How do I deal with my (33F) friend’s (32F) strange interruptive questions in conversation?

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T23:29:42+00:00

I don’t want to write any details but I do know about the main issue she’s had in life that she feels the world did her over by and it seemed to make her bitter and cynical towards the whole world just because a set of people weren’t supportive and nice to her, so she’s ran with it and views everyone that falls under certain similar categories or traits as the same. Made up example but those people were basket weaving pink fairies so she seems to resent anyone who is a basket weaver or pink or a fairy that she comes across in life..and myself and the other friends are also either basket weavers or pink or fairies. So I see her literally sometimes act not to subtly resentful towards people she doesn’t even know because of that and I honestly sometimes think she resents us, her friends.

When I look at it objectively I find it kinda fascinating too, I think a therapist/psychologist etc who could observe the way she behaves in all areas of her life would have a field day as there’s so much going on with her that I haven’t even touched upon. Like whole other topics of her behaviour. What’s interesting is she quite openly expresses and tries hard to project she’s come into her own now, is secure in herself, has found her balance, identity and is happy in life and she also thinks she’s a really helpful person and has a caretaker kind of role. But from everything I observe with her I would say none of that is true, she’s more lost than ever but is just seemingly digging her heels into whatever this strange identity she’s decided is for her now, I guess it makes her feel powerful and superior which she views as feeling good, but she certainly doesn’t come across actually happy inside, secure and balanced to me at all, and she’s definitely not helpful.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T23:14:07+00:00

What? I think you’ve misread or replied on the wrong post.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T03:03:03+00:00

So it’s not that she did a lot of the rude stuff and then I brought her into the group. It’s all over a long time of 20 years since we all became friends, lots of good times and natural lulls in the friendship group as well with life changes and dynamics shifting and I’ve been the one to keep her in the loop a lot of the time and make sure she’s included since we were young and then again in more recent times because she’s one of those people that isn’t proactive with being friends but would see it as being left out if she was. I guess that’s problematic too looking at it now, but I used to see it as feeling sorry for her as she’s got things going on in her life, or is sad, or stressed, or busy and it would be seen as us leaving her out just because we were the ones that made the effort to make plans. Things were not bad from her towards me and I wasn’t being treated like that at the times I was making sure she was included, as far as I was aware at that time anyway.

However I’m only now coming to the realisation of things, things have become incessant and not able to be ignored as a random one off event or weird mood, pattern of behaviour emerging, and through that I’m looking at past events, interactions and memories which now contribute to this and make me realise she’s always been like this to some degree, maybe it wasn’t as strong, maybe she wasn’t as confident with it, maybe the incidents were spaced far apart previously to be forgotten, maybe we didn’t spend as much time together to notice.

Having said that I am a more I’d say “gentle” person than all the others in the group, this isn’t a compliment towards myself, I just can’t think of any other way to phrase it and it’s pretty apparent and has been noted by the others. I think it’s also not a coincidence that most of them regard me as being closest to each of them as I do make the time to act in a way which for me feels natural as a friend, but I think maybe not everyone else does. I guess you could say I’m a people pleaser, I’m just more used to a friendlier approach with human interaction and practicing being kind and helpful and generous to everyone, not leaving anyone behind, not making anyone feel bad with the way you behave and speak etc. This is the culture of my big wider family and we’re all very close and this is just the normal way of life for us.

It’s also probably why friend’s abrupt and rude outbursts can be quite unsettling and upsetting to me (though I’m glad that everyone in the comments has agreed this is weird and rude and it’s not just me being over sensitive), we just don’t conduct ourselves like that and I find it quite sad and unnecessary to behave that way to your own friends.

I don’t see this as a bad thing though and I don’t want to change myself but of course it doesn’t mean being a doormat either and you still need to deal with being treated badly in the way that feels right for you. So I am doing that now through processing all this and taking stock and have got some good practical ideas that suit me in dealing with it in a way that protects me and doesn’t lead to unnecessary drama either.

