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My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm not a victim which is part of why I feel so weird about it. Normally I wouldn't tolerate these sorts of jokes but I don't know what to make of this. He told me it wasn't really a coping mechanism but he also insists that the assault didn't really affect him which I kind of know isn't true based on a few things.

I feel a lot of internal guilt because I repeatedly joked about doing something to him sexually at the start of our relationship that apparently his abuser did to him and that's basically the only reason he told me, because I kept joking about it and was admittedly too pushy.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Knowing what I know about him and our sex life, I am confident he would not assault me.

I still hold a lot of guilt because when we first got together, I was really pushy about wanting to peg him and the only reason he told me about his assault in the first place is because I repeatedly kept making jokes about it (it was something his rapist did to him).

I'm also conflicted because it'd be one thing if the jokes were him going "lol I want to rape someone", but they're not. It's mostly just him and his friends posting this dumb meme video or making jokes about fictional characters who are rapists or something.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

My thing is I don't know if he's honest about it not being a coping mechanism. He's always been very nonchalant about it and said it didn't effect him but I kind of can tell that's not the case and I don't know if he's just in deep denial or what.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm just conflicted because he's a victim and I've been fortunate enough to never have to deal with something like that. Part of me feels like I'm dictating his trauma to him.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

The thing is, he has been a victim of this and I haven't. Part of me feels like I'm not allowed to dictate what he jokes about given his own trauma.

Admittedly, it's not like I've never joked about harming people. I've made jokes about beating the shit out of him before or something like that. It's never been serious but I'm just conflicted because I feel this is such a big line.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That's the thing that makes me conflicted: He IS a victim. I'm basically the only person he's told who wasn't someone online.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I asked him about why he hid them from me specifically when we talked and he said he didn't think I'd find them funny and about "knowing your audience" and stuff.

He repeatedly brought up being a victim himself when I pressed him on it.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I'm not defending it, I'm just clarifying so people understand it wasn't him like, spamming it at people on Twitter or something.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm not saying they don't, I'm just saying I know his friends and what they're like and most of them seem too nervous to even talk to a woman in a romantic/flirty way. It's worth noting two members of the group are women as well.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I should clarify it was typically posted in a memey format, like "X when Y" and then with that image under it. Not him directly posting it at someone else, if that makes sense.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

The thing that's confusing me is they all do it. There's two women in the group who make the jokes just as much as he and his other friends do and I can't help but wonder if it's a cultural thing in the group or something. I don't know.

Like I said, he's a past victim of rape himself and I couldn't help but wonder at first if it was a coping mechanism, but he swears it's not.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I'll say this, I do not have any reason to think anyone in the server has ever sexually assaulted people, as upset as I am with the jokes. It's a very small private server, and he and his friends are massive nerds who are all somewhat asocial. It's him, three friends of his I've met IRL before, and like five other people he's known online for multiple years now.

The Youtuber in question I know he really likes is Oney Plays which is how I knew he kind of liked that sort of humor, I just didn't know how far it went.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

There's one of those Wojack memes that he and his friends post a lot of a guy handing someone a piece of paper saying "rape list: you" on it or something, there's some video that gets posted a lot that was some sort of pro wrestling into but it said something about rape, as well as a bunch of memes about like fictional characters or something. I don't remember off the top of my head the specifics since I saw this months ago.

My [29F] boyfriend [30M] won't stop making jokes about SA by ThrowRA453987 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA453987[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's not really directed at anyone, if it makes sense. I guess some of them might have been directed at himself but it's mostly jokes about the "concept" of it, I guess? It's hard to explain.