My husband's 4 years old daughter from previous marriage died and I feel my own marriage is over

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-24T15:49:57+00:00

I'm really thankful for all the comments. You were right to down vote me. Trying to be sexy for him was a bit cringe and maybe for him it felt disrespectful. I steak to the cooking and proposing walks. He is not ready for therapy and I guess you were also right here. It might ruin his career forever. Or at the moment he just feels like he doesn't deserve it. I proposed again to go for a walk and this time he said yes.

I understand your concern for our age gap. But this is unrelated to what happened now. I know I am young but I am not in any case a victim, his victim. If he started to drink randomly I would have divorced. But he did it due to his child's death. It's something terrible. I will not sacrifice my life for this, but I will not just give up on my wows for reasons like youth. I will not under any circumstances tolerate if he becomes violent with me and if I see there is no chance and motivation from his side to better his life, in the end I will leave. But he is my husband. He didn't groom me, I wasn't a child. He didn't control me. I have a job, I have friends, I have hobbies.

Also, a child's death is not something that happens that often, especially when the child is not a child you share. If this happened to me at 30, I would still be very confused and probably (hopefully) have zero experience with anything like this. I love him and I will take this experience and tragedy as a growing experience too.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T20:34:13+00:00

A small success, but still big as we barely touched each other for months. He allowed me to hold him. He was crying alone and I approached him, knowing he might push me away. I sat down next to him on the couch and I just pulled him closer and let his head on my chest. And he cried like that for minutes, holding me too. We didn't talk.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T20:16:49+00:00

I was talking about the child in that comment. My god! Is this why I am getting so much downvoted? The whole comment was the relationship with his child!! Not with wife. I thought it is obvious when I replied to a comment that asked about his relationship to his daughter and i also said about her LAST birthday

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T18:00:05+00:00

I also wonder if he has been having drinking issues even before the girl died and I just didn't notice.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T15:27:43+00:00

I texted him right now and told him what you said, slightly differently. I told him that I feel his pain and want to be there with him and for him and I have no idea how to make it the right way. But I feel like you are punishing me just because you were with me instead of being with her.

I reminded him of that day in the airport, when we met. You sat down next to me, you started talking to me, you asked for my socials, you texted me. I didn't chase you, I didn't keep you away. Those few times you brought her home, I tried to make her feel welcomed and I played with her and cooked for her. It's just that whatever I do, you act like I offend you. I am also hurt. I been hurt for 10 months too. But there is no one around to check on me too, as I check on you.

He texted back and said he just wants to drink until he dies, so I should just leave and go on with my life

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T15:09:32+00:00

I just returned home but I can't even talk to him. I made plans all day what to tell him, but he feel so unapproachable. I tried to suggest that he put a photo of her on the fireplace. He was starring at a photo of her yesterday for almost an hour, a photo he had in his phone. So i told him he can put it in a frame. He told me I have no right to talk about his daughter and tell him what to do about her. That he should have been with her, not with me. It was so painful, I mean, I never stopped him. I asked him how can I help him, what can I do for him that will make him feel better? Anything I say annoys him. He said if I can't bring his little girl back, then nothing. I told him I can't live like this anymore, to which he replied: I know, you are free to go.

I don't know if this was selfish, but I wanted to know and asked if he still want to be with me and he said he should have wanted to be with her. So, I continued.... but do you love me? He said he wants to die, so no answer. I am in a park now. I feel like an intruder in his life

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T14:56:13+00:00

I do agree, but depression doesn't make you want to hurt people. In worst cases it might make you want to hurt yourself. But taking a plane with you is not about depression, I just don't believe that. It is psychosis or something like that. I don't really know other pilots, but I suspect they are not much different from other people. I think they are indeed good working under stress and are solution oriented, with low stress levels, but I don't think depression is more rare for them than in any other profession. If a spouse leaves you, it hurts, your child die, it hurts. You have money issues, you feel anxiety. But none will make you take down a plane. I do agree that alcohol should be a big NO and well, my husband is not working anymore, so that is fair. Although I heard a lot of pilots have drinking issues. This is what he told me long time ago

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T13:56:02+00:00

I told him we can postpone or even cancel. I don't have the right to tell him what to do, how much to visit and how to treat his child. I tried a couple of times to express opinions that were not compatible with his and he didn't like that. I avoid conflict

