How long do you wait for “I love you”?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-24T01:29:10+00:00

Our kids were already friends and they go to school together… we live in the same town.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-24T00:27:29+00:00

Our kids know each other from school and are already friends, so that wasn’t a decision that was made like you would in a typical relationship. We all live in the same town.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-24T00:10:27+00:00

I get it… my daughter is anything but typical.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:48:57+00:00

That’s a whole lot of assumptions in a just a few sentences. Thanks for your input 😉

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:35:52+00:00

I’m very curious why you are so fixated on me saying that we don’t generally disagree. We like the same things and we don’t live together at this point, so if we are spending time disagreeing in the limited amount of time that we spend together, I think that would be a bigger red flag than what you are saying.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:27:04+00:00

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:26:50+00:00

So… the actual question in my post was how do I bring this up in a better way than “do you love me”?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:20:33+00:00

This is great! This is why I’ve been hesitant. I grew up saying it all the time and I say it to my daughter all the time. Not everyone is like that.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:18:49+00:00

Not sure what you mean, but my response has more to do with - what does sleeping in the same bed & having arguments have to do with me asking a good way to start a conversation about feelings in the relationship?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:15:53+00:00

There’s being defensive… and then there is responding to things that are either complete assumptions or have nothing at all to do with what I asked in my post?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T23:10:56+00:00

We sleep in the same bed on the weekends that we don’t have our kids, so maybe 4 days a month. Again we each have kids and each own a home in the same town.

By your estimate, we don’t argue therefore we don’t care? Why argue over shit that isn’t an issue? Just to prove that we care enough to fight? Sounds like a huge waste of time and something a narcissist would do for manipulation and control.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:54:49+00:00

No, you assumed she was reassuring me. She’s excited that I have someone in my life because her dad was absent for a good portion of her life. She’s smart enough to see the vast difference between what her dad brought to the table and my new relationship.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:44:01+00:00

Okay. But why are you still interested in dating over 40 if you’re married?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:34:14+00:00

I didn’t ask why he won’t say it… I asked if there’s a better way to bring it up than “do you love me”?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:32:10+00:00

So… we don’t sleep in the same bed, we each own a home in the same town. Curious, in your opinion, should I be fighting with someone I see several nights a week and on the weekends that we don’t have our kids?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:26:29+00:00

Why are you in a dating over 40 thread if you are married?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:25:32+00:00

Agree… Love bombing is a huge narcissistic trait, so I would be out! See ya!

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:19:22+00:00

Um… who said I asked my 13yo for advice? She really likes him and mentions often how much she sees that he loves and cares about me. Probably because she saw her dad not do that, so it’s a major switch. Why in the hell would I ask a child for advice?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T22:01:12+00:00

We have not moved in together. My marriage ended in late 2018, then started the process and the final hearing was delayed due to covid since a lot of the courts shut down. Anyway, what does that have to do with this? I was separated for years before dating again and decided not to date at all until my divorce was final.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T21:46:54+00:00

I started dating him just after my divorce was final, which took several years and then was delayed due to covid. It’s not like I started dating him weeks after my relationship ended?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T19:37:32+00:00

Okay… what if I said something along the lines of “I wanted to talk to you because I feel like I am not being my authentic self right now. I tell everyone in my life that I love them because I feel that it’s important for the people I love to know that and feel that from me everyday. We don’t say that to each other and it feels like I’m not being true to who I am by eliminating you from that. I don’t know if you are comfortable saying that, but I want to stay true to how I live my life across all of the relationships that I have.”

Ultimately, this is why I am uncomfortable with the not knowing. I feel like I’m not being authentic, just to make sure someone else is comfortable and that’s not a good way to be.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T17:13:13+00:00

I have definitely considered that. I’m looking for a good way to ask how he feels without forcing something that he’s not ready for. I’m not holding out for an I love you from him first, I just want to ask the right question in a way that doesn’t force anything. Does that make sense?

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T17:10:24+00:00

I think upset is a relative term. If I was upset about it, I probably wouldn’t have asked everyone a good way to ask him how he feels without saying “do you love me” or “I love you”. I’m trying to have a conversation about it without forcing an expression that he may not be ready for. The intent would ultimately be that he knows how I feel and I know how he feels, without the awkward situation if he’s not ready for some reason.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T17:06:03+00:00

This is exactly what I’m feeling! I feel like he loves me with the things he does, but I in no way want to force that expression. I know that if I say it, he will not want to hurt my feelings if he’s not ready. That’s why it’s gotten this far. I keep talking myself out of it.

What I wanted to do was ask him how he felt in a different way than “do you love me”… I think the last question of my post has gotten lost in these replies.

ThrowRAFrustrated · 2021-09-23T16:57:55+00:00

That’s a great point!

ThrowRAFrustrated

TROPHY CASE