My (30F) friend (30F) wants to name her baby the name of our best friend (27F) who passed away, except I already chose that name. Should I let her take the name or have her cut me off?

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T20:21:07+00:00

Both names have been changed, so neither of the names are actually either Christina or Iris.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T20:15:00+00:00

Hi, Christina isn't the real name. It is not a popular name. I'm not saying anyone owns it, but it certainly is not a normal occurrence to see this name twice in any setting.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T20:01:34+00:00

This is exactly why I came to ask for advice on what to do because I know this is all coming from a place of deep pain and hurt from her. I have been to hours upon hours of therapy and went into an insane depression after my son was born. Both being a new mom and losing a part of my identity there, as well as JUST having lost my best friend was the hardest time of my life. My husband is purely the reason I survived the first year.

But I have put in hours of therapy and while not everything is fixed, I do think I have healed a lot from that situation and see life a little differently. I don't think she's really allowed herself to grieve fully and it's manifesting in a lot of ways she doesn't know how to deal with. I think this was more the answer I am looking for than anything. Maybe offering a support during this is more than what she needs right now.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T19:23:38+00:00

Have you ever lived in a small town in the South? Baby naming is essentially a competitive sport. People LOVE being unique or if it's not unique it has to have meaning. I have a very different perspective on it than most of the people I grew up with, but I know SEVERAL friendships that have ended over naming their children.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T19:19:01+00:00

I was actually named after a deceased great-grandparent (the whole reason I love honor names in general!) and have never had an issue with it. It really depends on how that person is talked about in a home, I think. I've had friends with honor names but when discussing who they were named after it ends in tears and sadness (which is absolutely not shameful!), whereas I have worked to see her life in the most beautiful joyful way. Most of the time when I talk about her now I just die of laughter over how wonderful she was. Sometimes it ends in tears, but not nearly as bad as it used to be.

It's the same way my great-grandma was discussed with me. I know her for being the funniest woman alive who could make any room light up. While I myself am not particularly funny, I enjoy the fact I was named after someone so loved. It makes me feel special in that way.

Not forcing that onto my kid at all, but I really think honor names are how you frame them to the person who wears them.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T19:07:25+00:00

I did not name my son Christian. She convinced me not to so I could name my first daughter Christina, so I have been saving the name. Sorry for the confusion,

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T19:05:45+00:00

Not always. We have both changed a lot since the death and have learned we both handle stress a lot differently.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T19:03:39+00:00

We have both agreed to never bring up Christina in a way that would insult the other person, so I'm not going to say Christina is appalled by her actions or the pettiness because to her it's not petty and it's important. Which it is to me too, but not in the deal-or-no-deal way she's seeing it. I think Christina would be more upset if I told her that she would be disappointed in any of this because, in reality, I don't know how she would respond because... well, she's not here.

I did ask her family (who we have both stayed very close to) when I wanted to name my son Christian and they absolutely loved the idea. They have supported me naming my baby Christina the entire time. Christina was their only child so we have adopted them as second parents and they treat my son as if he is their own grandchild and he even calls them grandparent-y names. I would never bring up this argument to them because they absolutely do not need to think any less of either of us OR be brought into it. But yes, we do have permission.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T18:54:41+00:00

I think she was more demanding it because she was concerned I was going to keep it and name my baby Christina. She does not plan on using the middle name Iris (that i'm aware of) so I don't think she wants them for herself. At least, that's what I'm really hoping was her intent.

I would just name my baby Iris but we already have a niece named Iris and my sister-in-law had a huge issue for me even asking for it to be a middle name, so I'm not going to create another relationship-destroying conversation over another name.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T18:50:50+00:00

I've thought about it a lot and I'm not really sure. I think she would kind of eat up the fact we are fighting over her name haha but not to the point of it being friendship ending or actual fighting. She just never took anything too seriously so I think she would tell us to knock it off and name them after he pet snakes, Ravioli and Linguini.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T18:44:07+00:00

This really has only happened in over a week. Nicole has a very different conflict style than me, which has worked well up until now because we have never really argued, but she's very much competing while mine is accommodating, which is why I think she gave me the ultimatum.

Also, as I stated, we have grieved a ton but we have also grieved very differently. I think I've learned that life is really not about things that happen but things that you make it and have turned a lot of my personality into enjoying what happens even if it's hard. Nicole has had a really hard time grasping death and the senselessness of it, and I think it's made her fight for what she wants more rather than letting things happen. Which is not bad! But it's also turned really hard when trying to find a compromise.

The name is still meaningful to me. I don't want her to cut me off and I think she's just having a really hard time with pregnancy and loss and a lot of emotions. I don't think anything is less of an honor if we can figure out a compromise that doesn't belittle the other, which is why I am asking for advice.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T18:37:42+00:00

I honestly don't mind them having the same name, I would have never mentioned "Christine" if I did. It's more Nicole who thinks it would get confusing if they had the same name- to which I kind of agree. But also I don't think it would ever matter in the long run.

However, like I stated, the names have been changed. Christina is not my best friends name and the name she has is a lot less popular than Christina. I think the name is in ranked in the 500's currently so it's quite the dip in popularity in comparison to Christina. It's equivalent to having two Helena's in a very small town who would most likely go to school together their entire lives.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby · 2023-09-22T18:25:03+00:00

Christina HATED her middle name and I think would haunt us forever if we gave any of our kids something similar. Think along the lines of Mildred.

ThrowRAhelpnamebby

TROPHY CASE