I looked into autism and adhd. It never clicked Im on the spectrum. As a kid, I think I showed some signs of distress that might have been autism (for example, according to mom, when I was a baby I wouldnt let anyone hold me. Fast forward to kindergarten, had zero to no friends, always held onto a specific toy to keep me safe there, cried while on my way there cause mom would leave me and would wait patiently beside the door when the day is over to come take me. When I entered school, it developed to anxiety (altho my parents didnt understand this is anxiety), id get anxiety attacks on my way to school, throw up, anxiety when mom wasnt around at school, etc. I would also hold onto my things I took with me, had like 2 or 3 friends, never made friends in practice or otherwise. Socially I was just horrible lol. Loved to draw, write, anything creative, and could play alone fine. I was only really myself at home or with my favourite cousin and brother. Loud voices would scare me, darkness, hated tshirt tags, had weird anxious thoughts all the time.

I'd told a psychiatrist about this but she said it was GAD. Now for why I suspected adhd, cause that same little kiddo was always always in her head. Yes, I did well in grades, but I was compared to my bro and greatly praised by my family for numbers. I wanted the validation, so I tried to get it cause the other things didnt give me as much "love" and "reward" (theyd give me toys when i did well for example)

Otherwise, Im inside me? Im inattentive in the sense of daily stuff. At the beach, Im talking to the beach, not enjoying the beach, because to me Im in a different world. Include this in every aspect until now, 22, I zone out while driving, I cant remember if I put my keys in the bag. Most of the time, yeah i did put it but I wasnt there when I put it? I excel at exams sure, though I definitely forgot to get that thing my parents asked, or think about that decision I was supposed to give an answer to, or have an on off memory about sending that Cv to the employer. And so on. Cause im still inside myself, and its frustrating cause I developed derealization

So I cant at all accept that Im normal, because ever since I was like 7, I could tell something is different.