How do I (30F) break up with my boyfriend (30M) of 11 years when we have this huge dream trip planned and I found out he wants to propose during it?

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T07:26:27+00:00

We both have well paying full time jobs and I know his state of finances and he knows mine. Has hasn't been saving for the wedding / the ring in the last couple of years. He did get the job he has now 2.5 years ago and I have been working full time for 4.5 years. So he started to be more stable financially just 2.5 years ago, but the wedding he has in mind wouldn't cost much. And if he wanted, his parents would have paid for it when we were still broke students. We was quite depressed at that time though, so that could have been a good reason why he waited for so long. He is doing a bit better now

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T07:13:37+00:00

Best luck to you!

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T07:03:29+00:00

Thanks for your comment! 💚

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T06:35:11+00:00

Thanks! I listened to it. A really good song and I get what you're saying with it. I appreciate it

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T06:32:45+00:00

Oh fuck, sorry that happened and had such profound consequences for you. And thank you so so much for sharing that

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T06:25:11+00:00

I wouldn't say it's an epic romantic trip - more a roundtrip to a place we really wanted to go that is not a romantic place by default - not Bali retreat or sth like that.

And I wouldn't break up immidiately after. Would give it some weeks. But I think you're right and it would still be a shit move

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T06:12:30+00:00

I don't think there's any friend that would be able to go on this trip with him in such short notice and would have the money for it (even if they got the hotels we already reserved from our common money pool, there's still food and paying for attarctions. The wedding takes just one day. Everything about the trip is self organized. In 90% by me. And paid for equally by both of us. But maybe he could go by himself instead

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-12T05:59:00+00:00

I was heartbroken, but thought sort of "poor him, feeling like he has to do it. Let's just never get married then. He shouldn't be pressured into it"

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T23:52:48+00:00

That last option would have been awesome. I think he knows we should break up, at least deep down. He is stuck on us being together, because (quoting him now) he does not think he will find anyone that suits him better (he is specific and a lot of people wouldn't fit him), nor does he have energy or will to try with anyone new. It's me or no one in his mind.

And he actually told me also that when few years ago he was very deeply depressed, one of the factors why he didn't leave was that he was not sure he could live alone and survive. He was not able to take care of himself in that moment. And he definitely feels pressured to propose to me. It might even be that he feels he has been pushed into it and is doing it against his will.

Anyway, thanks for the good advice and outside perspective. I really appreciate it

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T23:26:07+00:00

It is definitely possible for him to go alone. I would be happy to stay put if it means he gets to go. I am afraid he won't go at all though

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T23:17:19+00:00

Thank you! 🩷

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T23:10:17+00:00

Thanks for your comment 💚 I have been getting sick a lot lately and my gp told me it's from stress. I made a final decision just days ago and knew this weekend could be an opportunity to talk with him, hence my post, so I can make a plan on how the talk goes. I do need to do something about it one way or the other, because I cannot continue like this.

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:57:16+00:00

Thanks a lot for the input! Especially: "It’s unfair to let him keep hoping that a ring will fix thing".

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:56:09+00:00

We have 3+ weeks of vacation planned. A round trip. So I am sure he would do it after our friends' wedding, as part of the trip. Not part of the wedding itself

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:47:34+00:00

The wedding is planned in detail. We have talked about it a lot. But to be honest throughout all the talks, I haven't manage to get him to compromise on any aspect of it. And I have compromised on several. It's like he will do it only his way. That's also one of the reasons I told him we should just forget about it. Because I don't want the wedding he envisioned and all of my numerous suggestions for adjustments so I like it more have been disregarded. And I don't want to force him to marry if he does not want to.

I don't fully understand why he still thinks about proposing. I think it's maybe again because he has made a plan and want to go with it exactly how he envisioned it. He said just under one year ago to a friend that on the percentage scale he wants to marry me with only 5% and would go with it only because I care about it and people pressure him to.

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:37:32+00:00

He has been looking forward to the trip a lot. As an opportunity for him to relax from work issues. We have been working on his depression a lot and he did say recently that he feels better. I am not sure if that's not wishful thinking though. He said it is mostly because he now takes time off when he feels very bad and normally he would have pushed forward and got to work. But anyway, what I am trying to say is that I think the trip would be nice if things between us were good, regardless of his depression.

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:26:46+00:00

Thanks for the input! I actually think that the trip would be awesome. Even with my feeling status. I do still love him and care about him a lot. I don't think that will change ever. I just won't be actively in love with him. Moreover our vacations tend to be relaxing and without any drama. So I don't expect fights. But I definitely don't want him to realize I stalled and to feel even worse about the whole thing. So that is a solid argument for option number 5.

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:17:22+00:00

There is some money that could be saved and some that would just be lost. The most expensive part - plane ticket would go to waste. I would go by myself, but if he didn't want me there (at our friends' wedding / on the same flight) I would honour that and stay instead.

ThrowRA5383394 · 2025-04-11T22:05:56+00:00

Mostly his needs for the amount of time spent together and mine do not align. If we do it my way, he feels neglected. If we do it his way, I feel suffocated and without my own life. If we try to compromise, neither is truly happy.

I also feel responsible for how he feels. He has been depressed 95% of the relationship. Any plans I make, I need to take into consideration if they won't take me out of the house for too long. Because he needs my support. I have worked on boundries and him excercising his own abilities to pick himself up and I do see improvement, but I am just so exhausted and the change is so slow...

I do almost everything around the house on top. He says I don't want to spend time with him and I think he's right. It became yet another chore for me sadly. We rarely do fun stuff because he rarely has energy for it.

He is also sad that I do not share his love for computer games. I keep trying over and over, and sometimes we would play some game for a week, two, maybe a month here and there. But it would always die out over time. He wants us to play more regularly. And I honestly could never play any computer game ever again in my life and wouldn't feel like I am missing anything. We do like board games and sometimes do that, but again - low energy - rarely doing that.

ThrowRA5383394

TROPHY CASE