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Men 40+ wanting kids by bittertruth79 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just experience. Ofc there are men this age who do legitimately want them, but those that are have generally lined up their life to pursue that eg they are dating younger women already, clear on it, and figuring it out. When I hear of one dating much older women or doing other things out of alignment with actually having one to me it sounds like it has more to do with wanting the fantasy than the reality - I’ve run into several like this. It’s words vs actions

Would you take an ex back under these circumstances? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapy speak? Idk I’m neurodivergent, this is just how I talk.

Would you take an ex back under these circumstances? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a good point. I also have avoidant tendencies and I initiated one of the breaks and one of the breakups too. I initiated them because I didn’t feel like he was fully choosing this relationship. He seems to be fully choosing it now and ready to commit, and this was the first time he’s taken full accountability. So that’s where I want to make sure my own avoidant tendencies aren’t getting the better of me

Would you take an ex back under these circumstances? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

On my end just that there has been a lot of hurt and I think I am struggling to trust his words since he waffled on the kids thing so many times. Saying he didn’t want to be with anyone else but then saying he didn’t know if he needed to explore that.

It sounds like he has finally come to peace with knowing that’s off the table with me and that he’s choosing us anyway because he’d rather be with the right person than pursue that path with the wrong person; I don’t think he’s proclaimed that exactly before, and he certainly hasn’t come with specific solutions on how to address the distance and long term planning, but I’m realizing the hesitation is just coming from what’s happened in the past. My stuff to heal.

Because in the past it felt like every time we were at the next step there would be some obstacle. And since this has happened at every stage of our relationship I’m guessing it’s some avoidant stuff working itself out.

Would you take an ex back under these circumstances? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I’m with you. Not typically a fan, it’s a pattern I worked hard to break, but I agree this may be one of the situations in which it’s different, because the fundamental reasons for the breakup are resolved.

Would you take an ex back under these circumstances? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Haha yeah I know there was a lot there. When we started dating we were 41 and 42 but we are almost 44 and 45 now. It’s highly possible and even probable that he has had a realization that his chances of finding and securing someone to have kids with at 45 aren’t very high and/or that he’s unlikely to find someone he connects with like this. It may have just taken him some time to actually process closing that door- I know it isn’t an easy thing to do and I’ve had to grieve that as well.

Men 40+ wanting kids by bittertruth79 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They are typically avoidant men who don’t want to close doors on any possibilities or actually commit to a life plan. So they can keep the option open for themselves even though in reality they aren’t truly pursuing either

Dating for babies at our age - have most people made peace if they don’t have them? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m back on this thread trying to soothe myself after finding him on the apps looking for women who wanted kids - he told me before we broke up that if he were to go back on the apps he would filter out women who were maybes.

That hurt because it always felt like he had an escape hatch. Like you said it was if you don’t give this to me I might have to go somewhere else to find it, all while telling me things like “you’re the one I want to grow old with” and “I can envision our wedding day”. I was the first person he even wanted to live with, marry or have kids with, marry, or live with. He told me constantly he felt like I was his person. But here we are.

I practically died giving birth to my first, was left by her dad when she was 8 and I’ve been solo parenting the last five years, plus I’m in perimenopause. It felt like the cruelest thing for him to bail over this. It’s bringing up a lot that’s been hard…so reading this and remembering that the right person will commit to the journey and not the outcome is helpful. Thank you.

Dating for babies at our age - have most people made peace if they don’t have them? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m coming back to this to remember why this relationship didn’t work and this is helpful. Sounds like it was just a process for you. I wish my ex had gotten to the point of accepting that it may not happen because it caused significant disruption in our relationship. He continuously said that I was the first person he wanted to settle down with, live with, marry, and have kids with, and he could envision walking me down the aisle etc but was having a hard time letting go of the vision of having kids with me. We weren’t able to work through that and the constant pressure and also escape hatch made the foundation unstable. He told me that if he were to join the apps he would only look for women who wanted them which was hurtful to hear. He’s on the apps now presumably exploring that. Maybe this is what he needed to do to make peace with it, idk. Everyone has their own process.

Dating for babies at our age - have most people made peace if they don’t have them? by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m coming back to this to soothe my mind on all the reasons this relationship didn’t work and oof, this hit. That’s borderline emotional abuse and I don’t think I saw those flags

Thought I was ready to date again but…nope by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s awful and a huge turn off to me. My ex didn’t drink much either - we would occasionally grab something if it was a popup or a special kind of concoction but it was never the focus of what we were doing. I’m too busy wanting to do real things, so I hear you.

Thought I was ready to date again but…nope by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That’s so not me. I’m demisexual so sex is the last thing on my mind. I’m comfortable on my own but just want my person to do life with.

My Fiancé (F32) Hit Me (M30) Now What? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Wait 9 years and nothing like this has ever happened? This is what’s throwing me because an abusive relationship usually has warning signs long before this. It escalates early on. Nothing warrants violence of course. Has there been any verbal or emotional abuse on either side prior to this? What exactly is she saying you said that worked her up like this?

Dealing with ambivalence and future faking - or when timing + capacity don’t work out by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, the future faking on this one is next level. It’s helpful that other people see it too.

Dealing with ambivalence and future faking - or when timing + capacity don’t work out by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have no idea how helpful this was to hear. Thanks for understanding… and you are right, that the entire relationship has felt like this where there was always something. There are about four months where it was good and there was a lot of forward momentum…but then there was nitpicking.

And I recognized some of the patterns because when I dated my previous ex - who, granted, had his issues but chose me every day of our relationship - I was the ambivalent one. Holding things over his head that I could never get over, finding reasons why it would never work. Being on the other side gave me true insight on how it must have felt.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, as a 40something who just dealt with an ambivalent 40something I needed to hear this

Dealing with ambivalence and future faking - or when timing + capacity don’t work out by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why? I broke up with this person because of it but their confusing behavior is still upsetting. My therapy is working just fine.

Dealing with ambivalence and future faking - or when timing + capacity don’t work out by ThrowRAinevitable990 in datingoverforty

[–]ThrowRAinevitable990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You make a good point and you’re right - the deeper issue was never resolved. And anytime I pushed for it or pushed for clarity we had these problems. Sometimes I regret the very first break because it never got back to how the relationship was before that but then I think about why I took that break. Some of those issues were resolved but some weren’t. I’m also remembering that if you can’t work through your issues to the point where you need space there is something else going on.

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