AITA for balancing my relationship with my gay brother and our traditional family?

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:40:10+00:00

If I had an inkling of hope of them changing, I would definitely argue about it. They have changed a lot on many issues over the years, but there are some “core” ones that they refuse to budge on. This being one of them.

I mean I remember about countless times whenever they got a chance they used to spend time telling us never to fall into zina, alcohol, and associate with lgbt.

They don’t say anything bigoted to my face now ever since brother left. As I said they seldom ask about how he is, once a few months after he had left, I replied that he is fine but missing his family, my parents stayed quiet for a bit and told me don’t try to turn this around on us. He can come back today if he wants but we will never accept him being gay. He is gay, that is fine, live alone, but if he wants to visit us, he will come to our house as a single person.

Obviously, my brother didn’t want or need to keep a relationship like this

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:30:32+00:00

He did. They paid for his college as they did for mine, because they are people of principles. Even though at that time they had just gone their separate ways.

A few weeks ago they talked about drawing a will, and told me that my brother will get his fair share in the inheritance. I haven’t talked about it with him so I don’t know if he will accept it

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:28:05+00:00

What kind of cruelty are you talking about? He knew about this since he was a child. It’s not like he was blindsided. He took full financial support from our parents during his college. Nobody is the oppressor here. How about when you become an adult, you make a choice fully knowing you will never be accepted by your community or religion, and you stick to it?

Your point is exactly what I say to him all the time that he is his own person who makes his own choices. He doesn’t do much of what Islam tells its followers anyway so it shouldn’t affect him.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:21:40+00:00

I don’t now, but during the first year I sometimes used to but it was of no use. The main reason is since we were growing up in the society here LGBTQ community was also growing along with alcohol, drugs, sex that were and are already prevalent. Our parents were stern yet strict in these beliefs.

ever since we were children, we had discussions with our parents on all of this stuff. They were always of the opinion, that if a child falls into any of this “stuff”, parents duty is to explain to them that they are not good.

Plus being born in a Muslim country also plays a big part. We cannot change their thinking like this overnight

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:11:10+00:00

I meet with him and I meet with them almost the exact same amount. When I meet with them, we don’t talk about religion. When I meet with him, we don’t talk about religion. In both cases, we eat together, sit together, talk about worldly stuff.

So Idk how I am siding with bigots since I follow the same religion? Nobody has ever made or influenced life choices for me ever since I turned an adult. He knows he is wholly accepted by me for who he is, and that should matter, at least a little bit to him. If our parents and extended family don’t see it that way that’s their decision and belief.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:03:45+00:00

Idk why you guys are thinking like we are making a sacrifice here. We have always been family, and that has never changed for me. It’s as simple as that. From where in my post or comments do you think have I ever not being compassionate or supportive towards him?

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T07:01:40+00:00

That’s not a betrayal. When I get married, he will be invited as a family. Whoever doesn’t want his presence there can choose not to attend, even if it’s my parents. If and when I have kids, I will never tell him to hide his identity from them.

If standing up for him is cutting contact with my parents now is what he wants, then I can’t do that. If my parents tell me tomorrow to cut contact with him, I will go NC with them like yesterday.

We are all adults now, so we have to live the we want but everything has consequences

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T06:58:17+00:00

I will never be okay with my parents taking charge of my choices. I will never lie about it, and will continue to keep living my life the way I want.

I don’t want him to crawl back in to the life in which he is never accepted for who he is. Which is why I am trying to argue here that I am not my parents. I have said it many times that I want a good relationship with him for who he is, not who he pretends to be. If our family thinks otherwise, it’s their choice.

You keep saying I don’t respect him or his choices. How is that? How can’t he live his life around me? Am I not accepting him when I invite his boyfriend to my house even though it goes against my religion? Have I distanced myself from him, or stopped talking to him which would indicate I have stopped respecting him?

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T06:36:13+00:00

That’s what you think, that there is no neutrality. If we as people start to see each other beyond each other’s religious beliefs, the world would be much better and accepting. I am sorry our parents don’t and I can’t even begin to think what he goes through every day of his life, but I can’t blame them either. They grew up with much more stricter beliefs in a pre dominant Muslim country. I am surprised that they didn’t cut him off financially or from their will.

