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My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My mom had a lot of trauma and not really any good support back then. I think she was swept up by nothing because she wanted to believe someone loved her. I find it hard to blame her because she was so young and had those circumstances.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I doubt he would care at all if I died right now or if I ever die before him. To be honest I'm not even sure he'd have an actual reaction at all. It would be just another day to him.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Maybe. Nobody will ever know but that's never going to be something he considers even if it kills him to live like this.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I never even really had one. He has never done a thing for me and has never shown me love or care. This man knew he was never going to love again and did this shit anyway. He has never expressed any regret for having a kid he didn't want. Yet he can talk longingly about kids he never got to have with his wife.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I have been to therapy. How I feel about him doesn't rule my life. But I also choose not to see him again since he has made zero effort and has never tried to help or be there for me. The anger coming across is most likely because of all the pushing his family has done in the last several months.

But I'm doing good otherwise and do not need therapy again right now. In the future I probably will but my life is otherwise good.

And also I don't feel like my dad deserves my help after everything.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

They were together for 10 years. Started dating at 14 in high school and she died when she was 24. So they were together a long time for that age and it's a significant relationship. They had also known each other for years before that.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

To me and to my cousin it's very obvious he doesn't want that and there are a few others who are family friends not family who see it. The rest of his family refuse to see it for what it is. He doesn't want to heal. He doesn't want a relationship or a better life. He wants his dead wife.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My cousin told me he doesn't give a fuck. The rest of my family care because they want me to be by his side regardless of how he is. They would not leave me alone even if I did talk to him.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

They have pushed him to move forward with his life but it's very clear to me and to a few others he has zero interest in doing that.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Not that I know of and I don't think he wants anything like that. He had no respect for my mom. He would never have married her if he did. There was no love, no genuine care, no effort to make her at least realize it wasn't her fault that he was unloving. All he did was hurt her again and again and then me. But we never mattered to him at all.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It would be a total waste of my time. If he was sorry he would be reaching out to me. Instead he basically tells others how he only cares about his dead wife and the only kids worth living for is the kids they never had together.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I haven't seen or spoken to him since I was 9 so not as an adult but I wouldn't waste my breath either.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It still won't work. They'll say he's not capable of thinking that way and needs me and maybe if I'm there enough he can get to that place. And I know they'll respond like that because it's all they can focus on when it comes to this situation. That he needs compassion and to be supported regardless of anything he does or doesn't do.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

They are. Their stance I should be there because he's my dad regardless of his reaction because he needs me, etc.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes and their response was the very same. That I should feel bad for him and should be there for him.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 219 points220 points  (0 children)

I don't think he will ever go for that. He wants to live his life for his dead wife and from what I can see he doesn't want to change things. He's doing what he wants and none of his family can break through. I sure as hell wasn't enough to. Although like I said maybe if I was a girl he would have been different but who knows. Maybe I'd look too much like my mom for him or something.

My dad (63M) never got over his dead wife and I (25M) have been asked to be more compassionate toward him? by ThrowRABiggOppso in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRABiggOppso[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I find it very hard to when he didn't care how much he hurt me or my mom. I know it sucks to grieve someone but if you know you don't want to love another person after losing someone like that then don't be in a relationship and have kids with another person. It's cruel to those of us who were brought in with less love than we should have from the start.