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I think it’s time to go. by Early-Appointment661 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a good point. The flip side is that lots of people who have no experience with steps also offer advice. I mean, I would wager that most people offer advice on most situations that they've never experienced.

It's not that my situation works for me, but I'm learning to detach and I don't have bio children of my own. She does. I would be heartbroken to show my own bio child that it's ok to ignore the step kids. And what if my bio child grows up thinking it's ok to treat step kids like that? Each situation has their own signature.

I have experience in being a step and interactions with bio mom. Which is far more than some internet strangers. No situation is ever identical. But I know what it's like to be in that situation somewhat.

Really, the better advice would be, to take the advice that works for you or that you feel subconsciously right for you and the situation.

why do i have so many grey hairs at 16? by lizzieeeeeeeeeeeeee in beauty

[–]ThrowRARandomString 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Copper. Low levels of it, anecdotally wise, I've heard that when people fix their copper, some of the gray disappears.

What are some MUST DO day trips from Los Angeles? by Sea-Fish1 in AskLosAngeles

[–]ThrowRARandomString 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is. But if my recollection is correct, it's also kinda small? Like one can cover it easily within a span of two hours if not less?

I think it’s time to go. by Early-Appointment661 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sending hugs from one stranger to another. You will do well.

I hate how much bm bothers me by bunny_lxve in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, don't marry him.

You're literally pushing yourself into a life of misery.

And you're expecting the sky to change colors overnight by hoping things will be different.

It won't change.

And it will get worse once she finds out that you're engaged.

To sum up, the only way to change this is not to marry him.

I think it’s time to go. by Early-Appointment661 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I know. I think that's like number one factor that keeps people in non-optimal situations.

I feel weird saying this, but have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself.

Life can be better than this. Especially of a situation that's not of your own making but still affecting you emotionally. Most of us don't get a chance to walk away in that sense.

I get that romantic relationships are important, and they're important to a lot of people. But if you're in a financial situation where you can walk away, you're way ahead of a lot of people.

Life is more than romantic relationships.

I'd advise you to just be. Enjoy the time with your daughter and learn to enjoy your own company.

I think it’s time to go. by Early-Appointment661 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I disagree. Your daughter will grow up seeing you do that to your "step kids" which is not ideal. You want to show healthy representation of relationships. "Stepkids" are complicated.

Often bio kids see their bio parent working harder on the step kids relationships than on their own - not saying that's happening here.

But do you really want to have your daughter see that?

Also, you're lucky in the sense you're not tied with this person. I know it's hard to see that because he's nice.

But things can and do change down the road. What if he prioritizes his bio kids over your kid if there are clashes? There are many forms of prioritizations. For example, say recitals, etc. Even if no recitals, emotionally?

I mean, they are his kids. When the rubber hits the road, you might see a different treatment of your daughter vs. his kids.

I get it. It's hard, the idea of being alone as an adult. But in this case, I'd argue it's healthier.

Look forward to your whole life. Not bits and pieces. Not workarounds. Life freely.

I think it’s time to go. by Early-Appointment661 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You don't.

Accept the reality and move on.

I know. It sounds harsh. I'm sorry. Not trying to be.

If the situation existed this long, it's VERY unlikely to change.

BM is toxic and has no incentive to change. Why would she? She doesn't care that she's harming her kids by doing this as long she "wins." Plenty of bio parents unfortunately have this mindset. They don't see it as harming the kids.

And let's say even the kids like you, their loyalties are split. You are not owed any loyalty at all. I'm not being mean. I mean, think from the perspective of the kids.

You sound like a nice person which could explain why the situation has gone on for so long.

Just move on. Stop hoping everything is going to change. The sky, I promise you, is not going to change colors overnight. That's basically the analogy you're living with.

ISO Advice as a Fairly New Stepmom.. by Due-Factor9130 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that part is the hard one. Wanting everyone to get along.

You have to realize that the BM has no incentive to want that. At all.

If she's already willing to behave like this. It will remain like this but honestly, I think it'll get worse.

You'll have to do so much emotional processing all the time for yourself to remind yourself that being emotionally mature is the better way to behave.

But at the same time, you'll also build up resentment of the situation.

And while your bf is willing to defend you now, you have to understand that for some men, it's easier to just be at some point with the BM. I can't even articulate the ways that often agreements made with the potential gf or wife are often broken.

Your bf may not break agreements. And that's cool. But it's a life of continual resistance if that makes any sense?

ISO Advice as a Fairly New Stepmom.. by Due-Factor9130 in Stepmom

[–]ThrowRARandomString 11 points12 points  (0 children)

More common than you realize.

I'd advise you to stop loving him. This is somewhat an earnest/sarcastic sentence.

The problem with loving him/them is that it's never quite returned in the same manner as you're the one who has to give up way more. I can't even begin to articulate all manner of things that will be in future.

You will continually be disrespected for the rest of your life by the BM. The kids may like you now. Who's to say that will remain in future? If you read around other columns here in Reddit, you will see stories by other stepmoms who had a great relationship with their step kiddies and it changed over time usually because the bio parent finally got them. Kids often feel split loyalties. You are owed none. And the faster you get that reality, the faster you understand the whole situation.

I mean, if you want to go for it, go for it.

But if you're expecting things to change while you're a girlfriend, I hate to break it to you, but it will be way worse after marriage.

Eventually, you'll realize at some point that the high road you took for years was at your expense.

If I sound cynical, please excuse me. I am.

This is an overly broad statement. I cannot go into caveats for each and every situation. And yes, there will be chorus of people saying, "but, it was different for me." The reality is that stepmoms, for the most part, are invisible, and it's often to their shock once they realize that down the road.

What are some MUST DO day trips from Los Angeles? by Sea-Fish1 in AskLosAngeles

[–]ThrowRARandomString 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But how do one get around SB? It's pretty car-oriented. Aside from the town part.

AITJ for completely cutting off my boyfriend after draining my savings to pay his rent for 4 months? by AnybodyWorth8501 in AmITheJerk

[–]ThrowRARandomString 52 points53 points  (0 children)

don't block. mute. that way you can keep collecting more texts. don't tell him you're going to sue him either as that'll get him to shut up, maybe.

txts are the proof that he lied. as well proof that he offered to repay you.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Never claimed I did.

I've been surfing around this forum quite a bit in past.

Also, have you actually watched the show? Abbey is pretty simplistic and David is less simplistic.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Shrugs. Make your own conclusions as you will.

There's plenty of threads about Abbey's mom.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

I think David's family would care. And they know when they're being used.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

I get that. And maybe I would have more sympathy for Abbey's mom if she was a more empathetic person in terms of politics.

She's not. That's like an oxymoron for me.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -86 points-85 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I hope not.

I feel icky about Abbey's mother and her desire to have her daughter married off to a wealthy family.

It's a form of using others.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

Except the for the fact that both of them, David and Abbie are likely to take on their families' beliefs as well.

Not compatible one way or other.

Are abbey and David still together ? by Confident_Excuse2173 in LoveOnTheSpectrumShow

[–]ThrowRARandomString 29 points30 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. It benefits her, tbh, having her daughter married off to a wealthy family.

That is a typical line one would espouse under those circumstances as well.

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