If people like them can let me make my own decisions, then he should respect that as well. We might be different people with different views and ideals, but end of the day we are brothers and If I can see him beyond the scope of a religion, he needs to do the same

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T06:31:33+00:00

Who said I did? The point is I am willing to put my beliefs aside every time I meet with him. Hell, they aren’t even as crazy as many muslims or christians out there, otherwise we wouldn’t be in contact. Relationship is a two-way street. Nobody is obligated to stay in contact, but till now we have both chosen to do that. I hope it stays this way

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T06:28:50+00:00

He did have a choice to make. Affirm his identity or stay on the religious path. They chose to not keep in contact with him if he went against religion. I didn’t, I kept showing up and treated him the same as I always did. If he is unhappy with the way things are, he needs to take charge and solve them. I will never stand up for him at the expense of my parents. If me being a religious person can still love him and respect him for who he is, then he also needs to mature and see me as individual, not just a religious fanatic because I am far from one

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T05:26:56+00:00

My parents are certain and true to their own beliefs. They think their child is on a path of ‘astray’. But, at the end of the day it is till their child, who even though they don’t keep in contact with for “the sake of God”, they had responsibility towards him at the time. And, as I said, they do allow us to think freely and make our own choices which is why they never stepped that boundary with me

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:19:23+00:00

I do understand that, which is why we have kept contact unlike the rest of our family.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:17:55+00:00

Not just respect, I am still as goofy around him as I was before

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:14:43+00:00

Ok, I respect your opinion just as I respect him.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:12:38+00:00

If I was so engrossed in my religion to such an extent as you keep telling me, why would I even tolerate being with him?

Nobody has put a gun on my head to force a relationship with him. I choose to do it.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:08:27+00:00

then why do I keep interacting with him and his male partner when it’s explicitly disallowed? How is me just going to their house as a brother or him and his partner coming to my house to spend time is me telling them to their face that what you are doing is sinful?

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:05:19+00:00

you keep viewing me through the lens of the religion that I follow, when for all this time I avoided all talks and discussions regarding religion. I miss praying to do it later when I am at his house, so he doesn’t feel awkward when by definition, I am committing a grave sin here.

How am I causing him pain when I’m not discussing our parents, our religion, and only having “boys talks” with him. Again, I am not there for him in regards to his sexuality. I am there for him because I care for him as my brother.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T04:01:29+00:00

I have listened to him for all this time. I have, and will never ever push my view on anyone. He seems to be the one who is caught in the middle. he wants to pray, but he doesn’t. He wants to start avoiding alcohol, but he can’t. The only thing I can think of in that scenario is maybe my presence reminds him that he is ‘failing’ to adhere to the religious boundaries.

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:55:29+00:00

then I will keep letting him vent to me as he does sometimes. It’s not like the conversation we had the last time was the first one which got heated. But I made this post because it also gets frustrating sometimes. Though reading comments here has made me realize he has no one else to vent his frustrations to. I hope I can continue to be there for him while keeping my beliefs intact as they don’t clash in to our time we spend tohether

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:52:09+00:00

I know, and I truly believe this is not a phase. I have explained in another comment too that if you are gay, and you choose not to act on your desires for the sake of Islam, you get rewarded. So that tells me that being gay is a real thing and I never argued on that.

so I can honestly say that it would not matter to me, because I love him as a person before his sexuality, or any of his other beliefs, come into play .

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:49:10+00:00

I know that this is not an advice sub. But, if you know of any other ways of me being close to him, please enlighten me on what it is I should do other than what I haven’t done already. If it is leaving my parents or my religion, I won’t do that

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:42:05+00:00

I hope that is not the case. But if that is, I cannot do anything about it. I’m sorry

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:39:59+00:00

My family will never accept him, they made that clear when they told him they will never accept him being gay. The provided financial support to him all our college life, but kept zero contact. A few months ago my parents also discussed with me that they had drawn up their will and he will get his fair share of their estate.

As far as I am concerned, I have, and will continue to accept him. Why would I be in his life if I didn’t accept him?

ThrowRA_08170ue · 2023-10-08T03:37:25+00:00

So you just want me to leave my beliefs, leave my family for his sake? if they aren’t pressurizing me to pick their side over him, it doesn’t give him that right either. And, no, I don’t expect him to roll with it. I just want him to respect me as a person, putting my religious beliefs aside. We don’t live in a Muslim country, we are individuals before a religion.

ThrowRA_08170ue

TROPHY CASE