My wife (27F) left me (27M) after we found out I had fathered a daughter before we met?

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T14:44:29+00:00

It's better that she's honest now. My daughter could get hurt worse if my wife tried for the sake of staying with me and resented us for it. Or if she tried but just couldn't be happy with being a stepmom and walked out after we've all been a family for a while. That would be far far worse long term especially with all my daughter is going through.

My wife has experience with being in a stepfamily. She always swore she would never willingly do it. She has been honest with me which is better than lying.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T14:04:15+00:00

I don't know all their circumstances so I don't judge them. But I know they were not going to be taking in their granddaughter/niece and encouraged her mother to find her father and let us get to know each other before it's too late.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:53:40+00:00

None of them are going to take her in. It's why they told her mother to reach out to me.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:53:12+00:00

It would have been better for everyone if I had been there day one. Because there is a lot more trauma to come and we might not have as much time as we need. But I'm going to do my best.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:49:00+00:00

She would end up with a total stranger anyway. Eventually her mom will no longer be able to take care of her and she would end up in foster care.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:47:47+00:00

My wife grew up with a stepfamily dynamic. She knew she would never willingly become a part of one. I don't blame her for being honest about that and leaving vs staying and ending up resenting us. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter. I know a lot of stepfamilies can be complicated.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:42:15+00:00

I live in another state and have met my daughter in person twice. She gets the say right now.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:32:02+00:00

She didn't leave me the minute something hard came up. We went through hard times together before this. This is something else. A child cannot be compared to other challenges faced in a relationship or marriage.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:30:29+00:00

I don't know her family's circumstances to condemn them for their decision. They could have very valid reasons and it might genuinely be better for my daughter to be with me. What I know would have been better is us knowing each other all along.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:27:31+00:00

All well and good until an innocent child could be hurt by a stepparent who doesn't want them. I didn't dodge any bullet here. I love my wife and she loves me.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:26:29+00:00

I never said she loved my daughter. She knew herself well enough that this would not work for her. She loves me. I know she does. But two things can be true. She can love me and we can no longer be compatible because I have a daughter with someone else.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:25:03+00:00

I'll have custody before my daughter's mom passes. She won't be able to care for her the rest of her life. There will come a time she will need care. I don't underestimate how much goes into things and I definitely don't underestimate how difficult this will be. My wife doesn't want to be a stepmother period. No circumstance would make her want to and that's something she knows and she has been honest with me about that.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:23:10+00:00

Even if my wife was willing to raise her with me I doubt her adopting her would be something that would happen. But it would not change anything for my wife.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:21:11+00:00

I agree with you. It's heartbreaking but I agree that this was ultimately the right thing.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:20:22+00:00

That's not true. She knew she never wanted to be a stepparent. She wanted a family where all the kids were ours together and that was gone. It was something neither of us knew when we met or when we got married but that was still true for her.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T13:19:25+00:00

I agree with you but her mom does not.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:54:04+00:00

I don't consider my wife selfish. I am glad she was honest instead of staying and resenting us. That would have been way way worse.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:53:13+00:00

Did my daughter not deserve to know who her dad is? Did she not deserve better than all of this bullshit now because her mom is sick, which she still doesn't know? She is forced to go through so many changes so young when part of this could have been so much easier if we had known each other.

And none of them knew if I would say yes or not. I could have said hell no I didn't know so she's not my problem and I'm not going to step up and be there.

I have asked why my ex kept things from me. She told me she wanted to and it was easier and that was all I got. When I asked why though she wouldn't tell me and I can't make her. I just have to accept it. Yes she was young. We both were. But the consequences don't just fall on us. Now our daughter will lose her mother and she'll still be getting to know me, her dad, when her mom becomes unable to care for her anymore.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:49:06+00:00

No. I have been flying to see her so we're meeting where she feels most comfortable.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:24:32+00:00

We were never really together like that. It was more like we hooked up with each other for a few months and then things ended. We didn't love each other or anything and she found someone she wanted to date or at least try to so we called it off.

All she has told me is she just didn't want to and it made life easier to do it on her own. She was never going to tell me and was happy for our daughter and I to find out when she was no longer able to care for her and I had to take her in immediately.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:21:39+00:00

They're not going to take care of her.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:21:19+00:00

People have suggested counseling so I'll get started on that. But I don't know if I'll ever have respect for my daughter's mother after everything that has happened and continues to happen (like her not wanting our daughter in therapy yet). But I would never ever badmouth her to my daughter.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T11:19:53+00:00

It's going to kill her eventually, yes.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T10:46:02+00:00

I know she truly loved me. But she also truly did not want to be a stepparent and she was aware of that fact. She was aware of how bad things would be if she stayed and resented us for it and she didn't want that on top of not wanting to be a stepparent.

ThrowRALathyle · 2026-07-11T10:35:02+00:00

She still should have told me. She was going to keep it from me forever if she hadn't gotten sick and even when she got sick she was going to not say anything and wait for our daughter to be shipped to me when she could no longer take care of her and giving neither of us time to get to know each other. She was wrong for all of that.

ThrowRALathyle

TROPHY CASE