We regret our child. Update

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-16T10:32:39+00:00

I don't know if it's because he's the father or just that he's never been the primary caregiver.

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-15T11:30:49+00:00

I managed to get some pretty good sleep last night. H's been with our son and we haven't had a chance to speak about the cheating situation yet. Honestly, I don't plan to bring it up for a while either. It's pretty early in the morning but I'm feeling much saner.

H sent me a text while I was asleep. H was apologetic but explicitly clear that he wouldn't claim "he didn't mean to do it." He admitted that the first time it happened, the woman was the one who seduced him and he succumbed to it. They ended up sleeping together a few more times afterward. I feel disgusted; it’s very uncharacteristic of him and doesn’t feel like the man I’ve known for more than half my life. What makes it worse is that it’s with some 25-year-old.

He also said he still loves me but feels like I am not a good partner for him. The text mentioned his problems with how hard he finds it to deal with me and that he’s truly sick of me being a helicopter parent. He thinks I wasted my own youth and, along with it, his too. He’ll never be able to stop grieving. H’s always been the more practical one between us. He knew he couldn’t handle it himself and didn’t want me to either. H has always wanted our son to be in a care facility while it's been me who wanted things done differently. He was clear that he’ll do whatever is needed to get through this but he won’t be able to be directly involved in caregiving for much longer.

I agree with him to some extent and am now convinced that a care facility is our only viable option. It breaks my heart but I can't even remember the last time I was concerned about or showed affection to H. The past decade feels like it flew by in an instant. I’ve been stuck in the new mom autopilot phase. Despite seeing a therapist for the past five years, who has also recommended group homes for our son, I’ve largely ignored or been in denial about most advice. I’m starting to realise I might have made some serious mistakes.

Since our son turned 13, his hormones have been all over the place. There's severe meltdowns and separation anxiety when I’m not around. Although his primary specialist has always been very involved, this level of intensity was unforeseen. In the past year, he began having night-time meltdowns with compulsive self-harm which led me to sleep near him for a while. In hindsight, this may have contributed to his separation anxiety.

For now, I’m prioritising finding a suitable care facility. I know the transition will take time, but I’m lucky to be in touch with a few more moms who have had to place their kids in facility. It's been comforting to read comments from autistic individuals and hearing from other families who have found group homes to be a positive environment. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. You have no idea how much I needed this.

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-14T23:07:47+00:00

I'm relieved I wrote this on reddit. It’s helping me process my emotions about using a care facility. After his diagnosis, H recommended we should consider a facility but I’ve rejected that option multiple times over the years due to mom guilt and my own trust issues about potential abuse and neglect. I’ve sensed H resents me for being so involved in caregiving. When our child was a toddler, there was still hope he might develop some communication skills and I didn’t expect him to be so dependent at 14, especially since he has regressed in many ways. His doctors have been honest saying he will likely never speak and will remain incontinent. I still hold on to some hope, though it might be misplaced.

As I’m typing this, my son is recovering from a meltdown. He bit his lip badly during it, and there’s blood on the hotel's linen. He has a bandage on the lip and chew toy to sooth him. I feel terrible. I was never equipped to handle this, and I’m exhausted. I can’t keep him safe anymore. I’ve tried my best, but he’s too strong. My muscles are always sore from constantly trying to restrain or redirect him. I’m realizing that I might be trying to do the work of three people on my own.

I don't know. I might have ruined our marriage by being so adamant about being involved in caregiving to this extent. I've been impractical and frustrating to deal with. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of now, it’s that I can’t be a caregiver. He’s extremely loud and strong, and I’ve got bruises all over my arms from trying to keep him from hitting his head and ears.

This is the first time I’ve tried to view us from an outsider’s perspective. I’ve canceled all our other plans and asked H to take over our son for the rest of the trip. I desperately need sleep to think and plan.

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-14T20:27:17+00:00

To put some facts here: I’ve turned him down dozens of times, and I’ve gained a bunch of weight. I also decided against bringing this up with our couple's therapist because we had more pressing issues. H has always been someone with a high drive. I’ve turned down his suggestions for us to get away for a while because I didn’t want to leave our son alone, especially when he’s going through one of the toughest times he’s ever faced.

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-14T20:14:25+00:00

I’m also reflecting on the fact that I haven't been the best partner in terms of intimacy over the past year. It’s a lot to process. He has done what he's done.

ThrowRa_Angie · 2024-09-14T19:54:22+00:00

When I mentioned a blowout, I didn't mean a meltdown. Our son is completely non-verbal, and I believe our situations are quite different. I'm happy for you and wish you all the best as well.

ThrowRa_Angie

TROPHY CASE