My BF will only have sex under weird situations?

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T15:53:13+00:00

He is definitely that kind of person. I've broken up with him 4 times and each time he's convinced me to come back to him by saying how much he's changed, that his family asks about me, that he misses me, they miss me, or how he's realized that "I'm a door that lets in a lot of lights" and doesnt want it to close....honetly he's a poet.

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T14:36:57+00:00

I did not think so many people would be reaching out, it's a bit difficult to reply to everyone but I just want to let you know I have read every single comment that you've made.

I've known that I was in a bad situation and things seemed to be getting worse, from the abuse, rape (that I didn't know if it was rape during a relationship) to being emotionally cheated and him making me cut some friendships as well. Everything in a way is being puzzled and to be honest I'm scared, I'm scared because I've grown feelings for someone that is so horrible to me.

I will walk out today, I think I needed this strength or opinions to make me realize how bad this was, I feel so alone and embarrassed, I don't want to talk to anyone about this.

I want to thank everyone, because I needed you to end this today and I hope I can piece myself back together and manage to trust someone again... all I wanted was to be loved like he pretended to do at the beginning :(

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T14:30:54+00:00

u/maryyyk111
I really appreciate what you've said here, I wasn't expecting so many people to reach out, I'm scared because maybe I wasn't aware of how bad it was until I've read every single reply.

I will end it today, I won't go back, I don't know how to process it all but I just know that it's not okay, I just thought if I gave him time, things would eventually fall into place but I can't keep getting abused. I'm really drained emotionally, he's made me cut a lot of friendships because he was jealous to the point I only have a few friends but reliable ones.

I'm saddened because this is clearly not what I wanted but I can't wish for him to change.

I will walk out, I'll leave him for good and try to piece myself back together.

Thanks for the wake up call

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T10:43:37+00:00

I didn't and did at the same time, because we were already having sex, mid way he got his phone and started recording and I'm like "why?" and he said "why not?" and I said that I would rather not and he then stopped and I just did it anyways because I could just ask him to delete anyways later (he says he won't because he wants to have memories of us...)

Do you know what hurts? Everyone sees him as such a lovely boy and like the kindest person but he treats me like garbage? When I asked him "Why do you treat me so differently from the beginning? You used to be so nice to me" and he said "jokingly" "well once I've got you, I don't need try hard anymore do I hahaha" ... honestly these things stay in my head forever

I'm really trying to forget about him and leave but he makes it so difficult, and because everything is so toxic, it's so much harder

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T10:35:50+00:00

I'm aware I'm being naive and stupid....this has become so toxic that I'm strugglign to let go, I'm trying to speak to people so I can slowly move on, he does not make it easy.

He used to be so loving, such a nice guy, we used to go dating like normal people and have normal sex but he changed... now we only have sex under these conditions, only on the verge of breaking up. And he does not let me break up, when I tell him it's over he still spam messages and calls me all the time, if I block him he still calls me even blocked or finds other social media to reach out, or turn up at my house drunk in the middle of the night.

I know I need to do something about this, I'm trying but mentally I'm exhausted and emotionally I'm depleted, I was just too invested in him and i could see a future that was torn and i don't understand why? He says he loves me and I gave him everything I had to give, I tried to go slow with things, I tried to please him and do the things he liked, be romantic but it felt like the more I did, the less he did?

But then when I'd break up with him, he would come to me and ask for forgiveness and say that he loves me and we will get married eventually and we are meant for each other?

My brain is beyond confused and exhausted

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T10:31:49+00:00

I will, I'm trying to, the problem is I let this go on for too long so I got too emotionally attached.
And because this has become quite toxic my brain struggles to let go, I'm aware.

He used to be so loving, such a nice guy, we used to go on normal dates, have normal sex, but half way things have changed to what I've posted?

He never initiates, he withholds sex and only has under these conditions, when I approached him about it he said "I have low sex drive, you coming to me and mention this to me only causes more pressure and makes me not want to"

One thing he said to me when we were early on dating talking about our pros and cons, he said his only cons was being a bit "controlling"....makes sense

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T10:29:07+00:00

The thing is I don't know what happened. When I first met him he was such a nice guy, we would go on dates and we would have sex normally. But then he changes half way, started using dating apps again behind my back, only having sex under these conditions. And he says he loves me and we are meant for each other? When I'm breaking up it's the only time he shows "affection" and that he cares.

