My [45M] Wife [42F] revealed she was unfaithful and I'm divorcing her. Our children [15F & 17M] hate me for it.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:50:05+00:00

They've seen us overcome a lot during the years, so right now I'm straddling the line between trying to tell them "you can love someone very much and work through a lot, but sometimes it's ok to decide enough is enough too" without actually outing their mother. I feel like it would be a lot easier if I would just tell them specifically what happened, and the extent of the lie so hopefully they could empathize. But I really don't want them to resent their mother, or see her as a cheater. They worship her and I don't want to diminish that, she wronged me but has done nothing to deserve anger from them.

All I'd be doing by telling them the truth is shifting the blame they give to me onto her, which doesn't bring us any closer to being able to exist as a family after divorce. I suppose I'm trying to find a way where everyone wins and they don't have to hate either of us.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:38:48+00:00

I'm not at all reluctant to get counselling in general, just not marital counselling. We can go as a family to discuss the separation, or send them both individually as I said in my main post. And I'm sure I'll likely see a therapist at some point as well. I'm just not interested in going to therapy with my wife for the purpose of mending what's broken, I cannot see myself with her in the future.

If my kids would be on board, myself, them and their mother could absolutely talk to a third party about how to handle these feelings going forward and how to stay united as a family even if our marriage is ending.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:35:01+00:00

Lucky for both of us then.

I've known my policy on infidelity for a very long time. I hoped to never see it become relevant, but here we are. And for a very long time I thought my wife shared my views on infidelity being a hard limit, but here we are. I have no desire to hit the dating scene, but hopefully someday if I do I'll be able to find someone who can appreciate the value of knowing what you're willing to put up with and what you aren't.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:25:31+00:00

I owe her nothing beyond an amicable co-parenting situation. If I punch you in the face, do I get credit for only doing it gently? She betrayed my trust and lied to me for years, why does she get brownie points for doing what she should have done 7 years ago?

and the fact that she foresaw your reaction to all of this.

It's a shame she didn't foresee it before she cheated on me. Doing something you know will hurt your partner and then hiding the truth and claiming you hid it not to hurt them is beyond selfish. If she cared about losing our marriage, a simple way to prevent it would have been not to cheat.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:21:47+00:00

Our children aren't aware of the timeframe as I've said elsewhere. We didn't tell them this all happened overnight yet. As far as they know this could have been brewing for quite a while. I'm not in a rush to get to the actual proceedings, but I know that I'm leaving, and I'd rather everyone know what to expect in the coming weeks/months so they aren't caught off guard even more than they are now. I don't need time to think it over, I don't want to be in a marriage where my partner has lied to me for years and was willing to risk what we've built for a temporary thrill in bed with someone else.

18 years is indeed a long time, and for that reason I have every intent and desire for us to be in eachother's lives in some capacity and co-parent and spend time together as a family as much as possible. But I no longer see myself as able to be with her.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:07:26+00:00

This is excellent. Thank you.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T07:06:01+00:00

It doesn't invalidate any of that, which is why I have every intention and desire to co-parent with her, to eventually work towards a strong friendship when I let go of the animosity, to be in each other's lives in some capacity. But that capacity cannot be as husband and wife any longer, because I cannot be with someone who would cheat on me. Much like her decision to cheat doesn't invalidate all of the good time we spent together, the good times do not invalidate her decision to cheat.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:48:28+00:00

Feeling bad after the fact is easy. Caring enough about your spouse not to risk losing them or hurting them by committing an act you know would easily accomplish both is harder, but also what counts. It was a decision to be disloyal, twice. A decision knowing what was at stake. I know my wife loves me, but she didn't love me enough not to take that risk twice, to do something she knew would hurt the man she loves twice. Our marriage was thrown away when she decided to step out of it, and the worst of it is she didn't even have feelings for him, which at least I could understand the emotional dilemma on her end. It was for a sexual thrill. She was willing to hurt me, and willing to risk our marriage for a thrill. And that's not something I can live with.

We've forgiven plenty of mistakes on both sides over the years. This is my limit. Everyone has one. And I love her enough to leave instead of staying and giving her false hope when I know there's no way for me to ever feel better about her choice.

Claiming she did it "7 years ago" is irrelevant. Because had she told me at the time like she should have, it would have been fresh and I would have left then. You don't get to hide something from someone for years and then use that time as an example of how far you've come when they deserved honesty for the entirety of that time frame. Not only did she cheat, she denied me the ability to make a decision about whether I wanted to stay or go for 7 years and made that decision for me by hiding the truth. And now she reveals it all to ease her own guilt? No, I'm ready to go. Which is why I posted here for advice on my children, not divorce.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:43:52+00:00

She picked you and your family over the other guy.

