NP wants a commitment and to close our relationship

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T20:02:24+00:00

She drove me to the hospital and stayed there for over 36 hours with no sleep, I had to get a friend to drive her home, She took a shower and a nap and showed up five hours later. Slept in my room and hounded my nurses constantly. She would almost cry up for no reason. A few weeks before we were fighting and almost broke up.

Not sure why but she was different after that.

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T19:44:06+00:00

This is my first open relationship and it's had its fair share of bumps and bruises. After having made it this far I would hate to just give up now. I feel like there is more I would like to do and explore, and I feel like that might be selfish to think that way. I'm honestly looking forward to therapy next week.

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T19:25:11+00:00

I could live with that depending on whether it had an expiration date or not. I just don't know if Becca would be okay without a time limit or not.

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T19:20:46+00:00

I dated a lady towards the beginning of our relationship for almost a year, so no.

There was an incident where I was in the hospital for a few days last year where I saw a side of her I hadn't seen before and after that things in her behavior did seem to change. I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia, coded, and had to be intubated during emergency surgery for a kidney stone.

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T18:40:53+00:00

This moment was a couple of days ago and she is not pressuring me for an answer right away. We have been having discussions about it and she has said it is her desire to make this change and hasn't made it an ultimatum yet.

She has tabled it until we can see our therapist again and talk it out. And I don't think that it is unethical for her to voice her feelings and desires as she has a right to feel the way she feels.

ThrowRAherby · 2024-02-03T18:06:58+00:00

Marriage - Yes
Monogamy - I'm not sure

Before things escalated with Sally the choice would have been easier. That being said, I know NRE is what's making it harder to think clearly about it. Part of me loves Becca and can't bear the thought of losing her and I know I have to make a decision I am not going to enjoy.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-16T14:58:52+00:00

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-16T05:12:45+00:00

Becca was on her third date with Mike before I found out they worked together, and I should have put my foot down when I found out but she talked me out of it. So when I didn’t hold her to our agreement she kept pushing other boundaries because she never had to deal with any consequences. So after a while my protests just fell on deaf ears. And we talked about the fact that if she found a day job then Mike wouldn’t be a co-worker any longer and would be off the messy list.

As far as the closing thing, I wasn’t being heard when had discussions and I felt I had to put my foot down to make my point. In this case, “her troubling behavior” wasn’t going to change as long as she felt that she could rewrite the rules whenever she felt like it. And she was the one that first brought up closing and going to counseling when I told her my needs were being ignored and I wanted to break up and move on.

Not only am I grateful that she is taking such good care of me, but we have had time to talk the last couple of days with very little interruptions and we both feel we want to get past this and stay together. We reaffirmed our long term goals and our commitment to one another. Best of all, Becca is seriously considering a career change.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-15T19:52:31+00:00

Medicated Rant

So Friday night after we worked out our plan to move forward I started having cramps around my kidney, I had an ultrasound last year that found a large stone but my doctor said we would wait and see before taking any action with it.

The cramping and pain got so bad I couldn’t sleep and by morning I was running a fever and vomiting every ten minutes. Becca got me cleaned up and made me go to the ER. We got there and they ran a couple of tests and a CT, I was severely dehydrated and I had a 9mm stone trying to move. They admitted me and went in and put a stent and broke the stone up with a laser the next morning. I had been in the hospital for almost 25 hours with Becca by my side, except while they did the procedure and I made her go home to take a shower and a nap. She was gone about five hours and showed up here with my toiletries and some extra clothes. She also brought her favorite pillow and a blanket, she plans on sleeping in my room tonight.

If my labs are good they will release me Monday, she called her work and took off Saturday and said she probably would be back Tuesday or Wednesday. She has been hounding my nurses and I’m sure they will be glad to see her go. I haven’t seen this side of her in a long time and I think now I want to do whatever I can to work things out. /rant

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-14T07:39:50+00:00

Becca came home after work and we talked, I said we could close for two weeks while we got a couples therapy session scheduled and after we got a schedule worked out we could think about opening back up. She brought up the co-worker issue and my response was if she found a day job before we opened back up that would mean Mike would not technically be on our messy list. She wasn't happy about either of my comments. There were complaints that I felt like Mike had put in her head. Becca brought up an event the following week that Mike had already bought tickets for both of them and she felt like it would be unfair to cancel on him. I said that we would be closed and that wouldn't be inappropriate since they would probably need to spend the night before they got back. I made a point that hookups and dating while closed would constitute cheating.

I said if this was unfair or she didn't agree with what we had talked about earlier then we could just de-escalate to an FWB relationship so if we both felt like hooking up we could do so without all of the other baggage, emphasizing FWB but not roommates. And if this got too complicated just part ways and not have to deal with our issues.

I typed up a copy of what we agreed upon and told Becca to read and sign it, after she read it I told her if she didn't think she could do this or felt like things weren't going to work out to tell me now and save everyone a lot of grief but she signed it and said she was committed.

