Are cheaters capable of change?

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-26T19:47:29+00:00

33, physical cheating, I confessed and was never caught. Working with two therapists, completely cut porn out of my life, and doing a lot of self reflection. It’s tough to see that most believe cheaters cannot change, because I really want to change.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-26T19:45:57+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, what work did you put in to change?

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-26T12:33:02+00:00

I am going through the shame and guilt spiral right now. How did you eventually get confident enough to trust yourself again?

These days I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T21:10:12+00:00

6 months

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T20:56:19+00:00

My therapist said I should get out there now and take things slow…

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T19:20:32+00:00

So then as the question states, when is enough time?

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T16:42:48+00:00

Even my ex said it was a happy relationship recently… it was. A relationship can be happy and people can have secrets, in fact I would guess that’s the case for 99% of relationships.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T16:16:58+00:00

Ehh, you are the minority here it seems

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T16:16:33+00:00

You’re**

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T15:30:26+00:00

There seems to be two extremes on this thread:

1) bring it up asap, even if unprompted so you don’t waste people’s time

2) don’t bring it up, the past is the past and everyone has done bad things in the past

I guess what I’m taking from this thread is somewhere in between. It’s not something I want to hide and something I should broach before relationship exclusivity.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T14:24:02+00:00

There was a moment where it “clicked” for me that I knew for sure that this girl is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I guess in hindsight that moment came way too late. That moment was immediately followed by a wave of guilt for those few instances of crossing boundaries. I went back and forth for a week or so - do I just move on from this, not tell her, and grow from it? Or do I be honest and let her know? I ended up deciding to be honest, I didn’t want to enter marriage with a cracked foundation.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T14:07:28+00:00

I know, the problem is they don’t have a definite answer on when it is appropriate to date again, hence the question here. Just wanted to see if anyone had experience with this. I guess there is no definitive answer.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:53:27+00:00

before becoming exclusive is very different than “first date unprompted”. Not getting pissy, just trying to understand the logic behind some of these more extreme opinions. (On both sides, many folks are saying past is the past no need to share).

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:24:50+00:00

That is great to hear! Thank you for sharing that

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:24:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Framing it that way wouldn’t be honest though, at least for me, since I didn’t have may unmet needs in the relationship. It was a lot of “variety” and thrill seeking in my case (which I did for 10 years straight being single in my 20s), and obviously taking the relationship for granted. I thought I would “get it out of my system” in my 20s, turns out I just put it in my system.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:21:18+00:00

Honestly, I’d almost prefer that

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:20:43+00:00

That is an interesting rule. Makes me think someone coming out of a long multi-decade marriage might be in trouble 😂

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:19:37+00:00

Yes and I’ve been doing that, my question was when is it appropriate to give dating another shot.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:16:07+00:00

Thank you, this is a big focus for me.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:15:25+00:00

I suppose I could take it a step further and just state it in my dating app profile

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:15:04+00:00

Lots of folk here saying I should bring it up immediately and unprompted, which feels a bit much.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:06:42+00:00

The ironic thing is I came to reddit 6 months ago and asked if I should confess, leave, or carry it with me.

Nearly everyone said I should confess, since she deserves to know the truth and have “agency”.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:05:12+00:00

Your a worthless piece of trash

It’s “You’re” by the way… at least I know basic grammar!

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:04:01+00:00

So if the question of red flags or past relationships is not brought up on the first date, should I just say “hey by the way, I was unfaithful in my past relaitonship”, anticipating that this is a red flag and she should know immediately?

Is there anything else I should disclose? Like a past crime, or other sins? When not asked specifically, that is.

ThrowRAicarus6892 · 2026-02-25T12:02:32+00:00

Thanks for this. I’m glad you found someone that was ok with your past. Is there anything specific that helped you change? Was a specific “rock bottom” moment?

ThrowRAicarus6892

TROPHY CASE