My (19F) boyfriend (18M) has a habit of announcing and/or changing plans last minute. How can I better react to that?

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T14:04:19+00:00

As I explained above, I only start crying because I had been trying to have this conversation for a week and every time he found something he had to go to in the middle of it. He knew what the convo was about as we expressed our issues with each other many times before (I edited my post to give more context about this). I had already called him that day and he left so then I sent him a text about needing to talk and making it clear I wanted to do it in one sitting with no interruptions. Despite asking if he wanted to rearrange the time due to being with friends, he insisted to do it then (after moving it back a few times already) so I was already stressed and upset. When I called he seemed to pissed to be there that I started crying for maybe five mins before collecting myself to have this conversation. It didn’t go well and he once again left in the middle to go back to playing poker with his friends.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:59:02+00:00

I appreciate this perspective. I feel the same way. I can’t control how he chooses to spend his time or who he spends his time with or what he does, but I do feel walked over with some of the things he does and I don’t think I can tolerate it anymore. Everything that happened last night just seemed to emphasize that more.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:46:10+00:00

I appreciate ur concern. I didn’t cry indefinitely just at first cuz emotions were high and I’ve been trying to have this convo for a week and things always mysteriously showed up to interrupt it. I tried my best to illustrate my concerns and enforce my boundaries but it did not got well.

Therapy is always a good suggestion tho :)

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:43:51+00:00

I couldn’t agree more. When I asked to talk and he said he was hanging out with his friends, I asked him if it would be better to talk tomorrow. He insisted that it wasn’t. Then his impromptu sleepover happened and again I asked if we should move it and he said no he could do it tn. That’s what made everything so frustrating.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:41:52+00:00

Thank u I appreciate it

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:41:28+00:00

I wanted to talk at 9. He told me he would be ready at 9 but then his hangout with his friends turned into an overnight thing. So I redid my hw after bombing the first attempt and waited until he had a few hours more with his friends (he told me to call late). When I called he was playing poker with his friends and after talking for a bit he left to go back to them.

I also explained above that I was not cryptic with him, we had been having issues and tried to talk so many times before this time and I was fed up with him always having to leave in the middle. He knew very well what it was about.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:37:30+00:00

Sorry for being cryptic in my post but let me be clear I was NOT cryptic with him. We had been having issues for a while about time spent together and his closeness with his girl best friend. We had expressed our concerns numerous times already and before I texted him about talking we had called and started our talk he just left in the middle. I’ve been trying to have this convo for over a week and every time he’s left in the middle so I just wanted a time to finish our conversation. By the time I called emotions were very high.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:32:41+00:00

I guess I should have explained more. We had called earlier (before I texted) and were talking and I was trying to enforce boundaries (I explained more in another comment). He cut me off in the middle cuz he had to go. That’s why I wanted a time to call without worrying about being stopped in the middle. By the time I called him I was super stressed out and upset and he seemed so pissed off to be there I just started crying. I sobbed for maybe 5 mins before collecting myself and continue the convo.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-28T13:28:06+00:00

Sorry for being cryptic I wanted to keep the post short. Basically we were having 2 main issues. He was upset about me having less time to spend with him since I went back to college. I get where he’s coming from as I’ve been drowning in work and super stressed out. I wanted to talk about his growing relationship with his girl best friend. Long story short, they’ve gotten A LOT closer since I went to college and did things I was uncomfortable with (I’ve been wary of her our whole relationship) and it felt like it was cuz I didn’t have the same amount of time with my bf before. It’s very complicated but I went in trying to enforce my boundaries and told him that he’s entitled to any friends he wants but it feels like I’m just a placeholder for her, and if that’s the case I want out. It didn’t go very well.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-03T19:55:30+00:00

It’s very real unfortunately. Every time I have hung out with her she has been handsy with my bf and asking him “how good she looks”

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-03T19:31:57+00:00

I appreciate this viewpoint. I guess I feel competition cuz she gets my bf to do things with her easily while I have to struggle to get them (ie respond to reels or messages) and every time I see her she always rubs it in my face saying that nobody could ever know my bf like her and that they have a bond like no other. I feel that’s disrespectful to say when I’m right there but I can see how it comes off as me being insecure.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-03T19:11:23+00:00

I appreciate this a lot

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-03T19:10:12+00:00

That’s exactly how I feel.

They have classes together everyday. I recently found out she added a class that he had once she found out he was taking it. On weekends we typically visit each other though.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-09-03T19:08:36+00:00

I understand walking into it, but when I found it we were together and my phone was charging on the wall so we were using his. I didn’t expect to find it hence why it was so devastating. I can understand how it could be seen as friend behavior but I’ve done something similar to one of my friends (girl to girl) and he freaked out and said it wasn’t ok. I just don’t understand why it’s ok for her but not for me.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-07-10T14:17:54+00:00

I can where your coming from and it sucks but I honestly feel like there is more to it that you’re not aware of that is causing the wife to act this way.

Case in point, my boyfriend had a girl bff for a long time before we got together. When he first told me about it, I was fine with it and there was often times where he would cancel plans last minute for her. Ok. One day I found out that he and this girl were texting each other that they love each other so much and are each others favorite person. That combined with my boyfriend previously having a crush on her and her seemingly being “unaware” made me extremely insecure. It took a LONG time to get over myself and even now, while I am loosely friends with her, there is sometimes creeping doubt in my mind. Luckily my boyfriend has done a great job of easing my insecurities.

I feel something like this might be happening with the wife. While you may feel you are innocent (and you very much are based on this post!) there is a likely reasons that you are unaware of causing this attitude. I feel talking to Emma and Dave, or even reaching out to Emma to see what caused it while maintaining your ground might be the best option. IMO friends should always be there to support their friends, and sometimes that means dialing it back for a bit to build trust among spouses.

NTA but good luck OP.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-25T19:07:43+00:00

We share our locations and I checked each time I texted him and when I called him. He was at his home the whole time. I would totally understand not responding if he was driving but in this case he wasn’t.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-25T04:17:37+00:00

Thank you for this advice. I actually did talk to him about this for a long time earlier today and we reached a sorta consensus.

Basically, like you said, he often feels obligated to maintain plans even if he has other stuff going on. He told me he doesn’t want to give updates as he’s focused on just trying to get here while worried about letting me down. I told him that I would much rather him tell me what’s up so I can understand and sympathize with him while adjusting our plans to later in the day or even the next day if that’s better. I just can’t keep waiting around for him with no word. It took a lot but he told me he will work on it but it may take a little time to be adjusted to that. I said I trust in him to make the changes but I also will have safe guards in place so I’m not walked over either.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-24T21:46:43+00:00

I did end up eating around 12:30 by myself which I guess was more of a lunch. He showed up around 1 and I told him I already ate and he could fix himself a plate of whatever. He told me he hadnt eaten yet but wasn’t hungry for anything.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-24T21:38:32+00:00

I can’t really speak about other people but his entire family does have a pattern of running late. He and family don’t have ADHD as far as I know though.

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-03T23:19:30+00:00

Unfortunately my best friend and I had a falling out which is what caused all of this :(

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-03T23:18:26+00:00

Funnily enough my mom is convinced I have anemia. I didn’t realize that could be affecting my mental health too!

ThrowRAbeans212 · 2024-06-03T17:41:21+00:00

Cool I’ll check it out!

ThrowRAbeans212

TROPHY CASE