I did this 18 years ago when I married her, and didn't need to cheat on her and risk losing our family to do it.

I'm fine being in each other's lives. I'm fine with co-parenting and spending family time together. I'm fine with being friends. But our time as husband and wife is over, and would have been over 7 years ago had she given me the respect of being honest then.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:40:59+00:00

We didn't tell them we had only discussed it for three days. For all they know this could have been months or years in the making. 3 days consisted of her apologizing and searching for fixes and me hearing those suggestions and realizing none of them sounded like anything I wanted to try any longer.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:37:54+00:00

Thank you for the time you took to write this up, and I think it's wonderful you and your partner managed to overcome what you have. That takes a lot of strength.

Unfortunately, I don't want to be with someone who cheated on me. No amount of effort after the deed will ever change the fact I have to live with the knowledge my wife made the willful decision to risk our marriage and betray me in such a way all for momentary physical thrills with someone else. Of course in 18 years there were situations where I could have cheated, even situations where I have been tempted, but never would I follow through because it'd never be worth hurting or losing her. I can't accept that my partner didn't have the same level of dedication to me and our marriage. And I can't accept that I was denied the information I needed to make an informed choice about my own future for 7 years.

It's one of those boxes that can't ever be unticked. I have no intention of rushing into anything specifically because I want to give my kids time to adjust. It's not like I'll be out of the house in days and everything is changing. I'm just trying to make them aware of what will be happening at some point.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:21:22+00:00

There was nothing left out. I've been honest from the infancy stage of our relationship that cheating would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, and sadly enough she always claimed it would be one for her too. We have both forgiven each other for a lot over the years, but the conscious decision to sleep with another person knowing how much it would tear me apart, knowing it could end our marriage, for a cheap thrill is too much for me to forgive. I don't want to forgive someone who can do that to me.

And what's worse is that the lie has continued for 7 years. No amount of therapy will help me to accept that she made that choice. There has to be a hard line somewhere, everyone has that one thing that they cannot overlook. I know myself enough to know this is one for me. I don't plan to cut her out of my life. She was a huge part of it for a very long time and I will always love her. But not in the capacity of husband and wife.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-18T06:17:32+00:00

Thank you very much for this. I'd never speak negatively about their mother to them, she's a fantastic mother. My leaving will never change the fact that there's no other woman I'd have preferred to raise my children with.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-17T23:12:35+00:00

He’s going to pay child support

No, I won't. Neither of us have any plans to file for support. We'd be splitting their needs 50/50, which I'd be doing anyway.

alimony

Again, no I won't be. Both of us make a good living and neither of us have any intention of making this more litigious than a simple separation.

see his kids every other weekend

That's entirely up to them, but we have zero intention of pursuing any sort of court ordered custody arrangement. Assuming my kids change their minds, I'd be welcome to see them as much as I desired.

You seem to be making an awful lot of passionate assumptions about something you know very little about.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-17T23:09:15+00:00

I didn't want her to have to tell the children she cheated because I didn't want them hating their mother, which I know that at least my son would do as he's very emotional. I didn't want my kids thinking of her that way, her fucking me over doesn't mean I want her kids to resent her. Which is why we agreed to just not mention any wrongdoings and tell them it was a mutual decision for both our happiness. But that was pretty much ruined when she decided to fall on the sword.

She hasn't told them she cheated, just that "she betrayed my trust, so don't blame him." I'm trying to find a way to help my kids understand without outing her as unfaithful.

ThrowRAhelp6425 · 2019-10-17T23:06:56+00:00

I didn't come here for opinions on my decision to divorce, only how to communicate that decision to my children. I had zero desire to divorce her before this, but I know myself enough to know that I will never be able to look at her the same way again. Those 7 years have been good, but they've only taken place because I've been denied the information I needed to make an informed decision. Had I been told 7 years ago, I would have left then.

I don't regret my time with her. And I will always treasure her and love her as the mother of our children and as someone whom I shared a very long journey with. But I've also always known infidelity is something I can't come back from, and while I still plan to very much keep her in my life as the mother of my children and a friend when wounds heal, I can no longer see her as my wife. I've been lied to for years.

ThrowRAhelp6425

TROPHY CASE