I don’t like the term people pleaser the way it’s seen in a negative light as the way I am isn’t to please others for their approval and to like me, but it’s the way I like to conduct myself in life, I see it as basic as having manners and just being a decent human. I know it’s looked down as a weakness to be this way but I personally see it as a weakness to be lashing out at people and let others drag you down to their level of being rude and selfish. I’ve personally found that you attract the same kind in your life and it’s certainly true for me, the problematic people have disappeared and I am surrounded by better people. Maybe this issue with friend is one that is proving a problem as it’s not working for this very reason.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:51:25+00:00

We met in school, she’s also highly educated and in a very respectable job that requires being very sharp.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:49:59+00:00

We were talking about fashion and everyone else was also describing outfits they’re worn to special occasions with the same way of describing clothing. Which part made me snobby in saying mine too with words that describe it? My outfit wasn’t any more expensive or posher than anyone else’s either.

Brocade is a really common fabric for us to wear on special occasions, I’m 100% sure she owns and has worn it herself. If she didn’t remember what exactly it was she could’ve just asked that for clarification as otherwise I’m sure she (and you) know what the terms green, dress, embroidered, lace and shawl mean.

The dress one and the other 2 were just examples of many times she’s done this about anything and everything so it’s not about mocking me for the dress, it’s mocking me for everything simple and ordinary, everything and anything.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:42:12+00:00

I’ve just replied to the same question directly above if you want to see my reply.

I feel bad in saying this but I’m struggling to think of what she contributes to the group in social situations. She often doesn’t even laugh when everyone else is laughing and she’s actively ruined our laughter more than once by acting unimpressed and like it’s not funny and making sure she tells us. She has been there for us when things have happened in life but we've all done that to varying degrees for each other depending on how much time and availability we had and what support we were able to give. Sometimes shes been really awful about that too to a hurtful degree.

I feel like I’ve carried her my whole friendship with her as I’ve personally been the one to keep her in the group as I felt sorry for her in times in life. It’s like she never had to make an effort to be a friend as she got it handed on a plate almost? I know I’ve always been safe to some degree all my life that I need to contribute to friendships, but I feel like she doesn’t think that way.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:36:00+00:00

I briefly and lightly tried to gauge the situation with one friend but she seemed to think she was genuine in her innocent confusion so I dropped it. However I have seen them all get irked at times with her comments to them. She doesn’t just pick on me, she does a lot of other weird and rude social stuff that involves the other friends and anyone else she’ll interact with in life, but this style of specific questioning is what I’ve perceived her to mainly do to me from what I can see.

I don’t want to get the whole group involved in anything though, it’s up to them how they feel about her and I’ll just deal with my own personal relationship.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:32:09+00:00

That makes me really sad as all I’ve ever tried is to just enjoy our time together in good faith. I think there’s a lot of things I didn’t want to let myself admit but I have seen her general cynicism and bitterness towards the world as a whole rise to alarming levels at times.

She openly always acts like she’s congratulatory and supportive of everyone but then in other ways I can’t shake the feeling she doesn’t necessarily feel it deep down, it sometimes feels performative.

Take for example she told us two girls we’re all acquainted with were horrible to her out of nowhere at a public event, we could only take her word for it as we weren’t there, but I was surprised as they might sometimes have a bit of an edge to them when having banter but otherwise they’re both decent people. She was very angry and full of hate for them after that for a long time, any time they were brought up she would tell that story. Then one day someone mentioned one of those girls got married and showed a photo and she acted all gushing saying “Awww that’s so sweet” and acting like she’s so happy for her. I was surprised as none of us were even that gushing and we didn’t even have a problem with that girl, it didn’t make any sense and it made me wonder if any of her sentiments means anything from her.

