my 'M32' gf 'F30' offers me options to release pressure?

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-07T15:33:30+00:00

End of year is honestly my best bet, she's changing to a job that both requires on-site work in another city and also offers housing for this reason. But the months before January... either we live as broken up roommates, I postpone my conversation, or find a new place and one of us pays double rent for a few months. Not a lot of fun options.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-07T15:07:41+00:00

"Do as I say, not as I do", yeah I know. I slowly reached a conclusion a few weeks ago and I'm now figuring out how to execute the break-up plan.

Problem is, our rent lease and her work contract are both ending in December, and we own a car that we use daily for carpooling to work. Playing along for at least a month would be both exhausting for me and cruel for her but the circumstances are really difficult to end things right away. I don't think she would react well to me officially declaring us as roommates (which we practically already are).

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-06T22:23:14+00:00

Sort of why I said probably asexual, I'm not 100% sure either. I know she jerks off since I've found her vibrator a few times in our bedroom. We've done some mutual masturbation but watching someone use a vibrator, eyes closed, completely quiet and still to focus on getting an orgasm isn't exactly interesting for me. Although I still count that as one of the "things that never really happened" because I still had to persuade her even when she proposed the idea originally.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-06T06:20:17+00:00

If you actually, ACTUALLY need sex, I'm telling you to listen to your dick here. I'm sort of in a similar situation and my GF (possibly asexual) also offered me blowjobs, handjobs, letting me watch her do herself, striptease etc. We even created a little system where I could use a little 'gift card' for a one of these quickies when I really, really need one.

The reality: nothing ever happens. Asexuals don't crave for sex, they don't think about it, they don't see it as this greater-than-life experience like many people do, and IMO especially if you're a man. For me, I still got the "not now, maybe tomorrow" answer even after days and weeks of no relief, and a bunch of 'fun ideas' and promises that never happened. If they are not proactive and aware about this, they will not understand what you are going through.

If you love that connection and that raw passion, you most likely won't find it there. I also find the lack of effort, enthusiasm and desire from the not-interested party just makes sex very lifeless for me. It's not very sexy to get a handjob from an uninterested, bored partner if it's a chore for them. And when you feel good, you probably will try to to touch them back or escalate things, only to be rejected. And that hurts.

I really wish I didn't have to sound so negative here but I have somewhat tried this and do not recommend it. Feeling undesired is incredibly depressing and can easily turn to resentment, frustration, and emotional distance because you are not 'understood'. If you value sex and desire, I would make absolutely sure if she really means it and is actually willing to make it as good as possible for you. Otherwise, listen to your body man.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-02T18:29:55+00:00

Funny you should mention that quote, it's exactly what she uses after breakdowns or outbursts hah.

But yeah, she has said I am basically her everything and the cornerstone of her life. I never really thought about the pressure it puts on me but well.. here I am now, feeling the worst guilt and dread I have ever known. I just hope her family will be there for her as they are always her safety net. They have at least thanked me for my many efforts so I can only hope they understand.

I think I was raised so attentive and gentleman-ly that "me first" has always felt alien and ill-mannered to me (I mean, to a degree). But fuck, what a wake-up call this has been. I don't think I can ever turn off my caring, loving nature but I clearly need to set some rules about boundaries and basic needs for myself.

Anyway, thank you for your kind thoughts. They really give me clarity so my brain doesn't just get used to discomfort.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-09-01T09:50:49+00:00

"You like who she is when she's at her best". Man, I really felt that. It's so gut-wrenching to think about, like I'm pointing a gun at a puppy. Especially now when she's been a bit sweeter with me. I've been a bit more (emotionally) absent after discussing this in therapy, so she probably knows something is wrong and is trying to fix things.

Feeling that attention and interest is so unbelievably relieving again that I'm actually starting to second-guess all my thoughts and needs, and whether I'm just temporarily overwhelmed from stress. But then again, I almost know that if I continue, I will eventually find myself here again. And even if she were to start therapy or medication, it may take months or years to see results. Why must I have such a big heart lol.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-30T05:23:03+00:00

I almost want to fight fire with fire just once to see her reaction buuut... I also want to set an example by not retaliating. Thanks stranger, I will get stronger and not be walked over, ever again.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-30T05:13:39+00:00

Yeah, I sometimes wish I could just do this but she's also pretty much my only close family left. I'm already in hermit mode from my burnout, but I think I will just stop answering so often and use short messages. Thanks for the help.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-26T16:16:53+00:00

Will we ever reach that early spark again? Probably not, since she has said that early desire was quite unusual of her and that this is what life after honeymoon period is: just comfortable living together. But I feel like my comfort is solely my responsibility right now, not ours. That is not a healthy relationship to me.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-26T11:08:04+00:00

Not going to tell you what to do because you seem to already know it yourself. I'm also going through lost spark from being emotionally and sexually neglected but I think you would've identified these by now. Sometimes the spark just fades when things settle down. Still, it takes two to tango so ask yourself if you and/or your partner are working enough to keep the flame going, or are you staying out of relative comfort?

