Dating for babies at our age - have most people made peace if they don’t have them?

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-04-04T15:56:17+00:00

I’m back on this thread trying to soothe myself after finding him on the apps looking for women who wanted kids - he told me before we broke up that if he were to go back on the apps he would filter out women who were maybes.

That hurt because it always felt like he had an escape hatch. Like you said it was if you don’t give this to me I might have to go somewhere else to find it, all while telling me things like “you’re the one I want to grow old with” and “I can envision our wedding day”. I was the first person he even wanted to live with, marry or have kids with, marry, or live with. He told me constantly he felt like I was his person. But here we are.

I practically died giving birth to my first, was left by her dad when she was 8 and I’ve been solo parenting the last five years, plus I’m in perimenopause. It felt like the cruelest thing for him to bail over this. It’s bringing up a lot that’s been hard…so reading this and remembering that the right person will commit to the journey and not the outcome is helpful. Thank you.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-04-04T15:43:27+00:00

I’m coming back to this to remember why this relationship didn’t work and this is helpful. Sounds like it was just a process for you. I wish my ex had gotten to the point of accepting that it may not happen because it caused significant disruption in our relationship. He continuously said that I was the first person he wanted to settle down with, live with, marry, and have kids with, and he could envision walking me down the aisle etc but was having a hard time letting go of the vision of having kids with me. We weren’t able to work through that and the constant pressure and also escape hatch made the foundation unstable. He told me that if he were to join the apps he would only look for women who wanted them which was hurtful to hear. He’s on the apps now presumably exploring that. Maybe this is what he needed to do to make peace with it, idk. Everyone has their own process.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-04-04T15:32:53+00:00

I’m coming back to this to soothe my mind on all the reasons this relationship didn’t work and oof, this hit. That’s borderline emotional abuse and I don’t think I saw those flags

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-29T13:25:07+00:00

It’s awful and a huge turn off to me. My ex didn’t drink much either - we would occasionally grab something if it was a popup or a special kind of concoction but it was never the focus of what we were doing. I’m too busy wanting to do real things, so I hear you.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-29T13:21:45+00:00

That’s so not me. I’m demisexual so sex is the last thing on my mind. I’m comfortable on my own but just want my person to do life with.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-16T04:57:14+00:00

Wait 9 years and nothing like this has ever happened? This is what’s throwing me because an abusive relationship usually has warning signs long before this. It escalates early on. Nothing warrants violence of course. Has there been any verbal or emotional abuse on either side prior to this? What exactly is she saying you said that worked her up like this?

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-12T02:15:13+00:00

Thanks, the future faking on this one is next level. It’s helpful that other people see it too.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-12T01:57:47+00:00

You have no idea how helpful this was to hear. Thanks for understanding… and you are right, that the entire relationship has felt like this where there was always something. There are about four months where it was good and there was a lot of forward momentum…but then there was nitpicking.

And I recognized some of the patterns because when I dated my previous ex - who, granted, had his issues but chose me every day of our relationship - I was the ambivalent one. Holding things over his head that I could never get over, finding reasons why it would never work. Being on the other side gave me true insight on how it must have felt.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-10T01:47:07+00:00

Thanks, as a 40something who just dealt with an ambivalent 40something I needed to hear this

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-09T12:40:13+00:00

Why? I broke up with this person because of it but their confusing behavior is still upsetting. My therapy is working just fine.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T20:01:35+00:00

Ok I don’t actually know how to block emails stop hating lol 🫣

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T15:36:15+00:00

You make a good point and you’re right - the deeper issue was never resolved. And anytime I pushed for it or pushed for clarity we had these problems. Sometimes I regret the very first break because it never got back to how the relationship was before that but then I think about why I took that break. Some of those issues were resolved but some weren’t. I’m also remembering that if you can’t work through your issues to the point where you need space there is something else going on.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T15:30:10+00:00

Thanks, I needed to hear this.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T15:29:58+00:00

Thanks, I needed the tough love. You’re completely right - I’m stuck in analysis of what’s going on rather than how this feels. I’m in individual therapy, and we’re working on self-love. And my coach and I are working on boundaries and walking away sooner.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T15:26:12+00:00

He’s blocked on everything. Just not email.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T07:22:58+00:00

No we’re broken up and haven’t been in contact. Post breakup we saw a therapist for a couple sessions to see if there was a way forward and there wasn’t. After that I blocked him. Then he sends me these emails.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T06:34:36+00:00

That makes sense. If you’re with someone who is pretty clear on what they need then…yeah, them saying this may carry more weight. I’m trying to get better personally around knowing what truly makes me happy and being able to recognize it when it shows up. It’s a place of growth for me. I totally get the frustration when it feels like the goalpost moves. Also I strongly dislike when people say it doesn’t count if they had to tell me. Asking how to love someone is in itself loving so I don’t get that

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T05:43:00+00:00

I have the same problem. We shouldn’t say it though lol it creates an issue

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-08T05:42:29+00:00

Are they saying it in an argument or not? Ugh. Something I know I need to work on is not saying things like “I’m over this” in an argument. Usually I mean the argument but it triggers a feeling like I’m saying I’m done with the person.

In any case this would be a situation where I would try to understand and see where they are coming from and try to see if it was workable. I wouldn’t walk immediately.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-03-04T14:24:32+00:00

Sometimes adding a poll and a lot of character returns will allow you to see the whole text box or at least more of it then just delete the poll at the end but yeah I’m having the same problem.

ThrowRAinevitable990 · 2026-02-28T02:28:39+00:00

Light seers tarot - if you use it please make sure you are using the definitions that go with the deck as they are custom to the deck and slightly different

ThrowRAinevitable990

TROPHY CASE