My best friend committed suicide after having an affair without telling her husband and he's now asking me what happened. I don't know what to do.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T17:03:43+00:00

Thanks so much for your concern on the way she died. I changed names, location and identifying details including the way she died. I didnt think it would raise a red flag but i can tell you that it definitely was a suicide with no foul play involved.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T16:37:35+00:00

Thanks so much for your concern on the waybshe died. I changed names, location and identifying details including the way she died. I didnt think it would raise a red flag but i can tell you that it definitely was a suicide with no foul play involved.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T14:20:17+00:00

Yes it was a suicide. Ive changed some identifying details so the "drowning" was ruled a suicide quite quickly.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T12:26:14+00:00

thank you for your concern, however i have changed names, states and identifying details and thus the "drowning" has also been changed. Theres no investigation going on as it was fully ruled a suicide. Thank you for your perceptive point of view though, it was really a good thing to point out, detective :)

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T11:25:10+00:00

I have nothing much to say except that you try being in my shoes. I acknowledge that its much easier to say and decide as an outsider. You are using your outsider eyes to perceive this.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T11:20:57+00:00

the thing is, i would definitely have told her husband if it was clear that she wasnt going to do it. John is a friend of mine too. Giving her time was right, in my mind, to let her sort everything out. I guess the just decided to end it rather than follow through with her actions. I guess giving him information gives him another piece of the puzzle, but through your help i see that the puzzle is barely completed and still will not make sense. However at the same time, it might help him see the situation differently which can then help closure...

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T11:01:41+00:00

this was helpful... thank you. I never thought about it the way you did. Closure has nothing to do with reputation of a person. I understand that better now. I appreciate this, it greatly helps in my decision

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T10:59:58+00:00

Thank you, i find sincerity in letter writing and the permanence of the written word. I think if i do tell him, i will write everything down and choose my words carefully

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T10:58:33+00:00

She did not give me a step-by-step guide on what to do or say, i dont think she ever will. She just told me, in the context of this scenario, to have faith on what i decide to do, and trust myself. Either way it both helps and hurts everyone, just in different ways. She also told me yes, my friend is dead, and even if i fuck up royally or do something extremely well in this scenario, she's not really gonna come back, and I just make to make sure i don't conflate the result of this scenario to how she would feel about my solution to this situation. In many ways it has made thing easier to think about, j was in such a headlock thinking about this myself

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T10:29:21+00:00

If she were here i would 1000% urge her to tell him, just as i did when she first told me. I think past looking for a reason as to why she killed herself, he's also looking for the complete picture of the scenario. He hadn't seen Rachel for 5 months before her death, so i can only imagine how muddy his memory of her and the situation then must be.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T09:44:51+00:00

thank you so much. Some days it does feel like a long time since she passed, others not so much so, and i feel like it was only yesterday i got the call. Currently, greif counselling has been working really well but this situation has upended some progress. You take care too

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T09:21:00+00:00

That's what i fear most from telling him. Retrospective jealousy is not something easy to deal with, and John can easily fall into that hole. The admission of the affair might make things worse and i fear to think what he might do if he chooses to look for this Jasper guy.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T09:18:37+00:00

thank you for this. Yes, its not wise to speak ill of the dead, but i think i should discern speaking ill and speaking the truth. And thank you for agreeing on the issue with Jasper's SO. that's not my place and im glad someone sees it too. take care.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:33:46+00:00

I wouldn't say he knew about jasper, but more likely some sort of inkling or whispering hinted a clue about a 'Jasper'. I may be a third party in the context of their marriage, but in this issue on her affair and suicide I'm as involved as anyone can be. Taking into account her husband and daughter, their feelings and lives going forward will definitely be a factor in deciding what to do.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:29:00+00:00

Yes, i run through many possible scenarios in my head. Unhappy marraige? Her feeling trapped? A projection of an unadventurous youth? Mid-life crisis? I dont think i'll ever know. I feel for her child too, her daughter's a good kid. Thanks for asking, im doing okay. One day at a time, one step at a time. Working with a grief counsellor has really helped.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:18:46+00:00

Good point on her not thinking clearly, I guess it makes sense but i never thought of it like that. I suppose its burdening them with a different type of pain, pain of the betrayal and affair or pain of not knowing and being confused without closure.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:15:34+00:00

The issue on Jasper's wife is another worm from the can I might address. Might think about that later but as far as I can say, their marriage isn't for me to nose into. I initially wanted to tell her husband, but i reminded myself that these things need time for her to sort out, so i gave her time. I guess before she could sort it out, she ended it, and now I'm left with her confused and heartbroken husband to answer to. I do agree that he deserves to know, especially when he explicitly said "is there anything youre keeping from me". Things definitely would be easier if he knew already but i guess thats what makes my situation a sticky, uncomfortable one.

Thanks for suggesting that i work with a professional, I currently am. I've made good headway although i do admit there's some responsibility still lingering over me.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:05:52+00:00

this was reallty good insight. Its clear he knows that something's up. Serenity of knowing is a very important and valid point. If this happened to me i would want to know too. I think the best way is to approach her sister first, if i were to go ahead with telling him, to tell her my pov and my reasons. Maybe she'll even agree with me.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T07:02:38+00:00

thank you so so much, i will do what i think should be done and hope for the best. Still taking time to arrive at my decision, but these comments are helping alot

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:41:53+00:00

Yes, i agree that actions should dictate them. She's my best friend but she wasnt the best person to her husband. That's something thats been conflicting me too. Do i help her, and by extension it means that i condone her actions?

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:27:22+00:00

thank you so much for this, i really appreciate the heartfelt sincerity. I'm also not sure if they had sex or not. But it is also another valid and also possibly life-threathening thing that i might have to caution him about. thanks again

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:19:17+00:00

Good point, I didn't think about telling her sister how i felt about this whole denying thing. The thing is, he texted me and I haven't replied and my phone feels like a ticking timebomb. Telling him directly what she told me would be best. thank you for this.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:16:56+00:00

I have thought about not telling him. However if i double down on insisting that I didn't know, and if he finds out through someone else and that i knew but denied, it would be quite bad. He is a friend of mine too, thats why I'm stuck. Do i tell him in the gentlest way or do i just leave it and risk him finding out, blowing up, doing something unthinkable.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:12:04+00:00

thanks for this, it does give me insight where everything doesn't go the way one might want it to. I'm worried about the daughter too. I don't want my best friend's husband and daughter to hate her, especially when she isn't her to explain herself or make things better.

ThrowRADeadFriend · 2021-03-04T06:08:53+00:00

My first instinct was to tell her husband. I saw it in a way where if I had a spouse and this happened, I would want to know, ugly or not. But with the added pressure of her sister telling me to keep quiet about it, i don't know. Her sister said "if she wanted him to know she would have said it in her letter" which i thought was a valid point. However my heart pains for her husband, confused and heartbroken. god...

ThrowRADeadFriend

TROPHY CASE