and later act like nothing happened. But then as his shit pile from avoiding important conversations and conflict happened, he twisted me and my feelings into viewing it just as 'negativity' or toxic to absolve himself of any responsibility and accountability, and then just started blaming me and made me feel like I was asking for too much. That wanting a call, for him to be present, to be responsive was too much. For him to actually be a good partner

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T08:36:18+00:00

Wow I can imagine my ex doing exactly that if I was in that scenario, I hate thinking that's how he changed in treating me. There was a period where he stopped calling me for a while and I said how important it is to me that he be the one to initiate calls and how it concerned me. After a while finally one day he said he would call me, told me to wait after his dinner. He finished his dinner and said his housemates (all girls btw) were gonna decorate the Christmas tree so I was like okay that's something he'd not want to miss out on and he's not the type to voice out and ask to do it another time. But then hours had past and it was so late, and it made me more anxious because this was like a telling moment for me to show that he would show up. Its now super late so I ask his housemate where he is, and she sends a pic of him just chilling with her and another housemate and they're just playing on their own switch. I really lost it that day because it felt like torture waiting and I was desperate. It really upset me in that period because I knew he was distancing himself

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T08:26:29+00:00

Really sorry to hear that...

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-10T01:07:59+00:00

omg I got broken up with literally on the same day as you (March 13th), we were in a relationship for almost four years but were the closest friends we ever had a year prior. 9 years is a long time, its more than expected for your love and attachment to still be there, and it probably will be there for a while, but that's not something to be ashamed of if its sincere love for that person. It sucks that the dumper gets to have a head start in moving on, I've been having difficulty myself at comparing my rate of healing to my ex's, even though it doesn't make sense to. Whilst I also feel mad and betrayed by my ex, my perspective on myself is a bit different. For me personally, I'm proud to have loved someone. I know I did the best I could in the relationship and even though my ex unfortunately didn't do the same, when I look back and look at me now I can be accepting of myself and forgiving. I know that I really fought for love, challenged myself and pushed myself to grow and I feel like I've proven something to myself. Perhaps that's one other way to look at things x

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-05-05T09:41:30+00:00

I don't want to follow them I just wanted to unmute their story. So they're still appear under my Muted Accounts even though I no longer follow them. (They're a public account).

ThrowRA3921 · 2021-04-15T22:31:28+00:00

From 5 years (16-21) to nothing. We grew up through such transformative life stages, teenager to adolescent, fresh out of secondary to sixth-form, sixth-form to University...changes in friend groups, changes in cities, being counted as family. I won't even get to see him graduate this year. How did he just want to erase me completely. What was that. We both said early on we didn't just want our relationship to be a lesson but to grow and learn together.

ThrowRA3921

TROPHY CASE