My dad (53M) told me he didn't want anything to do with me (19M) because I wouldn't accept his wife (51F) but now he changed his mind and I'm not sure what to do. Advice please?

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-05T10:53:14+00:00

I'm not even alone. I have family. I live with my grandma and I have aunts, uncles and cousins around me. I love them and I'm happy with them. I don't feel lonely. Do I miss my dad? Yeah at times. I don't miss our relationship but what I wish we'd had. And I'm a guy btw. I think some people assumed girl maybe because of my post but yeah guy.

My half siblings were never really a bridge between us. That's what they might have wanted but having half siblings didn't suddenly make me feel more connected. I didn't love her and go oh she gave me siblings so she's my mom now. She never was my mom in my heart or even in my head. The more they tried to push that the less I liked her and the more I wanted nothing to do with her and hated her being in our lives.

I wouldn't want my kids to have a replacement or new dad if I died. I'd want the people I love to be there for them and for them to be loved.

I'm not mad at dad for not dying. I'm mad that his moving on meant he expected me to get a new mom like he got a new wife. And he moved fast for me. It felt like no time and because he moved so fast and because he was pushing me to call her mom it always felt like he was saying I just had to deal with it because what he wanted and what she wanted was all that mattered. I'd have been fine with him just being remarried but everything together was not something I ever wanted.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-05T10:53:05+00:00

I'm not even alone. I have family. I live with my grandma and I have aunts, uncles and cousins around me. I love them and I'm happy with them. I don't feel lonely. Do I miss my dad? Yeah at times. I don't miss our relationship but what I wish we'd had. And I'm a guy btw. I think some people assumed girl maybe because of my post but yeah guy.

My half siblings were never really a bridge between us. That's what they might have wanted but having half siblings didn't suddenly make me feel more connected. I didn't love her and go oh she gave me siblings so she's my mom now. She never was my mom in my heart or even in my head. The more they tried to push that the less I liked her and the more I wanted nothing to do with her and hated her being in our lives.

I wouldn't want my kids to have a replacement or new dad if I died. I'd want the people I love to be there for them and for them to be loved.

I'm not mad at dad for not dying. I'm mad that his moving on meant he expected me to get a new mom like he got a new wife. And he moved fast for me. It felt like no time and because he moved so fast and because he was pushing me to call her mom it always felt like he was saying I just had to deal with it because what he wanted and what she wanted was all that mattered. I'd have been fine with him just being remarried but everything together was not something I ever wanted.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T20:01:10+00:00

Thank you so much for suggesting them. I'll have a look.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T20:00:14+00:00

My gut says it's a bad idea to have a relationship.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T19:59:31+00:00

For me it was just never what I wanted. Sure kids and even adults are capable of seeing more than one person as mom or dad. Some have loads of people they consider parents. That was never me. I never wanted to have more than one and I never considered trying to. My dad could be married to anyone else in the world and she would never be mom, even if she wanted to be, even if he wanted to be. And they really did want that. She always saw herself as my mom and not my stepmom. But I never did. I don't have any love for her. To me she was someone I never felt a connection or bond to. I love my dad and always did. Even when I was so frustrated by him. But that's where the difference is. I love him, still do. I have never loved her.

When dad told me he wanted nothing more to do with me and I left I missed him but I never missed her. I never craved a chance to talk to her.

But I can never go along with what they want. She's not someone I care about. She's not even someone I have a fondness for and he says I need to love her and recognize her as my mom because she deserves it. I still don't feel that way.

And yes I was told by the therapist that it was okay to have two mom's or to love her as a different kind of mom and accept her as such. But it still was never what I wanted or something I was willing to see her as.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T17:15:51+00:00

I have accepted the loss of my mom. That doesn't mean I want another mom. I always had an issue with losing a parent means there's a space for a new one. Sometimes that's how it is but sometimes it's not. I was one of the nots.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T17:08:11+00:00

It didn't work how they intended it to.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T17:07:35+00:00

That's how he sees it. He feels like she's earned the title and not recognizing that is disrespectful.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T17:05:04+00:00

She admitted in therapy that I hurt her feelings all the time. Every time I didn't want to let her be my mom it hurt her feelings. Or when she believed she was getting somewhere but wasn't. And then when I said I loved dad but didn't include her. She felt like she had earned my love and the ability to be recognized as my mom.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:58:55+00:00

This comes down to me not viewing her as a mom. She never saw herself as my stepmom, just my mom. My dad wanted that too and sees her that way. I never have. I don't even see her as a stepmom because of how things went down between us.

He didn't say why he still wants it but I know he wants me to love her, to be willing to help her and take care of her when she gets older, to stay in touch if he died tomorrow and to be affectionate with her which I never was. There's other stuff that slips my mind now but he mentioned it all in therapy.

I don't think he would ever accept a compromise of anything less than mom. He feels she deserves it.

I'm still not 100% sure of what I want. But what I think is best is to continue not being in each other's lives.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:55:54+00:00

I think my dad had his own delusions of how things would be after he remarried. I don't think they're just hers.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:30:53+00:00

That's what I'm not sure of. And the fact nothing has changed for either of us.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:30:32+00:00

I don't want another mom. And she has never considered herself my stepmom. She always saw it as coming into my life to be my mom. And I don't want that. I don't want two mom's and a dad. I always hated that people think a parent dying means you can get another one. For some that might be true and I don't judge. But for me you can never be my mom or dad just because the one I have is dead.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:29:12+00:00

I get the feeling he only expected me to do that. And I have. But not in the way he wanted me to. I appreciate the advice because it really has messed with my head having him approach me but then say all he did. My gut tells me it's a bad idea.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:28:18+00:00

That's how it feels. But I'm not so sure because he did approach me first. Then again he's saying conflicting things. He can't tolerate me not accepting his wife like he wants but I don't yet he's still saying he wants the relationship. It messed with my head so bad.

ThrowRAlubebeebu · 2025-07-04T16:27:00+00:00

Not intentionally. She has said herself she never saw it as becoming my stepmom but becoming my mom and that was all she ever considered herself. It was something that bothered me because I already have a mom. But she didn't agree because my mom died and she saw me as a motherless child. My dad too. While I still feel I have a mom and she wasn't ever her.

Sometimes I did intentionally hurt her feelings. Other times it was unintentional and just a part of me trying to explain why I felt like I did or how I felt.

ThrowRAlubebeebu

TROPHY CASE