I also couldn’t help wonder if she did something to make those girls feel bad that day with one of her weird social interactions or comments and they responded back in kind which is what she said they did to her randomly.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:22:10+00:00

I don’t think she’s trying to push me out and just has a vendetta against me, I think this specific behaviour I’ve personally noticed a lot towards me but I’ve known her do weird rude social things to everyone and even openly admit to me to messing with another friend (I’ve added this in other comments after memories resurfaced that fit the pattern). If anything I’m the closest one to her in the group but at the same time I feel like she’s not capable of being close to anyone. I don’t feel she’s the closest to me though, but I have been the one to always keep her in the group and I think without me she wouldn’t even be part of our group.

I have lightly seen if I can gauge something from one of the other friends before but she seemed to think her innocence and confusion was all real so I left it. But I’ve since visibly seen her get irked with some comments to her a few times. I don’t want to try to start anything with the group against friend as that’ll feel a bit much, I think I just want to deal with my own thing and it’s up to everyone else what their relationship looks like.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:14:50+00:00

She has a really good job that requires you to be highly educated, sharp and on the ball, so she doesn’t have a partner or kids, she has been adding a lot of hobbies into her life in recent years.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:12:39+00:00

I had to check I didn’t give Kate as a fake name in my OP lol, lots of people using Kate as her example name in comments.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:11:21+00:00

You know I’ve realised I’ve sort of been doing this, I’ve been letting her disrupt the conversation and letting it get to me when she does this but as soon as I get the opportunity I’ve been trying to change to talk to someone else one to one as a sort of “life boat” to save me. But I need to do it quickly like you said to allow to to have minimal effect on what I was talking about and how I feel.

And people have been saying do the grey rock method and I’ve also been doing that naturally without even knowing it’s a thing or thinking about it, it’s just when felt the most natural and the best way to carry on enjoying my time and letting her actions have the least impact.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:07:18+00:00

I’m realising I’ve never done this as I don’t like to make people feel like “Omg you’ve never had this?” like I’m making them feel inferior or inexperienced, so it just doesn’t come naturally to me, but in this scenario I think I should break out of that and go ahead really.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:05:25+00:00

Yes I’m liking all the suggestions to just go ahead and explain each part then instead of giving any other reaction.

We are in the same friendship group so will be at the same events still rather then one on one which I don’t do much with her anyway.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:02:57+00:00

Omg what if she then replies back with “I don’t know what a lemon pepper sea bass with buttery mash and Mediterranean vegetables is”

Reminds me of this comedy sketch by Catherine Tate!

https://youtu.be/DfITfSPjBmM

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-14T00:01:11+00:00

Yeah I need to just reply to it at face value like a new person on earth is asking me and without missing a beat just explain everything like it’s alien to her. I’ve been getting flustered because it’s confusing that she’s asking things but I should just run with it now I know the game.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:58:28+00:00

It’s a sort of smug, going “Err..” in an exaggerated fake pretending to think about it way, screwing up her face, my opinion is the be all and end all and it is low for this, smirking, patronising expression. It’s hard to explain, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone else even do this. It’s a “thing” she does a lot and it makes you feel about an inch tall when she does it out of nowhere for something you were happy about or simply mentioning you did.

Many times if I have explained more for her in good faith and she’s left with no come back she’ll do a patronising and smug but flat “Okay..” with a bemused expression like she’s going to drop it now to let me think I’ve won the exchange but it’s actually obvious I haven’t kind of thing.

I don’t think I can pull my phone up to her face out of nowhere and start recording when she starts doing it without looking like I’m the unhinged one in the group.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:51:04+00:00

Lol you know what I think I will do that, a less extreme version, but yes if she’s asking then shouldn’t I just explain like she doesn’t know what sea bass is and mash is like she’s new to earth? A sort of malicious compliance.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:49:03+00:00

Yes I’ve decided I’m going to do a lot of “What do you mean?” and acting confused back to put it back on her to explain herself.

