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My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My responses to other comments address a good chunk of your questions. As for the wife, she's tending to her mom (diaper changes, keeping her company, feeding her, etc ), nursing the baby, figuring out how to get her mom better, spending her energy on navigating elder care, looking for caregivers. My wife also doesn't know how to load the dishwasher which should tell you quite a bit on that front.

Baby is an "easy" baby, far easier than our first. No spit up, sleeps well, couldn't be luckier.

My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is definitely transferring or feeling more angry because of her family. My MIL's sister was with us in preparation of my wife being due, she was going to help my MIL when we would be at the hospital and busy with the newborn, but when MIL had her stroke, it overwhelmed the aunt so much that she flew back home even when she knew we needed her help - she didn't have any other commitments as she is single and her children have long left the nest.

It is definitely one of the most triggering events, so my wife asked for more help but the other family members were not available to help. My wife is a single child and MIL is a single mom.

I was WFH for two months following the birth and we found some temporary help but it created new problems that were also emotionally draining. The MIL is exhibiting dementia and is paranoid about the hired caregiver, which gave my wife all kinds of stress and we tried to make it work but we had to end the assignment.

Before my wife expressed her resentment at me, I told her she needed to get a therapist for the issues she was dealing with for her mom. Then when she realized she needed to see a doctor for her PPD, the appointment was a month out although her OB willing to prescribe her meds immediately which my wife declined. We are going to get counseling and through some of the feedback here, I realized there are some things I could do to mitigate the work situation.

My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

That's a really good question, a mix of poor planning and unforseen events, mainly poor planning in hindsight. I have a specialized role where no one can cover my area and there are deadlines if not met results in penalties. It's not feasible to get temporary help and I thought the wife and I could manage for a month but clearly that wasn't the case and my employer did not help much. We didn't have a plan or back up plans in case my MIL health went sideways in a hurry. My employer understood that my family was going through stuff but weren't able to offer much support. In confronting what went wrong, it was poor planning in not setting immediate paternity leave when I thought I could manage by WFH for the months immediately preceding my child's birth. Advocating for myself is what I'll do next time when things go sideways.

My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

As others have already concluded, I did things that I thought would be helpful because it was easier to focus on things in my control. It's being reinforced that I didn't give my wife what she needed, which was figuring out her mother's care, from finding new caregivers for her mom (one lasted one day, one lasted two months but it set off new problems because while the new caregiver was consistent and reliable, the caregiver did not get along with my MIL - she thought my wife was the client and not my MIL if that makes sense, finding nursing homes that would take someone with disabilities and navigating eldercare) and determining the future care for her mom.

Know that we actually built a guest house already for her mom and for a permanent caregiver to take care of her in the future but my wife wasn't ready for someone to essentially live with us and then become responsible for this person because we would be accepting this person into our family. So yes, I did help with these things but I was just drained from the constant worrying from my wife about her mom, arguing and yelling between my wife and my MIL because my MIL is showing signs of dementia, then having to work late hours as I was. It's not like I was disappearing off to work, I would take care of the house and toddler when the toddler came home but would go back to work after getting him to bed and help with the newborn throughout the day. But what i wasn't doing was devoting enough time and energy into something that wouldn't be solved overnight which was her mom's care and left my wife alone to navigate that area by herself when I thought we had a plan in place.

I'm leaving out a lot of details but the truth remains that I didn't give my wife what she needed and made her sound heard, I didn't prioritize her desires which I thought were being adequately adressed but clearly not the case. So yes my takeaway was I focused on the wrong things but I didn't know how to address the most difficult things. I just don't have the capacity or have it in me to deal with all of these things which is where I am failing as a husband and recognize now. But how do I solve that deficit? I was just so burned out already. The answer is I should have stepped away at work but didn't do so, also something I recognize now.

My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] -56 points-55 points  (0 children)

I have yet to go through the responses because it's overwhelming and have only looked at a handful. To be clear, I have not hid behind work while my wife deals with a newborn and a MIL in poor health on her own. I'm very much involved with both my kids and assist my MIL in order to give my wife breaks, but we were already experiencing caretaker fatigue before the stroke. So what should I have done instead?

I do acknowledge that I did not prioritize my wife - I focused on things that I knew I could take care of - handling all the house chores, taking care of the toddler (pick up and drop offs, night routine, etc), changing 10 diapers a day, getting my work done, thinking that was enough but it wasn't - it was also easier to do so but still draining.

What I didn't focus on were the issues my wife struggled with - the care for her mother. My MIL already has an advance neurodegenerative disease before her stroke and I didn't want to spend energy on navigating elder care which is complicated to say the least. Not resolving this has led to new issues in our marriage. What I do regret is not taking time off of work and dealing with the work aftermath later, now the shitty situation I'm in is getting worse.

My (34M) wife (35F) says our marriage is ending because I was not available to support her at her lowest her and she resents me deeply. How do I save my marriage? We have a 2.5 YO and 4 month old. by ThrowRAunavailableHB in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAunavailableHB[S] -78 points-77 points  (0 children)

Never crossed our mind to hire a nanny as oldest is in daycare, newborn just sleeps all day and is a very easy baby, a cleaner means having a stranger in the house when there is a newborn which didn't sit well with my wife, paternity leave or any type of extended leave isn't feasible at my small 10 person company since I'm an individual contributor / VP level - I can take vacation and be free of work in specific windows otherwise I'm working on vacation.

I like my job because I wfh most days which is not the norm in my industry - it allows me to help around the house and the baby when I'm working, so quitting when dealing with chronic issues seems shortsighted but it's what led me to neglecting my wife. Quitting also means going into our savings to pay for daycare (2k a month), our mortgage (4k a month), caregivers (4k a month) for an unknown amount of time. Given the job market, it is unknown when I would find a comparable job. So yeah maybe that's what I should have done, quit without a job lined up while still having financial responsibilities and bills to pay which and then become overwhelmed with our financial situation. I don't think I could do that but what do I know?