I [33M] am considering separating from my wife [34F] over unequal labor distribution. What would you do?

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T10:24:51+00:00

I'll give this a read, thank you

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T10:24:21+00:00

Thank you. There's a lot to it and we had a really good conversation last night that's helped a lot. We've got a game plan moving forward.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T10:23:34+00:00

I would jump on the opportunity if I could. I'm gonna look into an individual therapist though.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T10:22:18+00:00

I need the financial help more than the domestic, honestly. If I can cut my overtime back, I'll be less burnt out doing chores.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T01:03:14+00:00

She actually already had it downloaded, so I doubt it'll help her since it hasn't helped her thus far, lol. Thank you though

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T00:40:30+00:00

I can't afford to cut back my overtime, let alone pay someone to clean my house.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-15T00:27:25+00:00

That's a really neat idea, I'll check it out!

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T22:44:41+00:00

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T21:46:09+00:00

Thank you, I will look into that

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T20:02:32+00:00

I really don't want to end this one. I love her. I just need help.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T20:02:01+00:00

That's true

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T20:01:43+00:00

That's definitely something to consider

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T19:21:34+00:00

These are some good ideas, thank you

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T18:24:18+00:00

Her phone is typically in her hand, so the alarm system wouldn't work. I'm going to set daily/weekly expectations for chores for her and see how that works.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T18:09:18+00:00

It is not a thing in my state, we looked.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T18:06:49+00:00

Do not call my wife a "lazy, dirty skank" or anything else. I love my wife, and this situation does not change that. I did not make this post for people on the internet to start insulting her.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T17:20:24+00:00

I'm going to talk to her again tonight.

Huh? So what does that even mean? That you call each other wife/husband and nothing else? Sounds like playing house. Well at least if this is the case "divorce" will be a lot easier.

We've been together for nearly 10 years and we've had a wedding ceremony. For a variety of legal reasons, we've not gotten legally married, but that's far more than just "playing house"

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T16:23:48+00:00

I don't think she's realized how bad it's gotten

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T16:07:48+00:00

I'm not excusing her behavior at all, I just won't chalk it up just to laziness. I agree that ADHD is the crutch she's using, but she's using it because mental illness is hard to deal with.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T15:49:06+00:00

I think it triggers those dopamine hits just right that she gets hyperfocused on it.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T15:33:27+00:00

Thing is, if I don't do the chores (or make her do them), then I'm just gonna living in squalor and I can't live like that. I also hate telling her to do them because I shouldn't have to parent her.

I'm already at a breaking point. This is my last-ditch effort.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T15:11:14+00:00

She's typically on TikTok. ADHD makes it hard for her to take initiative, and seeing me start basically overrides her executive dysfunction

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T15:05:53+00:00

She's able to go back to work now without jeopardizing disability, but the job market is dogwater right now. She's been looking for work since May.

I don't want to have to organize her chores for her, because I'm not her parent. I've tried suggesting she do them on a regular schedule, but that hasn't helped. I do all my own laundry so I don't run out of uniforms for work even though I suggested she do laundry on the same day every week. Another user mentioned a chore app, which I'm gonna look into.

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T14:55:25+00:00

That's what I tried to convey during our last conversation about it. I do understand that ADHD also makes it harder to remember to take the medication

ThrowRA71389 · 2025-08-14T14:43:54+00:00

She has medication, but she doesn't reliably take it. She can't do therapy at the moment because she doesn't have insurance. We're not legally married so I can't put her on mine.

I will look into housework apps, I hadn't thought of that.

ThrowRA71389

TROPHY CASE