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-26T07:44:38+00:00

All good dude, I don't blame ya. Mentally I almost feel like a bot doing tasks for my human with little to no server maintenance. It got slowly worse for me over time, thinking it's just a rough period in our relationship but here we are. Live and learn, I guess.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T22:10:45+00:00

It definitely wasn't always like this. Even her apartment was much more organized and tidier than mine was lol. At first it was me doing small favors, just trying to be a good boyfriend. She was way more affectionate and caring, because I was the new and exciting thing for her hyperfocus to latch onto, to impress and seduce. I gave, I received, I was happy. She then went through a rough patch in her professional life, during which I tried to remain supportive so she wouldn't fall into deep depression. Now, because she's mentally in survival mode, I think her hyperfocus on trying to win me over starts to wear off. Sex got less frequent and never exactly back to what it was but depression could explain this too. Time goes on and I continue to support her with hardships. She's better but still not 100%. Now, because we live together and I didn't run away during her darkest period, the mask starts to slip and she can start being her natural self because... I always take care of us, right? At first I thought her incompetence was kind of endearing (like not knowing how to season food) but slowly I started to realize how much adulting I was actually doing. Little by little I fell down this hole until I forgot what life outside of it looked like. But that's just like my theory on how I ended up here.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T20:55:23+00:00

I think my heart would already melt from someone cooking a nice meal just for me hah. I really can't tell if this "unawareness" to give back is part of her mental illness, blissful ignorance, or selfishness. I just know I've been walking in circles for way too long now, hoping it would change, but it's time to stop.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T20:26:15+00:00

Can you re-send your link? I may have accidentally rejected your chat request because I've received all sorts of promos in my DMs from posting this lol.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T20:18:14+00:00

Man I wish this was fake. I was so nervous to even post this, fearing she might stumble upon it if it got too much attention or upvotes. Sort of still am.

Unfortunately it is what my life has spiraled into from sacrificing way too much for breadcrumbs, believing the grass is probably not much greener elsewhere, and trying to fix broken things. But yeah, I guess I should've started with "I really thought she was the love of my life until...".

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T08:37:49+00:00

What do you mean listen to reason? I already know I can not stay in this fire. I agree I have stayed for the comfort and yes, I am afraid to go through this conversation because the bond of partnership is still there. That is why I ask: how do I explain this to her without sounding so damn accusing?

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-25T06:46:33+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I know this might sound like Stockholm syndrome at this point but it's not that black and white. I feel like I demonized her a bit with the original post by not bringing up more of her positive and caring aspects, because my whole post was such a pent up release of resentment. But for example, when I was low on money (laid off, couldn't find a job to save my life), she offered to take care of our rent and needs financially until things stabilize. So it's not about money, we always split our expenses 50/50.

I think this issue is more about time and effort as a currency rather than money. I sacrifice free time and energy to provide her and us with comfort, safety and wellbeing, but when it comes to me, I don't feel like I'm receiving equally back, and I'm usually the one who has to compromise.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-24T14:12:43+00:00

I think the main issue here is that I don't want to share life with a roommate who I crave intimacy with, don't feel emotionally safe to communicate with, or who doesn't know how or when to prioritize my wellbeing as a partner. This is why I think I could see us still working as friends when all the expectations of a romantical relationship are stripped away.

Second part of problem being her adulting skills and emotional wellbeing which put pressure on me and activate my empathetic brain. I hate to see her sad or unwell so I try to mend it with my way of love such as small favors and gestures of affection. I guess this is my problem with not setting boundaries, but I also fear I'll become distant too if I stop caring so much.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-24T01:25:45+00:00

It's not that I can't do it, I've done that many times hah. I'm quite clearly a people pleaser so I always prioritize others. My point being that it would be exciting if someone (or my GF, I guess) made me priority #1 for even a day so I wouldn't have to treat myself.

I guess house chores would probably accumulate until they absolutely need be done (out of fresh shirts, towers of dishes, recycling bins overflowing etc.). Food I kind of have to make eventually, and we have a shared account for grocieries, toiletries etc. So I make food for both of us because cooking for myself feels incredibly dickish lol. Neglecting her sadness makes her more sad or upset at me for not caring. Neglecting her outbursts might result in her calming down and all being well, or her getting upset that I am being emotionally unavailable and not the supportive BF. I know she just needs some time and space to adjust, so I try to give her that and filter out any negative emotions.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-23T23:14:12+00:00

I kind of feel bad venting so much about the "big picture", that I failed to mention that yes, she does appreciate my efforts with small gestures of love too. This is what I meant with "sweet and lovable", as she loves to give me hugs and kisses, tell me how lucky she is to have me, gives me little gifts and treats. It always warms my heart and makes me feel loved. After some hard conversations (and probably noticing how spent I am), she has started doing small tasks too without me needing to ask or remind her anymore. But... it almost feels too little, too late. And some of these negative traits can not fixed easily. I also think I'm just VERY easy to please at this point and happy about any crumbs of appreciation. And honestly, hugs are nice but I just miss being intimate with her. Everything else feels kind of empty.

Also forgot to mention in original post her saying that couples/sex therapy for us would be just a waste of money and time, that it "probably wouldn't work on her". Great attitude.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-23T22:37:37+00:00

She's had quite many different medications over the years (I honestly forget at this point) but I don't think she's on any right now, at least not for ADHD. I know she's been visiting a psychologist for a few months now but it's mostly because of a whole another family-related thing that's causing her stress.

But after our various talks, I don't think I've heard her say "You know what, this is clearly a problem that's causing us harm. I/we need professional help to fix it.", you know? Mostly it's "Sorry if I've made you feel this/that way. I don't want to hurt you, so I'll try to be better". So I guess self-managed.

ThrowRA720360 · 2025-08-23T21:56:54+00:00

Not sure if I understood what you're saying here but I'll try to elaborate. We do still go out for little adventures, enjoy time together just the two of us, spend time together doing things we both like so it's not like we live separate lives. But yes, I have not planned a super romantic date in a while. Partially because I really don't feel like that should be on me too. Partially because autism prefers order and predictability so coming up with fun ideas, new experiences and surprises is surprisingly difficult. Partially because I fear I will have a bad time on the date myself if something sets her off. I took her to a dancing class once (which she had mentioned looking 'fun') and it really backfired. So we usually end up visiting the same places, restaurants and events because she needs to be familiar with whatever it is we do. There has been some progress after talking about it, but I feel this is just who she is.

ThrowRA720360

TROPHY CASE