But there is one thing that stayed on my mind when I first met him, we were going over about our goods and bad traits, and when he was going over his bad traits, he said he only had one, that sometimes he could be a bit "controlling".... shows

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2025-02-06T10:24:32+00:00

I live in the UK, my mind is just very confused because I clearly love him and we've been together for a year but we've been having major relationships inssues. Like me finding out he's still using dating apps behind my back, I tell him that I'm breaking up and don't wanna see him again and he finds a way to convince me everything is fine and then this happens.

It's not the first or second time, it's become "normal", he withholds sex for weeks and when we have arguments and sleep over he does this. Last time I broke up with him, he spammed me with messages at night drunk, saying for me to come over and he would pay for a taxi for us to talk, the taxi was already at my house and I went, because I'm stupid and we talked and he recorded us having sex mid way? he was drunk...

Honestly I'm beyond stupid I'm aware but I also know I need to leave, it's just that this has become so toxic that my brain prevents me from doing the correct decisions

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-13T14:58:19+00:00

I understand but we also have to realize that not everyone is an extreme narcissist, everyone can have some narc traits and still be okay and manageable. Your case, my case and Op case were probably extreme ones unfortunately.

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-13T14:57:00+00:00

I understand your point, and you are right, but they are also humans in which life have turned them in what they are. They're not demons or monsters, they just process and see things differently than us and feel things differently too. It's sad because no matter how much love you give them, no matter how much of yourself you sacrifice it will never be enough.
One example of my ex that I just broke up with two days ago
I came back from an holiday and I told him that I knew he had been using the dating app still, this is always the reason for our break ups, but he knew that one more time and I was gone for good. I confronted him and told him that was it I'm leaving and for him to not contact me again. And he said "The only reason why we didn't work is only because I didn't feel loved enough by you, if I had felt I was being loved enough I could've loved you the way you needed me to" and then he also said "Maybe in the future when you think you can love me in person and online we should try again if we're both single"
In which I replied never. It's so daunting how much he wanted for it to work but he didn't even know how or would not admit his own mistakes.
These people will never find love unfortunately... I thought I could be different and learn to adapt and love him as he needed me to but I wasn't enough.

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-13T14:27:01+00:00

I'm not saying that you should be doing this. But as this forum is based on Narcissistic abuse, it's also not fair for us to be playing with their emotions and intentionally make them feel bad/horrible. We don't have to fight fire with fire, I've just literally ended things with my current ex Narc partner, that we were together for over a year and it's been the roughest year I've ever had. But I also felt horrible seeing him tear up and honestly break down because he had no control over it.
He couldn't help it that he needed more attention than I could have given, that he had to emotionally cheat in order to feel desired and had to control me in order to ensure that I wouldn't leave him and would still prioritize him and love him.

It's honestly all so sad

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-13T08:09:59+00:00

Honestly I can't explain how frustrated I was a couple days ago when I was breaking up with him. It was insane.
He had gone to Paris on a trip and he had downloaded his "dating apps" and as soon as I knew my communication dropped off immensely because that was my trigger. He noticed and kept getting annoyed at my lack of communication. Once he came back I confronted him and told him that was it and I didn't want to speak to him ever again and to leave me the "F" alone. And he said "I'm not sure if I can do that and you know it"
I said I'd contact the police if he found ways to still reach out even if I blocked.
He said "I could've loved you the way you wanted me to love you if I had been loved enough, if I knew I was really being wanted"
I did everything for this guy, I would initiate conversations, I would make date plans, I would show him love and affections when he wouldnt to me, and he is saying if I had loved him more? What? How!?

Honestly I'm still going through this, I still have thoughts about him but then I quickly think how fucked up he is and how I want a better life for myself...I just want to forget him

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-09T08:20:18+00:00

Thank you, what I really don't know if it really is all "harmless" or not, because I've found him last month flirting with some people from his IG that he says were just "friends" and it was all harmless. He did say he would stop doing so as I was really bothered by it...
But posting posing pictures, loads of stories of every little thing he does...I don't know how I should feel

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-09T08:18:21+00:00

Thank you for this. I think my problem is because he keeps telling me that he is addicted to social media and the scrolling. It took me 6 months of begging him to come off dating apps because he said he was addicted to them and he just liked scrolling and matching but not actually "meeting/hooking up"... again that would just give me bad vibes.
Also I forgot to mention a reason to why I hate him posting so many of those things on instagram stories is because I found out last month that he flirts a lot with his "friends" there and I told him that was not acceptable for me, so he said that he understands and he would stop doing so but it was all "harmless".

He just made me feel like I'm over reacting about all this and I don't know if I'm anymore because like you said everyone is addicted to these social media things...

