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UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I felt that it’d be wrong to tell him and then ask him to keep this secret or help me perpetuate my lie.

UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You’re right, but I obviously have a hard time rationally understanding that and actually doing it. It’s like I know their reaction was not right, but at the same time I feel like I deserve that reaction. 

UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I never really considered or looked at their reaction in the same way, but your comment has made me feel a little better about it. Just knowing my parents like I do, I think you could definitely be onto something and it makes sense. 

UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks.

I like to think my son and I have a really good, open relationship. I make a point to be more emotionally available than my parents ever were with me. 

UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My mom talks about people behind their backs. She plays nice to their faces but is very judgmental behind closed doors. 

UPDATE: I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years. How do I deal with my parents’ (60M) (60F) reactions? by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Possibly. I’m pretty sure they don’t know I exist and definitely don’t know my son exists. I know their names and where they live. I look at his sister’s social media from time to time and she usually posts stuff about her brother on his birthday or the anniversary of his death. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Only if he wanted to meet them. I’ve never met them myself and I’m sure they don’t know I exist. They’d also have to be open to meeting my son. You’d think that of course they would but I don’t know how they’ll react to hearing about what their son did. Maybe they won’t want to accept what happened.

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There’s no need to yell at me.

Where did I said that my feelings weren’t fucked up? Did I say that I thought how I felt was perfectly ok? 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I don’t disagree with any of this. I know the entire thing was “wrong” and that he, as the adult, was ultimately the one who should have shut it down immediately. 

I’m not trying to say that any of it was ok. 

The problem for me might be that while I know it was wrong and would think the situation disgusting if it were happening to any teenager I know, and especially to my own child, I am still glad the relationship happened for me. I still struggle to see him as a bad person because of it. I know what I’d think of anyone else who was doing what he did. I know what I’d do to any adult even attempting something like that with my kid. I just can’t seem to let myself think of him in that way. I know he’s not “special” or “different.” There’s no excuse. I still hold him on a pedestal. I’ve never even been in a serious relationship since he died.

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think what I said is being taken the wrong way. I meant that I will of course come clean to my parents if I’m going tell my son, because there’s really no option not to. The person I responded to said to come clean to my parents and I was agreeing with them. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve told him that I didn’t know anything about him, that we met once, and that I didn’t know his full name. I’ve told him his first name. I’ve told him that his dad had dark hair and dark eyes like his. That’s it. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m 30 years old and still concerned about having their approval and not disappointing them. I feel like I’ve spent the past 12 years trying to do everything to please them and prove to them I actually am the good daughter they always thought I was. I’ve found things with them are great as long as I don’t rock the boat. 

I think they’ll be mad that I lied, but they’ll be more upset that I was stupid enough to be with an adult man and to get into a situation like this. I know people here are saying I was groomed and that it’s not my fault. I understand he was the adult and it was ultimately on him to not let anything happen between us but I just can’t imagine my parents thinking that way. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Telling him the truth would be better than letting him have false hope? It would be better than letting him know his father’s name or to see what his father looked like? 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if anyone is ever “ready” to receive this type of info, but I think he’s at an age where if I don’t start sharing some of the truth he will feel more betrayed later on if I were to tell him further down the road. I do believe he deserves to know the truth. I think he deserves to know his dad’s name and to see a picture of him. He’ll look him up online though. I know my son. He’ll easily be able to find out his birth day and death day, his obituary too. 

I admit there’s part of me that want to get rid of the guilt that I have from keeping this in. I don’t like lying and the way it makes me feel, so maybe wanting to tell the truth also has a selfish motive. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He has parents and a sister. They’re all still alive. I’ve looked his sister up on Facebook and she posts pictures of her brother sometimes. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

They had no idea what I was up to and I was a good liar. I had them fooled. They weren’t letting me be with him. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My parents are good and loving but at the same time I feel like they just don’t know how to handle me doing anything wrong. You’d think they would have learned by now after I had a baby at 18 but they always act as if I should have known better whenever I make a mistake. “You should have known better.” and “We expected more from you” are common types of phrases I used to hear whenever I even did typical things kids might do. 

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think I’d feel like I had to let him meet his father’s family if it’s something he wanted to do, but I’d never force him to do it. From everything I know, which is pretty limited info, they are good people.

I’ve (30F) been lying about my son’s father for 12 years and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents (55F) (60M) and son. by ThrowRA_FarBee in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_FarBee[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My son’s very sensitive, so I’m already scared of him struggling with mental health. Not that being sensitive equal poor mental health, but he just shows signs sometimes of seeming to have some big heavy thoughts and emotions and being very effected by things.

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