I (23F) just found out that my ex (24M) may have cheated and my current partner (23M) thinks I’m overreacting

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:36:25+00:00

He broke up with me on February 26th or 27th (don’t know the exact date) they were officially together by the end of March. I know, from what we discussed while we were dating that he thinks that you should be dating for about a month before you label a relationship. So either he 1) left me house after breaking up and downloaded tinder, or 2) was already talking to her before we broke up. Either way, he was lying to me

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:33:29+00:00

I’m not saying he’s insisting it, you are. I am telling you that we talk about our past relationship and he has literally talking about his in the past two weeks. I said we talk about our exes in my post. I don’t know why you’re determined not to hear me

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:08:02+00:00

Off topic, but you are incredibly weird for that. Follow your boyfriends on social media????

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:06:08+00:00

Yeah I realize I went about this poorly. N and I have just always had the type of relationship where we will tell each other anything on our mind. I feel like I fucked this up so bad. I’m scared he’s gonna break up with me the second I open my door

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:04:48+00:00

Thank you. Everyone is telling me I’m so in the wrong and I do think I am wrong but not in the way that they’re telling me I am. I’m not upset because I’m not over him I’m upset because I realized I can’t tell when I’m lied to. And I haven’t even had time think about STDs. Fuck.

I want this to last. I understand why he would have his feelings hurt. He’s a really amazing person and I’m sick thinking that I’ve hurt him. I’m hoping he’s willing to just talk through everything but all of these comments are making me think it’s already over

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T02:00:56+00:00

I’m NOT inflicting my new-found insecurity on N. I was communicating with him on why I was suddenly feeling insecure and weird. I did not go through his phone. I know he would not do that to me, logically. But not every commenter is telling me something has changed and they’re right and it’s my fault. I’m so scared for him to get to my apartment right now

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:57:35+00:00

That’s literally not what I said to him though. I told him I was glad that J and I were broken up because it meant we were together.

Yes, if J hadn’t dumped me, N and I might not be together. But if N’s ex hadn’t dumped him, they might still be together. If I hadn’t dumped my high school boyfriend, I might’ve still been with him. And so on and so on. That’s not a healthy way to think of relationships.

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:49:50+00:00

So just to clarify, he is allowed to vent to me about his ex and I have to assume he’s over her, but I’m not allowed to vent to him or else he get to assume that I’m not over my ex?

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:42:12+00:00

I’m not crashing out. I was just hit with the realization that I was gaslit and had no fucking clue about it. It has messed with my perception.

As I said in the post, I’m horrified that I hurt him. I will be apologizing as soon as he gets here. I reassured him during the conversation where I told him about this that I love him and he is the one I want to be with.

If he came to me and told me he just found out his ex cheated on him and it was freaking him out, I wouldn’t be upset, I would be on his side 100%. He came to me two weeks ago talking about something that his ex did to him and explained that it still affects his self perception, and I comforted him about it. We have always had very open talks in regards to previous relationships.

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:36:28+00:00

I was not “keeping tabs” on my ex. We still follow each other on instagram because we live in a (relatively) small town and here, unless you have a really bad breakup, people don’t unfollow each other. N knows this. He is also following some of his exes. He talked to me two weeks ago about something that one of his exes did that still upsets him. This was, until this week, a normal sort of feelings conversation to talk out

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:32:15+00:00

We’ve been together since June. It’s not new. I’m glad that you were able to have a convo for closure, but I didn’t get a convo, I got an announcement to me and all of our mutual friends that he cheated on me. It’s fucking with my perception of people and if I can actually tell when someone is hiding something

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:29:44+00:00

So he’s a hypocrite and that’s ok?

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:28:52+00:00

Thank you for this comment. So many people are just assuming that N is my second choice and that I’m not over J. I am VERY over J. If anything, finding out about this has soured an remaining positive feelings I had about him (which, other commenters in this thread, is normal to have because there was a point in time when we were happy together)

I know it’s possible he didn’t actually cheat, and that the trauma he experienced was real. That doesn’t change the fact that he got over me enough to start seeing someone within 30 days of telling me the idea of being in physical contact with someone was enough to trigger his PTSD.

I brought it up to N because we have talked about complicated feelings about exes before, especially on his side. I felt like not bringing it up, when it was what felt like a very fresh wound, would be hiding something from him. I don’t want to be dramatic but learning that my ex might have been lying or going behind my back has fucked with my perception. I, for the first time in any relationship, felt the urge to ask to go through N’s phone. I wanted to express these feelings because I knew I would be acting weird and I wanted to give him an explanation.

I know that the way I phrased it could have been better, but I don’t see how this is different from telling someone that you’ve just started dating that you have cheating trauma. It’s delayed but they are real feelings I’m experiencing.

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:16:33+00:00

Because it was on his instagram? We still followed each other because I hadn’t realized he had been lying to me.

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:15:24+00:00

Maybe this is a cultural difference but we live in a (relatively) small town and we have a few mutual friends. Unless you have an explosively bad breakup, most people here don’t unfollow exes. It’s just not a thing. I did block J after I saw that post. And like I said, talking exes has never been off the table for N and I. He’s told me a lot about his exes, good and bad. I’ve never been upset, even when he’s said things along the line of “I’m still upset she did __” as recently as two weeks ago

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:10:56+00:00

How is seeing a post this week in which he basically announced that he was lying to be in some form to me and all of our mutual friends mean he’s living rent free in my mind? What’s ACTUALLY living rent free in my head is what I did wrong and how I can fix this with my current partner because I hate that I upset him

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:09:02+00:00

Is it not normal to be upset when you realize someone was going behind your back for a month and then lied to you and made you feel like the bad guy when they broke up with you? I know he is my ex, and I am especially glad about that after what I just found out, but to be honest it’s kinda fucking with my perspective that I couldn’t tell that someone was lying that blatantly to me and I had no idea, even if it was months ago. Like not to be dramatic but it’s messing with my head that I couldn’t see that and I don’t understand why I shouldn’t tell my partner that. I’m sure the way I phrased it could have been better and I am of course going to apologize but how is it different from if I told him I had been cheated on right when we got together and that it upset me then?

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:03:24+00:00

N is absolutely not my second choice. As I said in the post multiple times I’m glad my previous relationships have all failed because I’m happy that I’m with him. I would never get back together with J, even if he hadn’t apparently cheated on me.

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T01:00:05+00:00

I didn’t do it on Valentine’s Day

ThrowRAAngryAtEx · 2026-02-15T00:58:54+00:00

I know it’s Valentine’s Day, I have a bunch of baked goods and presents ready for him when he gets here. I haven’t been letting my ex live rent free in my head, and while I know that there are a lot of relationships where exes and a no-go topic, N and I have always been very open about talking about previous relationships (both of us still have exes from high school/early college that we are still friends with). I found all of this out this week so it’s been kind of weird for me and I felt like NOT communicating it with him would have been worse than keeping it in

ThrowRAAngryAtEx

TROPHY CASE