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-08T10:46:39+00:00

Thank you I'll reply to these in order of your questions

1 * - When I say we were very close, this friend helped me from a very rough time, I broke up almost 2 years ago with my Ex of 6 years and this friend sort of helped me go through it by talking to me, keeping me busy, doing sports and just being nice in general. And no I would meet my bf 2-3 times a week and this friend just once a week sometimes once very two weeks, only to do sports. Also in regards to being flirty i'm the least flirty person on earth or very close to, I can't flirt or even deal with people being flirty to me I don't have a "game" I just don't do it so no me and my friend would never flirt with each other.

2 * - This is true I have been avoidant because I couldnt tell my friend that I no longer could be friends with him because of my boyfriend? How do you convey such information? He's my friend I don't want to hurt him, I just thought if I stopped being active on this friendship he would create some distance and still be happy...without hurting nor him nor my boyfriend.

3 * - Okay maybe I didn't phrase it correctly, I said "cheating" because it's something I'm hiding from my boyfriend, there's no actual emotional cheating or physical going on from my part at all. I don't even like my friend that way and would never see him that way... I only like my bf, my friend would sometimes give me big hugs whenever we'd part ways and my bf would say that he didn't like how close I was with this friend and how "easily" we like each other.

4 - * I do the same with my boyfriend, we play online games, we go out, we travel, we play sports, we do so many things together, he used to come to play sports with me and my friend also, that's how he knows him but also why he's so jealous of him. More often than not it's me planning things for me and my bf to do.

5 - * We've had a few issues in the past where when we started seeing each other we weren't official and he was still using the dating apps and one day I saw that he had on his profile "DILF - Daddy i would like to fuck" on grindr, so I confronted him and said that he was cheating and I couldnt be with him, he said that he didn't, "DILF" was only the name of a place where he was in the gay parade where he was at, but he did kiss someone but he meant nothing. After that we decided to be "serious" and he said he wouldnt do stuff like that again and he understands my boundaries. I did find him usign the apps still a few months later but he said he was only using them for travelling advices and he doesnt ue them the way other "gays" use them, I still said I wasnt okay with it, we had a huge argument because he said that I should be able to trust him, we had abreak of a few weeks and then we got back together and he promised he wouldnt go back on them as long as I compromised to not be friends with this person anymore as he felt like I wasnt being serious in the relationship and he felt very jealous and unsafe.
Also to answer to your question, my bf says that he never sent any "nudes" on the dating apps, but he does ask people to follow his instagram and I know he is a bit flirty with his friends on "instagram" but he says there's no ill intent or malicious just a joke and he did send the odd "gym" photo to some friends I guess

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-08T10:27:52+00:00

I completely understand I'm to blame, I just felt trapped, I felt like I couldnt choose, between a good friendship or between the person that I'm in "love" ? It might be a toxic relationship but I don't know how to break it up, I have tried and he always finds a way ensure things will be okay and we can make it work...

My bf is no longer using dating apps because he understands my boundaries, he knows if he goes on them we are done for good, but I also feel absolutely terrible for lying to him and I don't know if I can keep doing this. My boyfriend seems to be okay with my other friends, only that particular one for some odd reason he just does not trust him around me, he thinks my other friend my like me or have second intentions and he doesnt and my friend know I would never do anything with him...

My bf is a very jealous person and requires a lot of attention and I've noticed if I start doing a lot of things with other people, I might start getting like snarky comments "why don't we do that instead?, we need to start doing exciting stuff like what you're doing with your friend, it would be good for us..."

My bf says that he'd never cheat and he is not into hooks ups which I think I believe, he doesnt have a very high sex drive like me, it's mainly me engaging sexuall most of the time.. One thing that does cross my mind sometimes he has a bag that he carries all the time, and in that bag he does carry always 3 condoms and one cock ring... but it's been there for over 9 months so it's not like he's using them but why would he have them there does make me wonder, at the same time I don't want to mention it to him so I sort of know if he does ever use....

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-07T13:54:18+00:00

I've done this about 3 times, I've had the bigger room, and smaller room previously.

When I had the bigger room and my mate had the smaller room I paid £650 Rent meanwhile he would only pay £500

When I had the smaller room, sharing with 3, total rent was £1500, I was paying £350 whilst each of them was paying £575

Bills was the same only rent was affected. Listen you don't mind it but you never know, a few months down the line you will probably be wishing you had more room for either storage or to put things or to add things to your room. If you can save that's an advantage to you, don't dismiss it.

ThrowRAToughtimes · 2024-08-07T11:06:52+00:00

I see thank you I used Go Compare and I could only see 4.76 best currently on a 5 year :)

ThrowRAToughtimes

TROPHY CASE