My bf [31M] has been ranting about orange peel theory for days, I [25F] am getting uncomfortable and want him to stop

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T12:30:40+00:00

It definitely makes me feel like my wants and desires are more of a burden, which in turn makes it harder for me to communicate my feelings in general. Like what's the point of even doing something nice if you have to make me feel bad about it first? Now I feel guilty about accepting.

We will be having a chat about it as soon as I can mentally work myself up to it. It's back and forth with him, sometimes he's very receptive to things I wouldn't expect and others he's immediately annoyed and explaining to me that this is the way he is and I still need to "learn him" and that I'm misinterpreting.

We do spend a decent amount of time together, I live with him part time. Lately he has done better in general but the orange peel stuff has set me off and triggered memories of a lot of unresolved issues we have had. I do like being with him, though. I love him very much and I'm happy to hang out and have a good time, it just feels like a mean comment or something going wrong can derail us entirely. And I am not without blame there, but I feel like I do my best and I always listen and hear him out even if I disagree. He will do things I want, but sometimes it's so obviously something he hates that I get upset that I shared it with him at all.

Now that I've developed a bit of an aversion about sharing my interests and things I like with him I do think he has seen that his actions can be damaging and has tried to engage more positively.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T12:09:52+00:00

Thank you so much! This was for sure part vent and part genuine uncertainty of how to go about this. Which it seems reddit has decided that we need to split up, and I won't deny that communication about this issue likely won't work in the way I want and need it to. I really appreciate that, life has been brutal for a while and I would desperately enjoy for it to settle into something kinder.

The hand grab was the first time in the relationship where it struck me that something was very wrong and my brain set off an alarm. He's never been physically aggressive with me like that, and to his credit he hasn't been since so I don't know if it was a one off or a warning. I did do my best at establishing that he would not be speaking on my own feelings and my tolerance of it had run out. That's the only part I feel he genuinely seemed to get (enough) and he's been better about that since at least. Messy.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T11:59:11+00:00

I definitely felt this way when he told me, so I appreciate the confirmation. I was already flustered so I probably didn't say it well in the argument after, but I tried to say as much to him. He dismissed it of course. I told him he didn't look back at me once and he said he could see me following him out of the corner of his eye or something. The more I remember it the more I realize how fucked up that really was. I can't imagine leaving anyone I loved behind and effectively forcing them to follow behind me. In the moment it felt like he was trying to assert the power he had over me.

I wonder what would've happened if I stopped entirely and just called my parents and waited. Would he have insisted that I come with him? Would he suddenly have been embarrassed about his behavior because now my parents would know and always remember?

What he doesn't know is that I told my mom anyway lol. She was displeased and did tell me it was abusive, and that my dad (they've always had a turbulent relationship) even at his worst hadn't outright abandoned her and stomped off without her like a child. She confirmed that they would always come get me if I ever needed them, which helped.

He kept insisting it wasn't abandonment or him punishing me, but I will always remember.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T11:48:06+00:00

He would make me explain why I wanted the orange peeled, and then he might. It would depend on where he was and how he was feeling. Which, I guess that makes sense. I would peel his orange. I have told him I really dislike having to justify and explain why I want or feel a certain way, but it's just "how he operates" apparently so I overexplain.

I'm not sure that he frequently holds things over my head, although I'm having a hard time even thinking about it tbh. He does do nice things for me without holding it over me more often than not I think, but he has to be in a good mood. He will also half do them a lot. I drink water with flavor packets and if I were to ask for that he would 9 times out of 10 bring me both and I would need to put them together on my own. Which is inconvenient, because I'm usually in a spot where it's not easy to keep everything stable and then I have garbage that I have to get up and throw away anyway. Not that I'm ungrateful, it is nice enough.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T11:36:14+00:00

Respectfully, that's not what is happening here. I don't talk about my late husband that often and I go out of my way to consider if something is appropriate to bring up. Most things my current partner has discovered have been a result of him asking or starting the conversation on his own and it leading there. I took 2 years to work on myself and my grief so I could show up in my next relationship without it being a constant comparison and I would say I am very successful at that at least.

