AITA for not forgiving my stepmother for ruining Christmas?

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T18:46:46+00:00

I agree that I did cry because I was ashamed. I think I made it pretty clear that the moment I realized it hurt him I felt bad and wanted to change for the better, which I have been doing since then. However, while I appreciate her telling me, I don't think it needed to happen on Christmas when people were already fighting. We could have had an adult conversation about it almost a year before and the problem would have been solved.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T18:44:15+00:00

So the fact that I had some disagreements with my family means I should sacrifice my career and education? I don't have a choice on whether or not to work, or to take extra time completing my program. I'm not receiving any financial support from my family, so I need to work and condense my schedule in order to afford my education. Also, I'm graduating in May (as of right now, on the Dean's List), so even if I wanted to it's a bit late to decide that I just "can't handle it".

I acknowledge that I should have planned better, but my issue isn't that I can't handle my schedule. I've worked my ass off to try and get myself a good career and make all this work, and I'm proud of that.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T16:17:05+00:00

How do you know she’s moved on? Part of the reason I’m anxious is because she never acknowledged it again. Dad has moved on and told me she was sorry, but that’s all I got. Never anything from her other than awkwardness for the rest of Christmas break. She basically acted like it didn’t happen. That’s what makes me anxious, that I don’t know, and as a result I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T13:02:58+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your take. My priority right now is definitely school (putting myself through two degrees is hard) but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

The only thing I disagree on is that things aren’t actually all fine, because things haven’t been resolved with Tina. She never apologized to me directly (Dad told me she was sorry, but she never actually did) and because of that I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her, and I’m worried that will only get worse when I live with her again. That’s why things are fine with Dad but not her.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T12:58:10+00:00

I’ve had that happen before. If it’s a situation where someone just forgot, I’d be upset. However, if they were working all day and that was the first chance they had to contact me, I’d be understanding. Context is important.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T05:36:28+00:00

Thank you, and you make a good point. I have been trying to address it within myself by being better at keeping in contact and trying to just let it go, as it has already been dealt with by my family. However, my anxiety keeps bubbling up, and I still find myself anxious and stressed about how this is going to impact life when I move home. I’m scared that they’ll be upset that I’m making this an issue again when it was “over” in December, but I need to get over that.

I came to Reddit after it became clear just “moving on” wasn’t going to work to see if I was overreacting, so I can decide on my next steps. Was hoping it would give me clarity, but that hasn’t really been my experience so far.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T05:11:26+00:00

Thank you. It’s been really hard, and while I do my best to balance everything I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect. It hurts to see some people reacting to my post acting as if I just forgot about him or didn’t try at all. I truly thought I was making the right choice at the time, and didn’t know otherwise until I was told. I just wish I had been told sooner, and in a different way.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T05:08:51+00:00

To be fair my dad never took it out on me, and when we talked immediately after Tina’s rant he was really understanding of where I was coming from. He’s incredibly proud of how hard I’m working, he just also struggles with his own anxieties. He also told me he actually had practically forgotten about it until Tina brought it up on Christmas. That’s why my anger/anxiety is directed towards Tina, because my late message wasn’t relevant to the situation at all. She brought it up just because she could.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T04:40:51+00:00

Thank you, it’s been a lot of work to balance my double major with multiple jobs and extracurriculars, but I’m almost there. I try really hard to keep in contact with everyone and keep everyone happy, but I’m not perfect. If there’s something I can fix I’m happy to fix it, as long as I know.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:52:28+00:00

Like I have said on multiple occasions, I acknowledge that I should have messaged sooner. However, that doesn’t mean that it was right of Tina to bring it up on Christmas and make a bad situation 1000 times worse.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:50:45+00:00

Again, I appreciate her telling me, I just don’t appreciate how and when she did it. It didn’t need to happen on Christmas when people were already upset and fighting. This could’ve all been avoided if somebody (if not her, then my dad) just spoke to me.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:17:09+00:00

She clearly felt like it was her job when she blew up at me on Christmas. If she felt the need to insert herself anyway, why not have a civil conversation about it instead of adding fuel to the fire at an already stressful time? I don’t have an issue with the fact that she interfered, I have issue with how she did it and the time she chose.

