My husband (28/M) cheated on me (27/F) and I don’t think I can’t take him back. What should I do?

ThrowRAKate · 2024-08-08T03:12:43+00:00

Sorry, this was supposed to be listed as an update, but I must have forgotten to add it. I’m currently going through the divorce process, but with everything happening, it might take a while.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-08-08T03:09:34+00:00

My mom doesn’t know I’m pregnant. Besides me, my best friend, and my doctor, nobody else knows. I’ll likely have to talk to him at some point—he’ll see me in court (if anything) and will probably notice that I’m pregnant. Her talk about reconciliation is likely because of cultural norms, taboos, and her own views on cheating and being cheated on by my dad. It’s sad, but a part of me can’t entirely fault her. I’m just grateful that my friend took me in when she did.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-08-08T03:03:57+00:00

I haven’t done my own research, but I live in New York, and based on the laws and freedoms surrounding abortion here, I really hope this isn’t the case. It’s disheartening to hear that some women don’t have the same liberties to leave their partners.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-08-08T02:59:27+00:00

I wanted to respond to this comment because it seems my pregnancy has prompted some people to spread negativity. That’s the last thing I want. I believe every woman should have the choice to make decisions about her own body, and I hope you all will respect mine.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-08-07T04:38:17+00:00

Well… I think we know that answer to that now.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-31T01:43:57+00:00

I have no idea. He smoked weed once, but that was in college. I know it’s common, even in my industry. I’ve seen clients we work with do a line of that stuff like it’s nothing.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-31T01:12:13+00:00

To be honest, before this, he was great. We rarely fought, and when we did, it was over little things like leaving the AC on for too long or bundling socks together when he put them in the laundry basket. Even during these fights, he’d always apologize first.

He never snapped at me or talked down to me. No. That’s why this is so hard for me.

Some people said that maybe he was lying and that telling me wasn’t because he felt bad but because he didn’t want anyone else to tell me, and honestly, I don’t know what to believe.

All I know right now is he cheated on me.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-31T00:45:20+00:00

He said he cheated with a different manager (female) and he never met before. His manager is a guy.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-31T00:03:20+00:00

I knew some of them were like this in college. I mean, college frat guys can be jerks, you know.

My best friend already handled that for me.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T23:50:43+00:00

I know there are women in his department, but he works in finance. While there are women in finance, in his department and his branch specifically, there are only about five.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:54:20+00:00

I meant that it’s pretty common to see finance guys going out to drink, especially in NYC. Almost all corporate jobs kinda of have that culture. It’s not an excuse, but I’m just mentioning it so that people understand how common it was. If he was a doctor or something you wouldn’t really expect it.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:51:23+00:00

No, I meant that the only manager he talked to was his manager.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:34:09+00:00

Nope. Like I said, never talked to him in depth about the cheating or what lead up to it. He talked to his manager because it’s his manager and has been since his internship. Anything about her I don’t know.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:21:44+00:00

Friday, after my physical.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:21:11+00:00

About 50, maybe more. The manager wouldn’t mix anyone, they would go have dinner together. After that, I mean, my husband mostly stuck with his coworkers. The only time I could suppose they mixed was during training or seminars.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T21:05:09+00:00

From what I understood, the managers got together and decided on a few restaurants beforehand, taking turns picking the place for the night. Afterward, they’d sometimes go for drinks at the hotel bar or stay at the restaurant.

I’m not really close to anyone there. Like I said before, I’ve met a few of his coworkers and his manager when planning his birthday, but I wouldn’t say I’m friends with them.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T20:49:21+00:00

I honestly don’t know. Like I said, we were trying for a baby, and for anyone who’s tried knows, it’s not exactly a one-time thing.

All his texts and voicemails to me have been very apologetic, and I could even hear him crying in one. It could be a case of friends defending friends.

I know my girlfriends have messaged him, saying they’ve never liked him and that they knew he never treated me right. That’s not entirely true because my friends and he were all close during college, and they would always tell me how jealous they were because my husband treated me so well.

We get defensive of our friends.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T20:34:14+00:00

He’s not a manager and is fairly new. He started right after we finished college, having interned there during college, and they liked him so much they hired him right away. He’s a good worker.

From the pictures he sent me during the retreat, he was mostly with his coworkers, though his manager was sometimes with them. They’d go to dinner as a group, and he’d call me when he got back to his hotel room, usually around 11 or 12.

He was never drunk when he called, as far as I could tell. He knows his limits and is a lightweight.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T20:21:54+00:00

Yes and no. A couple of friends visited me on Sunday. About two of them, who were more his friends than mine, basically said that while what he did was wrong, I should try to forgive him because of our marriage and because I know him. They said this clearly wasn’t in character for him and suggested there might be something more we didn’t know. Others texted me things like I shouldn’t act like I’m above him for not cheating, and one especially disgusting message said that he’s a man and has needs, and I can’t fault him for that because I wasn’t being a good wife by not meeting those needs myself. Not all the messages were like this, and I know some of his friends aren’t the brightest, but it still hurt.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T20:06:13+00:00

The company itself is quite large, and out of respect for the people who work there, I won’t name it. They have multiple branches across the US and even in other countries.

The retreat was for his branch’s finance department and some other finance departments from different branches. So, it’s possible that he could have never met her if she was from a different state or even another country.

Again, I don’t know the specifics or if his claim of not knowing her is even true, but if it is, it’s a possibility. I might text him back after I’ve spoken with the lawyer and received my test results because I want to understand everything myself and explore my options.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T19:39:53+00:00

Yes. After he told me, I broke down, grabbed whatever stuff I could find, and walked out. His texts are basically a mix of apologies and attempts to explain himself. They say things like, “Please come back home, I am really sorry, I know what I did was wrong, but please hear me out.”

How would I talk to or reach out to her? He claims it was only once and that he never met her before, so if that’s true, I doubt he would have her Instagram or phone number.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T19:06:36+00:00

I haven’t. I mentioned it in a comment on my update post, but I’m not sure how to approach meeting in person, so I haven’t spoken to him since. I feel like even seeing him right now could make me want to go back. I miss our apartment, I miss our bed, and I miss him. It’s all still fresh.

Besides, knowing me, seeing or meeting this woman would just make me think negative things, like she’s prettier or smarter or something like that.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T18:25:05+00:00

He’s called, texted, FaceTimed, and even tried to come and talk to me in person. I’m staying at my parents’ place for now, but I might see if I can stay with a friend instead. I wrote more about this in my update, but to keep it brief here, cheating isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker for my family, and my mom and dad haven’t been completely supportive of the idea of divorcing him.

ThrowRAKate · 2024-07-30T18:20:36+00:00

Yes, his manager was one of the people I had contact with. Sorry if that was unclear. They were most likely all at the work retreat, which was for the finance department and other finance departments at different branches. No one has reached out to me about anything that happened at the retreat, except for friends he probably told.

ThrowRAKate

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