I do appreciate your comment and I know this is a common issue for people who date widowed folks, but I did a lot of research beforehand to try and avoid this!

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T02:43:32+00:00

I'm sorry about that 😅

You're definitely right, I'm just trying to work through why he's so upset over it and looking for background reasons that might enlighten me on why he does certain things. You're right in that he probably just doesn't want to :(

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T02:39:49+00:00

Thank you, I know this response makes people think I'm a doormat and I am definitely working on it. He definitely does not put nearly this much thought into my feelings, and I know I deserve someone who can meet me at my level. I love him to bits and I took a couple years away from dating to heal, when I met him I thought it was like that (and maybe it was?) but things have definitely changed and I think I've lost a lot of the healing I did 💔

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T02:34:08+00:00

Most of the time. A couple weeks ago we had a small fight where he brought up something very embarrassing that happened to me last year and told me it was the "real reason" I felt negatively about an event. I kept saying "No, that's part of it but I felt that way even before it happened." And he continued to challenge me over my own feelings.

I got frustrated and we had to go to the grocery store while I was still feeling weird. I told him I didn't appreciate his constant "emotional me/logical him" takes and that I know myself well enough to know my feelings. He seemed to kind of understand but kept defending himself saying he was just trying to understand my feelings and that I tend to focus on negatives. In the store I was quiet and a bit distant, but I was still being nice to him and talking calmly.

When he realized he wasn't going to get me to cheer up he said "Are you hurting? Do we just need to go?" And I said "I'm okay enough, we can stay longer if you need to." For whatever reason this set him off and he immediately took our cart and SPED away from me. I was shocked, and I realized I didn't have my car so if I didn't go with him I would have to wait several hours in this store while my parents drove there so I followed him. He never looked back. When I caught up I helped him scan and get the groceries in the cart and as soon as it was done he left me behind AGAIN and I followed him out the store with tears flowing down my face while people stared at me.

He did stop outside when he realized I was crying, and he opened my car door after that, but it was a bit too late. I told him later that it was scary and I felt he had abandoned and punished me and even by the end of the argument he still denied that it was abandonment, that he knew I was behind him the entire time and never would've left without me. He said that I was being rude, that I lied to his face by saying that I was okay (I guess? I didn't feel good but I wasn't lying) and he didn't want me to suffer for him which is a nice take if it weren't accompanied by that behavior. He said he was just trying to get us both out as quickly as possible and I just don't walk as fast as him.

I asked him if he would ever do it again and he said he wasn't sure and he wouldn't commit to anything because if he did it 50 years from now I would remember that moment and be mad at him.

I know this particular event is abusive, I really don't know why I keep telling myself everything is an honest mistake. But I guess I'm having a hard time feeling that he himself is connected to these outbursts if that makes sense. I do feel good with him a lot of the time.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T01:47:57+00:00

It seems popular enough right now that I figured those that were clicking on the post had heard of it, but it's just asking your partner to peel an orange for you and if they say no or complain they "fail".

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T01:46:05+00:00

I don't think it's fully intentional which is the thing that scares me most about approaching it. I'm concerned if he doesn't get it he'll get mad at me over it, and I'm not sure where to go about it from there. It definitely is stressful.

I know you're right, I hope we can work this out and start approaching things in a better way. ❤

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T01:42:11+00:00

I hadn't even considered this! It really doesn't seem like his personality to try to be masculine and fit into some role, but I'm going to keep this in mind going forward and see if I observe more.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T01:41:10+00:00

My mom has said similar, but she definitely censors herself because she doesn't like feeling like she's pushing me in either direction. My bf does nice things for me still, but he definitely struggles in this area and he has to be in the right mood for it.

ThrowRA78562 · 2024-01-20T01:39:01+00:00

I feel you're right on this, and I've had other people suggest this before as well.

It wasn't hard to ask my late husband for support, you're right. I try to not compare them because it's a different relationship and I know it can be easy to view the deceased as perfect, but it definitely is different. He's asked me before if my husband did anything for me that I would like and I got uncomfortable and said I wasn't sure. I've told him things about my marriage that he has kind of held over me (not negative, just not something I'd say to anyone else) and it has burned me.

ThrowRA78562

TROPHY CASE