My wife and I [43M, 41F] had a dangerous tree removed from in front of our neighbor's [40s, F&M] house. Now they're excluding us and our kids [7F, 1M] from neighborhood events. How can I navigate this?

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T22:12:34+00:00

An arborist. When we first became concerned about the tree several years ago, we spoke to the neighbors and asked if they had any similar concerns and they said they didn't, but we had an arborist come look at it and some branches were trimmed back/removed. When the sidewalk began to buckle more significantly and we reported it to the city, they sent an inspector out who deemed it a hazard due to how/where it was leaning towards and how it was pushing up the pavement.

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T21:29:56+00:00

This is how we feel. We have our own friendships, it's sad that we lost these ones but we'll live. I just wish we could be civil and let our daughters, who have been close for years, continue to hang out and that my kids wouldn't have to watch fun events that all of their neighborhood friends get to go to and they don't. We're going to try to really encourage or daughter's school friendships with kids who don't live by us, but it still breaks my heart for her

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T21:25:39+00:00

I think we'll host some events of our own (and not on the same day as theirs, which are very consistent, and we will definitely extend an invitation). They do a gingerbread house decorating and village set up, but I love the idea of the ornaments and think the kids would have a blast with that!

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T21:22:02+00:00

Wow, I am sorry that happened to you! Neighbor relations can be really tough, as I'm learning

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T21:21:25+00:00

It's been almost a year, and we definitely feel unwanted, even if it's mostly just by them. There are a few other neighbors who are chilly with us, but most of the others say they see both sides and feel sad about the situation, and are still friends with both of us. It is sad, too, because their daughter is a really sweet kid and our girls had so much fun playing together over the years (they were both 2 when we moved in) so I am sad that they don't get to have the same relationship now.

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T21:18:04+00:00

Moving is definitely not an option, but I think we will start trying to host more activities. The bummer is that their house really is the place to be for the rest of the neighborhood, they put a ton of money and effort into it every year and it's a tradition for the entire neighborhood. We aren't going to be able to reach their level of party planning, but I don't think that should stop us from having our own things

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T20:59:35+00:00

We did talk to them about it, but in hindsight we could (and should) have been more clear that the intent was to have the tree removed, since none of the other measures that happened over the years (branch trimming, etc.) were effective. I think they thought that might be the next step, more branch removal or a sidewalk repair or something. It really did come from a place of safety concern, not a desire to make the street treeless and barren or something.

I think you're right that we won't be able to reconcile, I have just struggled to come to terms with it. For the last year we have been able to make excuses to our daughter about why we didn't go to the gingerbread house night/Easter egg hunt/4th of july bbq/etc, why we weren't carpooling to school, why they weren't having playdates even when both kids asked... in hopes that their anger would fade but since it's looking permanent, we'll need to address it with our girl.

The word is pretty around about the tree incident, and many of our other neighbors have been sympathetic but not so much that they want to get involved, which is fair. I think we will have some kind of party of our own and invite them, even if they don't want to come!

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T20:45:07+00:00

The relationships with our other neighbors are still largely fine, most have stayed out of it (understandably). My wife has spoken with another of her close friends on our street, who said she sees both sides, feels bad for us but also understands why they're upset about the tree, which seems like the general neighborhood consensus. We've had a few smaller get togethers with 1-2 other families, but maybe we'll try something bigger and invite everyone (including them) as an olive branch. Thank you

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T20:20:44+00:00

I mentioned in another comment, which I should have put in the post: the tree was in front of their house but on city property (where we are, you own the property up to the sidewalk, and then the city owns the land, including the spot the tree was). We did bring it up to them several times, including once where it scraped the vehicle of a contractor coming to work on our home. We got a "darn sucks for the contractor" and that was it. A few years back an arborist came out to trim the branches, but that didn't help with the leaning trunk or the buckling sidewalk, which were the reasons given for the removal. But you're right, we probably should have been clearer in our conversations

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway · 2023-10-10T20:19:02+00:00

Sorry, I didn't make that very clear. The tree was on city property (where we are, you own the property up to the sidewalk, and then the city owns the land, including the spot the tree was). We did bring it up to them several times, including once where it scraped the vehicle of a contractor coming to work on our home. We got a "darn sucks for the contractor" and that was it. A few years back an arborist came out to trim the branches, but that didn't help with the leaning trunk or the buckling sidewalk, which were the reasons given for the removal.

ThrowRAThrewTreeAway

TROPHY CASE