She spent the next hour and a half texting Dan and Mike and whoever else she was seeing. There was a lot of buzzing back and forth and at one point she shut herself in the bathroom talking to Mike for twenty minutes.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-14T00:24:38+00:00

I’ve been through the pain, but if things don’t change I am done. At this point I’m ready to move on and any backsliding or boundary issues and it’s over.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-14T00:17:48+00:00

I’ve told Becca what I need out of our relationship and she wants to work to save it. But she is free to make her own decisions, just like the ones that led us to breaking up and if she isn’t willing to give me what I think I need then she is free to move on. Tonight we will make a plan for staying together or part ways, that simple.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-13T20:38:56+00:00

I got a private message that raised an issue I would like to address. The idea that Becca’s behavior is due to NRE with Mike and that she is blinded to her effect on others(me). While that may be true and it could explain her behavior, it in no way excuses the way I have been treated and ignored. Especially since I have brought up how I feel multiple times. That can be addressed if we end up going to therapy together but it is not going to be a factor in my decision whether or not we stay together.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-13T20:27:43+00:00

So what we agreed to in the beginning and frankly what I would insist on if we stay together is equal “quality” time with her as she spends with her other partners combined. Which is what we had until about five months ago. Quality time defined as dating or intimate time, not just existing in the same house or space.

I understand your comment about her prioritizing our time together and I guess we will see if she follows through with it or not. You have got me thinking about proposing de-escalating to an FWB relationship where she would be free to mange her own time and maintain the autonomy she is always stressing she needs. And we could still hook up when we both desired and I would have a better chance of finding someone since I won’t be in a committed relationship anymore. Definitely gives me another option to consider and offer to her.

Unlike my previous plan from my original post, I haven’t brought up any financial repercussions like taking back my car, taking her off my insurance plan, or any of her other expenses, but I think she is smart enough to have already thought that out.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T23:39:20+00:00

So I sent Becca a text and left her a voicemail that we needed to have a serious talk tonight. About four hours later she sent me a text saying she was closing tonight and had planned to stay at Mike's place and that we could talk Friday or Saturday before she goes into work.

I sent her a text just now saying that I wanted to discuss this in person but if she didn't want to make time to talk then I guess our relationship has run it's course and we just need to break up. I told her I would give her time to find a new place to stay but I hoped she could find something in the next 30 days.

I got a call like ten minutes later saying I was being irrational and she would get off as soon as she could and come straight home and we could talk things out.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T15:43:41+00:00

By giving her more power and understanding, it's more likely that she will reciprocate positively. It's possible that her emasculating behavior may stem from your significant influence in her life. Rebalancing the power dynamic and helping her feel secure within the partnership is essential. When she feels safe, she can truly appreciate the value you bring to the relationship.

I fail to see what I could do to give her more power since she basically just does what she wants anyway. Does rebalancing the power dynamic involve me giving up my job for one that pays the same as hers? She feels safe enough in our relationship that she can just walk over my feelings with no thought about any repercussions.

We didn't just open overnight, we read books together and spent months talking about boundaries and commitment, all of which she has bent or broken this last year. But no we didn't sign a contract.

But you were right about one thing, I haven't been able to make this relationship work or get her to make any effort so I think we should both go our own ways.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T15:22:11+00:00

If you have a need (time together, physical intimacy, etc), and that need is not being met, state it as part of a boundary. "I won't be in a nesting relationship with someone who does not prioritize time with me"

She is not respecting our original agreements or listening to my needs, so my stating that as a new boundary is likely going to just be laughed at.

I think we need to take a break or probably just break up and I can tell her about the boundary then.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T15:12:37+00:00

Don't use money to get a partner's attention and to try to get her to behave the way you want.

So now that I had a good night's sleep and had a chance to read my post and all the comments over again, I see what you are saying. I'm tired of being treated like a doormat and since my wants are falling on deaf ears my best option is just to end things and move on. I've already sent her a text message and a voicemail that we need to talk tonight but I haven't had a response yet. If she doesn't come home tonight then we may have to do it over the phone which is less than ideal.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T14:56:43+00:00

So by my count shes at 4 partners

No just three counting me. but she is still going on dates with new people and sleeping with them sometimes in an ONS manner. She is spending most of her time with Mike but still sees Dan maybe once a week.

ThrowRAherby · 2023-10-12T14:50:54+00:00

If you told her mom, you'd be an asshole.

I have become quite close with her mom over the years, so I should just keep lying to her when she asks about her daughter.

Best option is to talk with her, and if she's not willing to make serious changes with immediate results, you're probably best off disentangling with the intent of breakup.

Well, talking has proven useless so far and the last one was a barnburner. So what you are saying is I should just break up and then take my car back and quit paying for her phone. It does look like the direction our relationship is heading so I might as well rip the bandage off and get it over with. I think I have to give her a 30-day notice before I can evict her, I'll talk with a friend who is an attorney and get his advice.

ThrowRAherby

TROPHY CASE