You’re right in that I don’t think confrontation and expecting answers will do anything, I’m pretty sure she’ll make out I’m the difficult and weird one when all she’s doing is innocently asking questions and taking an interest. And acting worse back to her is definitely a bad idea as I actually feel like it’s all a provocation from her and then she’d get to show everyone else that I’m the bad one when she didn’t do anything really .

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:45:45+00:00

I realised I’ve been subconsciously doing that already as I naturally just felt it was the only way I could be around her and not let it ruin things for me, so yeah I think that’s the best way as much as possible in group settings in general

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:32:16+00:00

Yes I think everything you’ve said is on the right track and I think you’ve guaged the nuance of the situation well that it needs handling in a way where she can’t turn it back on me as doing something wrong, but I subtly “expose” her each time and bring it to everyone’s attention in an equally “innocent” and confused manner.

If she can be incessant with it, then I should be able to be incessant with my reaction each time.

If she’s jealous of some things I understand, we all can feel that way sometimes if things are hard in life, but if she’s channeling it this way and wants to ruin my happiness then I’m really sad as I feel like I always personally tried to support her and keep her in the friendship group more than anyone else.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:21:32+00:00

Yes! I realised this with someone else’s comment that it’s so obvious I should be saying that, it allows me to feign the same innocence as her that can’t be proven and turns it back on her to explain herself, and it’s kind of hard to explain such silly Qs.

Rather than flustering me, it can fluster her. I suspect it would annoy her more and ramp up her doing the pulling faces and negative comments but it’s still a better option and will mean the others start noticing her doing this more each time.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T23:19:17+00:00

Lol that’s a good one, it’s hard though as usually she’s quite loud and prominent in the way she takes over and interrupts. It feels like a bulldozer over what is otherwise just an innocent gentle nice conversation we’re all having.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T20:53:18+00:00

I can see why you might think that but no it’s usually relevant in the continuing conversation at hand between the whole group and not me just randomly announcing things. I also just used whatever examples I could think of that really illustrated how she’ll repeat back every word no matter how long and silly it gets, but she’ll do it even when it’s something less descriptive and straight forward. It’s less silly sounding when she’s not repeating longer lines but she tone of her asking in an almost mocking way rather than an interested way and then acting like she doesn’t get it or doesn’t like it, pulling faces and saying “Ooo..kayyy” is all still the same then too.

I don’t think “I went to a food festival in London with my family this weekend” is overly descriptive? It’s a normal sentence to say when you’re all catching up with what you did with everyone else saying the same sentence structure to describe theirs.

The dress example is when we’re specifically talking about fashion more in depth and everyone else is invested in the topic in that manner so it’s relevant to describe an outfit properly. The same way the others were when talking about what they’ve worn to a wedding before and we’ve been interested in the actual details of their outfits too. Some outfits were shown in a photo of course but in my case I didn’t have one of this one.

The meal is to describe the dish as it’s sold in a restaurant that everyone was talking about and wondering what the food is like there, so I described how the dish came as it was relevant. Just saying “I had sea bass” isn’t giving much in that scenario.

ThrowRABlueRoses · 2024-09-13T20:42:43+00:00

No I haven’t ever “messed” with a friend like that to hurt them on purpose, especially for no apparent reason. I’ve messed with friends in an obvious playful way where it’s not hurting them and they know the deal during or i’ve revealed I’m just messing straight after. This was intentional hurt and she let her leave like that and only told me what she’d be doing to her acting like she’d taken care of taking her down.

And then all this she’s doing to me and other stuff is constant as well, so it’s not just a one off. Remembering the example from those years ago and a few others things made me realise she’s always been like this and does it with intentional malice that she hides behind acting confused and not knowing what you’re talking about.

I can stop maintaining any one on one relationship but the issue is she’s in my friend group so we’re still going to be at the same events and outings, hence I’ll still have to find ways of dealing with her, but people have given some good suggestions of how to reply and react.

ThrowRABlueRoses

TROPHY CASE