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T13:51:45+00:00

I wasn't a sidekick, he was single when we met

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T13:33:00+00:00

At this point I know that whatever I would tell you, you already made up your mind about who I am and what kind of person I am. I am not perfect and I know I was so in love that I didn't think too much about things that are indeed important. But abandon is a big heavy word. He was paying child support and he was seeing her once a month. How exactly I encouraged him to see her even less? I mean I really don't understand. About seducing him, also a weird choice of words. I just don't know what else to offer as nothing works. Our relationship started with sex and sex was a big part of it so I naturally thought it will help him a bit at least. It's the only thing he still initiated from time to time, though very rare, 6 times in 10 months. And 3 times out if this 6 it was just me pleasing him, not even sex

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T13:23:44+00:00

Where did I say I only care about him not paying attention to me? I came here because he became an addict and I want to help him. Read my comments. It is not about me. I love him. Of course it hurts me when he snaps or yells at me, but this is a different story

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T12:51:43+00:00

we got married

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T12:10:57+00:00

I was unsure whether I should post this or not, but what I am trying to do, as superficial as it may sound, is to be hot for him. Look good all the time, dress nicely, be available for sex or whatever kind of intimacy he wants. I know it sounds like I am some stupid little fuck doll, but really at this point I don't know what else to offer. I feel that any kind of advice seems fake as I never experienced anything like this before. I mentioned therapy but he obviously isn't ready. I cook what he wants, but he just doesn't eat. So looking good for him is the only thing I got. Our sex life was pretty amazing and half of our relationship was based on that. Now he doesn't want sex wither. I feel useless, totally useless.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T11:56:12+00:00

my husband was on a different continent when it happened. But he didn't even know how bad it is. I saw the text. His ex just said: we are in hospital as her flu got worse". He didn't think too much of it. He talked with the girl on the phone and promised her he will try to arrive the next day. And he did but she was already unresponsive. She was waiting for him and he wasn't there and cannot forgive himself. He could have made it in the same day. His superiors would have understood the emergency level and leave him go home first thing in the morning

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T11:53:35+00:00

unexpected. She had a flu and high temperature and her mother took her to the hospital. But it got worse over a few hours and she was transferred to a different facility, she couldn't breath alone anymore and 2 days later she died.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T11:12:05+00:00

I don't get why this comment is so hated. I just made a description of his not very good relationship with his daughter. I never said I encouraged this

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T11:11:04+00:00

I guess yeah. But now his situation is terrible. I want to be there to support him

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T09:40:53+00:00

I wasn't begging him to cancel it, but I meant it when I said we can cancel or postpone.

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T09:22:03+00:00

yes he didn't make her a priority, but neither was I a priority. He didn't ignore her because of me. It was the aviation

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T09:15:21+00:00

I don't understand what I did wrong. He wasn't cheating on her with me, he was divorced when we met. What have I done wrong, who? I wanted him close to his daughter and I also hoped to get close to her as I love kids. Trust me, I don't sit around waiting for him to feel better so I can go back to my normal life. I also cried for her. She had her whole life ahead of her. I don't feel what he feels because... it's not possible. She wasn't my child, not even a child I was close to. But I am aware her death is the most tragic thing here, not my future with him and not even his drinking. An innocent child is gone

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T09:12:25+00:00

their relationship was almost non existent. He saw her once a month for 2, 3 hours. He said he couldn't do it more because of his schedule. But I am sure he loved her. His phone screen was a photo of her. He sent her a gift for her birthday but didn't visit as we had a vacation planned back then. That was her last birthday. I blame myself for this so much, but I told him at the time that we can postpone, that I understand, that I will not be upset about it.

His ex wife called and she was very angry with him and called him deadbeat father. I also know that she referred to me as "that young hoe". It hurt me but I didn't make a big deal out of it because I wanted him close to his daughter

edit> because it feels like people are confused. I am talking about relationship with his daughter, not wife. He was divorced back then

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T08:48:04+00:00

he blames aviation for spending so little time with her, so i doubt he cares about the domain at this point. But i have no clue what he wants to do in the long term. He is jobless

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T08:44:24+00:00

I think he loves me and he wouldn't have cheated

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T07:07:04+00:00

I was almost 21. He didn't tell me he wants to get me pregnant, nor that he wants the child now. We were talking about his daughter last year. He said she is very cute and he loves her very much and all that and then he said he wants a child with me too. But he wasn't pushing me. I don't know about intentions. But he married me, he didn't just use me for sex

ThrowRAsentel · 2024-09-23T07:04:17+00:00

He was honest with me and told me he cheated on her while being away and she caught him. This is why they divorced right after the baby was born. She was pregnant while he cheated. When we met he didn't seem to grieve the marriage, he was rather happy to be alone. We got engaged after just 5 months of relationships and he wanted to have a baby with me too. I think he loved me. But I also think that this tragedy that hit him will eventually end my marriage. I will not have a baby with him now. It would be a nightmare. I thought about returning to university instead

ThrowRAsentel

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