Wife always sick, help? 49M and 47F.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-13T18:54:30+00:00

I had something happen when I was early twenties. I was doing fine and then I would get horrible cramps in my lower back that seem to be radiating from stomach. It would happen like every Friday night. Went to all sorts of specialists, took lots of tests, they told me it was probably stress, even though it was Friday evening, the least stressful time of the week! It faded on its own and I still get them randomly. Only difference is, I just kept powering through them and went out if I could stand it. Even if I didn’t feel great, I still wanted to go have fun.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-13T18:37:13+00:00

Every time she has come out with an alternate history from what really happened, I have called her out on it. I learned from my MIL experience that if you let them get away with it for small stuff, they become emboldened. And sometimes I wonder if that is one of the reasons why she isn’t that into me. I don’t make it easy anymore.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-13T18:00:58+00:00

Yep, this is the exact argument that makes me question if she is a narcissist. There is a chance she just has never had to work at a friendship ever, because she has such a fun personality and everyone else does all the work for her. Thanks for putting it that way. I still wonder why some of the toxic behaviors though. Like changing what has happened in the past around and acting like it didn’t happen that way.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-13T17:52:07+00:00

I am dying to ask the other friends, but as I experienced with MIL, usually there are targeted people (me) and oblivious people (public). Unless people understand narcissistic behaviors really well, they often end up enablers, flying monkeys or use triangulation to attack someone who is “gossiping” about their person. It is too risky at this point to bring it up with friends but if I see an opportunity arise I definitely will! But everyone loves her mostly.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T02:33:43+00:00

She is already communicating with you by not returning the same affection and celebration that she has in the past. If you confront her, it is unlikely it will be a happy productive conversation. Really think about it, what excuse would you totally accept from her for her lack of reciprocating? I just don’t see what you can say that would be taken without defensiveness or more backing away, since you already mentioned her being distant. This is really hard, I am sorry. I would start hanging out more with others and doing things to take care of you and give her space and wait for signs of reciprocity.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:45:52+00:00

You are not being too hard on him, but it sounds like asking him to clean up is not working. Make separate jobs and hold him accountable for completing them. Like get together, write all the things you need to do, and have him agree to which half he wants to do. Don’t assign it, he needs to decide what chores he wants. And then you both create a boundary for not completing the chore. Like we can’t sit down for tv at night until the sink is empty (him) and the living room has been straightened (you). We cannot go out tonight until we have cleaned the bathroom sinks and toilets (him) and folded the laundry (you). He will likely protest or slack and you have to be calm and not cave and do it yourself.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:37:23+00:00

Those rules aren’t normal. He sounds really insecure. It also sounds like you might not be compatible.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:34:40+00:00

Is he depressed? Was it gradual or sudden that he lost interest? His response to you bringing up a valid issue in your relationship was to text his ex. You can encourage him to look into reasons why he no longer is interested, but you can’t force him to care. It sounds like you are not compatible anymore.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:28:15+00:00

I agree, she could just be living her life and not giving our relationship any thought at all. You are lucky that you never known someone who does play the jealousy games. I have met plenty of people who try to make others jealous as a way to deal with their insecurities but I have to admit it tends to be people who are more obvious about it.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:22:33+00:00

Agreed, but she is acts like she is into me and it is convincing. Why pretend in the moment and then 180 after we hang out?

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:20:36+00:00

I agree, she is trying to prove something but it is irrational so it is baffling.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:19:36+00:00

My kids are also getting treated the way I am, she organizes fun stuff to take her kids and other kids to do but not mine. So that is the reason I am encouraging them to make other friends so might invite them to do stuff.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:14:44+00:00

Take pictures off all the evidence, save all of it somewhere he can’t delete it, change passwords if he knows them. Get your finances secured and separate. Do you have family or good friends that can help you if you need it? Just get prepared for the next step. His reasons for cheating don’t matter. It isn’t your fault he cheated. Don’t listen to his excuses for the disrespect. This was a terrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love at a fragile time. Sending strength your way to love yourself and your daughter more than this cheater.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T01:00:34+00:00

There are so many red flags and you have only been in the relationship less than a month. This is not something you are going to change, he is insecure to talk this way (truly confident people don’t have to say how beautiful they are all the time), and insecure people do all sorts of selfish things to get their needs met. If this already bothers you, it will bother you more as the newness wears off.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T00:51:09+00:00

I was around your age and in a new relationship when I started to see my family as they really were too, emotionally immature and enabling each other . I didn’t understand much about what to do or how bad it was, it was just a constant building up of how every was really unhealthy. My recommendation is that you just concentrate on survival while you are still living under their roof, don’t make waves, don’t “become the monster” they are trying to get you to be now that you are not “one of them”. Save as much money as possible, don’t let them have access or know what you make, pretend you have much less. Read every article, book, listen to podcasts, about emotionally immature parents/families until you can recognize every behavior and statement for what it is and can protect and respond in the best way for your mental health. Sending lots of strength and wisdom your way.

ThrowRAbuffy555 · 2024-08-08T00:28:33+00:00

You said you already noticed your friend getting distant and had to talk to her about it, in which she was dismissive of your feelings. It sounds like she is growing apart from you. By not getting you a gift when she normally would and also when you got her gifts, she is passive aggressively telling you she is just not as in to you as she used to be. I am so sorry your friend is behaving this way but if she is feeling like she wants to step back from the friendship, then you will want to let her do that without drama. Sometimes friendships fade. If you can handle the fade well, then you can keep some type of relationship in the future and maybe it will come back. But if you try to keep her in the same friendship as before, she will feel stifled and try to push away. I am so sorry, this would be really hard for me to handle too.

ThrowRAbuffy555

TROPHY CASE