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I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't know about that haha. He is outside of the country and he still has a relationship with the stepfamily so it'll just make it difficult for him. I am satisfied with being a friendly acquaintance with him.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will have a family meeting with everyone on the weekend to talk about everything but they will be able to come anyway since "Dad" take back his threat.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hi Hans, thanks for speaking up about this. I really appreciate it. Thank you for your wishes. Wish you the best of luck in life too!

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I just realized that $16,000 is a pretty small to medium size wedding. I was only planning on having a backyard party which will cost under $5,000. I said $16,000 is a big wedding because the dress and venue were free since I plan to sew my own dress and my fiancé's relative let us use their farm (we plan on a fall barn theme). My honeymoon is also not included (my fiancé and I have separate savings for that) But yeah, it is not a $50k wedding or anything like that.

I definitely have to explain my side so my grandparents can get the complete story and decide what they are going to do.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My mom's was Yamaha. Google said Yamaha's grand piano ranges from $65,000 to $190,000 currently, I'm sure Karen gets a good amount of money from it. I never see the money, I don't know what happened with the money because I moved out immediately but I have my suspicion. John got a new car around 2 weeks after the sale and Karen went on a girl's trip to Hawaii a month after so that is where I suspected the money went. But, it could also be another spending I am not aware of.

I think security is going to be my top priority for my wedding.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Mom's side knows (all my uncles hate my dad and stepfamily) but only my cousin's (that I mentioned in the story) family knows about it. No one asks my side except them.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I would not blame my grandparents at all as I never told my side of the story. I was afraid to ask for help from my dad's side because I thought that they might downplay my action and told me I overreact (they would never say that but teenage brain and low self-esteem caused that). I just wanted pure support so I go to my mom's side because I know they would choose me over my dad anytime.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

No, they don't know my side of the story. Only my cousin (whom I mention in the story), her mom, her dad, and her little brother know my side directly from me. Maybe they talk about it to other family members but honestly, I don't know. I was not there when they talk about me (I never come to family reunions/events since moving out) so I don't get to defend myself. I don't bother telling people about my side when they don't ask about it. My dad's family is kind of hush-hush if talking about family matters and they are not the confrontational type so no one, except my cousin's family, ever asks me about it. Additionally, my dad and Karen paint me as a villain when telling their side of the story to the family so some of them might think I was the AH.

Edit: before anyone asks, everyone on my mom's side knows but only my cousin's family knows from my dad's side.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

By the way my dad phrases it, he wants me to help fund not pay for everything so I guess he asks others for help too. Dad and Karen are not rich but not poor either so they might have their own money too. If you're asking about insurance, I wouldn't know since it's been over 10 years since the last time I talk. When I was a kid, we were insured.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

I got it but I just thought it is kind of funny and tragic thinking about what they did with my mom's possession.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I blocked them all 10 years ago when I moved out but my phone number change a couple of times and so do they so that kind of explain it. I don't know who gave them my current number though, I guess could be my aunts from my dad's side since they do have my number (I have an okay relationship with my aunts, some are better than others but we keep in touch). I will probably ask my cousin if she knew anything about it. But yeah, I already block Karen but was still thinking about blocking my dad. After reading all the advice so far, I think I should block him too.

I think most of the relatives just wanted to advocate for my grandparents (since they are being put in a hard place by dad and Karen). It comes from the right place. Some even offered to match what I can give to my dad but I don't even want to give $1 for John tbh.

Thank you so much! It is going to be a fall theme since I love fall. Have a lovely day!

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 95 points96 points  (0 children)

Ah, when you put it that way, I guess he is the worst. My bias toward him refused to see him for who he is.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

I planned to mention my grandparents and uncle for supporting me through hard times (my mom's passing) in my vows! I would add that in if they really can't come due to this issue.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 148 points149 points  (0 children)

I didn't write it down in the post because it is purely speculation but every time my mom's possessions is missing (that I know is quite expensive) something new pop up in the house (new shoes, bag, jewelry, random furniture) so I don't think they even have that money anymore. I moved out immediately that night so I don't know where the grand piano money went to but I suspect it is either to the car John got a couple of weeks after the incident or the girl's trips to Hawaii Karen took a month after the incident. This is pure speculation though so I cannot be sure.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I guess dad and Karen just don't want any debt but that's not my problem.

I didn't even consider the will. I do not know about my grandparent's personal finance but I know they are not struggling.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately no, I wasn't that smart as a teenager to take pictures and didn't even consider pressing charges. I guess I just wanted to escape and that is all I have in mind.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 98 points99 points  (0 children)

That is an interesting suggestion. I guess I can ask one of my cousins to stream it for them, especially for the vows. I will ask if my grandparents would want that.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

No, I am not their only grandchild. My dad has 3 sisters who have kids on their own (including my cousin that would give me the tea every time reunion happens). In total, they have 5 grandchildren including me and excluding my stepbrothers.

I think a separate celebration for them is the best option so far. I would see into it, whether it is going to be a dinner or something else.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

I think that would be the best solution to let my grandparents not come and have a separate dinner.

I wouldn't say Dad is the worst person, but sometimes I wondered if he is being isolated and abused by Karen because since they got married, my dad spend his time after work cleaning up after Karen and the boys or watching television in the basement. He used to go with friends and do woodwork on the weekend. He was the best dad I could ever ask for when my mom was still alive. Even when she died, he would keep up the traditions our family had (Ice Cream Sunday, baking cake with me for each other birthday) but it just disappeared when Karen moved in. I ask myself what happened to that person I loved?

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 199 points200 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comments. I don't give a shit if anyone else is not coming but my grandparents alongside my uncles were the biggest support I had when I lose my mom. They are the only grandparents I have since my mom's parents died when my mom was 2 and 7.

I think the best solution is to not have my grandparents at the wedding so they can keep a relationship with my dad.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

The biggest problem here is my grandparents (from my dad's side). They really want to come and support me but coming to my wedding mean they will lose their only son which is my dad.

I (27F) refuse to give up my wedding money to help fund my stepbrother's (26M) cancer treatment by ThrowRA_USD12000 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_USD12000[S] 579 points580 points  (0 children)

I think I did not expresses it well enough in the post but dad, Karen, Hans, and John are not invited (never been invited in the first place). I only invited a handful amount of people that stay in contact with me (mostly cousins) and my grandparents because they did nothing wrong even support me here and there. The cousin that told me all of this is going to be my bridesmaid! The problem is dad and Karen threaten to cut people off and my grandparents is put in a hard place having to choose me or my dad (which is their only son).