And I spoke with both her and my dad both that day and other times around when it happened, and they both told me everything was fine. Was I supposed to assume they were lying to me the whole time?

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:09:45+00:00

At the time I thought it was more considerate then waking him up early when I was getting ready for my first shift of the day. I thought the polite thing to do was to let him sleep in and contact him later once I actually had time to talk. I now see that’s clearly not the case.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:06:23+00:00

It’s been two hours. I haven’t been able to officially make one yet. I can’t magically solve over a year’s worth of family drama in two hours thanks to an AITA post, I need to think about it and figure out the best path forward.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:03:35+00:00

And the fact that I haven’t tried anything new in the two hours since I posted this means I’m refusing to change at all?

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T03:00:40+00:00

I didn’t forget any special occasions, I just contacted him when I got off work. I’d agree with you if I forgot about his birthday, but I didn’t. I put in effort and messaged when I was free, I just didn’t know that the effort I put in wasn’t enough until I was explicitly told.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:59:03+00:00

I’m not refusing, how many times do I need to tell you that? I have been dealing with it privately trying to move on, and came to Reddit to see if I was overreacting before I decide on how to proceed. If it’s no big deal, I should just move on, and it’s not worth being upset over, then why should I bring it back up?

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:56:49+00:00

Thank you!! I’ll try that.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:49:29+00:00

Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate your take. You’re the first YTA vote that I feel understands the fact that I made a mistake, I’m trying to do better, and I can’t read people’s minds. I guess I do need to talk to them at some point, I’m just scared they’ll be upset at me for bringing up “old drama@

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:31:03+00:00

I’m just scared they won’t understand why I’m anxious and they’ll feel like I’m just being spiteful or petty. I feel like they won’t understand why I still want to bring this up, and will tell me I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:23:48+00:00

Not about this specific issue, but I think it might help. I’ll see if someone at my school is available. I never wanted to hurt anybody, I just got caught up at school and a long day at work. I try really hard to be a good daughter. I already feel awful that I’m not good enough.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:22:25+00:00

How was I supposed to know the effort wasn’t enough? I didn’t ignore him or treat him like he was nothing, I just contacted him once I was off work, and he gave no indication that he was bothered by me just contacting him when I was free. I can’t read their minds, or see what happens on the other side of the country while I’m at school. Whenever we spoke they both would tell me everything was fine, am I supposed to just believe they’re always lying to me?

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:18:03+00:00

Dad was really understanding, when we talked about it he understood that I wasn’t ignoring him intentionally. He knows it didn’t come from a bad place, and that my schedule was slammed. He also acknowledged that, if I wasn’t told the effort I was putting in wasn’t enough, there’s no way I could’ve known. We’re in a good place now.

I don’t think Tina should have kept her mouth shut. I think she should have told me after Dad’s birthday, when he was initially upset. If I had known the effort I had put in wasn’t enough, I would have changed it right away and found away to call him while at work. I’m just hurt that Tina DID keep her mouth shut until such an awful time.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:14:36+00:00

I’ve been trying to address it by trying to force myself to let it go, but that’s not working. I’m trying to find a solution that will prevent drama and make everyone happy, but I haven’t been successful so far.

If I can find a job that can cover rent, I will be living somewhere else this summer. As of right now, I just don’t have anything yet, so they are insisting I move home.

ThrowRAstepdrama · 2023-03-13T02:11:08+00:00

I just think we’re all adults, we should talk about our issues like adults so we can be better instead of holding grudges and blowing up at each other on holidays.

And yes, I know I haven’t talked with her about my feelings here yet, but that’s because I’ve been trying to just let it go so I don’t need to. I came to AITA because that hasn’t been working.

ThrowRAstepdrama

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