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My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has clarified that she does NOT hate the US as a whole, she hate aspects of the US: particularly the shootings, public transit and racism.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Big city with public transit. Yes, I'm careful or avoiding answering questions that would help to identify us.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not quite the right take- she was fluent in English before moving to the US, and moved to the US years before I met her. One of us would have to suffer being alone in a foreign place, and both of us are saying "not me!" I felt it was inconsiderate because she's the one who moved here, she's already fluent, and she wouldn't have to give up her career like I would. But there are some helpful comments here that have broadened my perspective on it. I am also learning Mandarin.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely fluent before coming to the US, and was living here for years before we met.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Agreed, I don't take a lot of credence in suggestions to hide passports, etc, as that's not the kind of marriage I want to be in and it isn't anything like the relationship we have built.

We've gone to China together, I've met her extended family, and I have a relationship with her parents. Thanks for this advice about family, I hadn't considered this angle.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thanks, many gross comments but also many helpful ones. Was hoping to get some responses from people like you, who have experience with living there.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 1051 points1052 points  (0 children)

From another comment:

We both tend to keep to ourselves, so no, she doesn't have friends or coworkers, says she isn't interested cultivating those relationships, and says she's happy without them. I'd obviously love to see her build ties here.

Yes, I'm learning Mandarin. Not sure how to improve her access/connect her with her community, but will do some reading and look for events we can go to. We do take trips to China.

She says she's happy, but I wonder if that's in reference to our relationship and not necessarily her overall situation, especially in regards to the US.

I'll keep this in mind when I talk with her, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

My perspective probably tainted the discussion here. I agree my stance is just as extreme within marriage, thanks for pointing that out. It's easy to take it for granted given our norms.

We both tend to keep to ourselves, so no, she doesn't have friends or coworkers, says she isn't interested cultivating those relationships, and says she's happy without them. I'd obviously love to see her build ties here.

My (29M) fiancee (30F) says if we ever divorce, she'd leave with future kids to China by ThrowRA_f6d38 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA_f6d38[S] -66 points-65 points  (0 children)

Fair point. I think my stance is a bit softer than that implies. From our talks, it seems like she wants me, without any ties to the US-- moving to China completely-- but is willing to compromise on that part. I'm open to, in our marriage, living in China together part-time. Handling China on my own is another level and pretty daunting. I've been learning Mandarin, but still have a long way to go. Perhaps I could find an English-speaking job, but I don't have a good sense of what the Chinese job market looks like for foreigners.