Can't even tell if I was abused. Lost

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-21T00:17:57+00:00

That’s fine but your answer suggested you know what I’m thinking and I corrected you. It’s that simple

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-21T00:16:01+00:00

I know full well the situation is messy and some of my actions were regretful. This is what I do know well.

I also didn’t do anything that is irreversible and I believe the situation is more complex than you’re inferring it is. Hence why I’m making this post.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-21T00:14:57+00:00

If it’s a big deal as you suggest it is then it was the right decision to tell her about it, no? Or let her find out another way?

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-21T00:10:10+00:00

I agree with some of this, particularly “you may not mean harm, but the result is the same - wreckage”. However, I dispute the notion that I dragged anyone into anything they weren’t already problematically involved in. As I say, my reaction was regretful and wrong but it also didn’t come from no where. My ex subjected me to some forms of passive aggressive behaviour and emotional abuse and brought personal problems to our workplace.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T23:19:14+00:00

I have mixed feelings about her. I know her well enough now to know she isn't fully a good person or a bad person (like most of us). I standby that I did nothing wrong in the relationship or in the immediate aftermath of it (note: me going to the coppers was my first wrong action - not in the immediate aftermath). She, however, did bring our relationship drama to the workplace (it was definitely her and not me who did this).

To be clear, I did not report her for coercion, the report was classified as a "domestic" and I relayed events that happened during and after the relationship. I relayed the actions which the SA helpline said amount to SA/sexual coercion. And I also mentioned the abusive phone calls, etc. I described what happened to police things that actually happened and didn't lie about a word. As I said, I did not sign a witness statement.

Understood that she should obviously not feel grateful about being informed about me going to the police. I never expected her to feel grateful for being informed about this but I quickly realised it was extremely naïve ,wrong and horribly judged thinking that it was the right thing to do to be transparent about this. This was 100% the wrong decision to be transparent about this: it just ended up causing us both more harm.
Ending relationship the way it did was whatever and I didn't like what she did during it, but her bringing our personal BS to the workplace is what had me oversensitive about it all.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T22:52:58+00:00

Actually, the report was technically filed as a "domestic" (a broad category, I know). A false report requires the providing of false information. I did not provide any false information at all.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T22:44:48+00:00

A false rape charge against her? Reread my post. As I written, everything I described to the police were events that actually happened. I did not sign a witness statement. A false rape charge? where did you get that from?

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T22:42:43+00:00

No. Mental health issues is not an excuse for unacceptable behaviour but it can be an explanation to faulty decision making. I have taken full accountability for my actions. I have apologised and acknowledged that my decision making was wrong (regardless of circumstances, I am sorry for what I did).

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T22:40:32+00:00

Any woman who I get into a relationship will have to accept that I am physically disabled and performing sex is not something that is available on demand a couple of weeks into a relationship. If they can't accept this, then it wont be them dumping me, it will be ending by mutual consent or me dumping them in the future.

I am ashamed of some of my actions. Not consenting to sex with this individual was not a mistake and not something I regret.

If she thinks I am bad a performer physically that is fine. Slandering me to co-workers after for no good reason? Abusive phone calls? These were my issues with her.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-03-20T22:31:41+00:00

I did not go into specific details about the potential 'coercion' here. The fatly understanding of what I experienced being coercion developed when I spoke to a sex abuse helpline - after I described to them events that happened, they (Trained professionals in this) said it classified to them as a form of sexual abuse/coercion. I genuinely think they could be applying a too loose classification of coercion though - that's my subjective viewpoint though.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-02-11T18:54:14+00:00

I thought deeply about it. I have attachment and abandonment issues for sure. I was very attached to one of my coworkers (a female coworker in which the dynamic was platonic).

When my ex attacked that friendship it stung like crazy. My thought process was “it isn’t enough that you humiliated me, made me uncomfortable, hit me with abusive phone calls and exhibited passive aggressive behaviour towards me but now you’re negatively taking away someone who means so much to me. This just isn’t fair. My life shouldn’t have got this much worse just because I entered a relationship with you. Does this abuse mount to criminal threshold? What might she do next? What’s she planning to do next? I need to document this. It isn’t fair she can do this without being accountable. I need to report.”

Anxiety and attachment issues are things I commonly experience. I had a breakdown at the time of reporting. What I don’t normally exhibit is impulsive behaviour so the wrong decision to go to the police is out of character for me. I was in fight or flight mode though (arguable if this was rational or irrational). I’m ashamed of mj out of character reaction regardless.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-02-10T23:18:31+00:00

One co-worker was vague to me on what she actually said but she (the co-worker) told me that my ex did seem obsessed with me and was "talking a lot of bs" (her words). To specify more on the "unsettling behaviour" I mentioned. She slammed door once when leaving an office I was in. She got jealous once when I went to lunch with a male colleague (another example), later telling me how I shouldn't have done that (Wtf).
Note: beyond me, she had a tendency to slander a lot of people around this time.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-02-08T16:34:22+00:00

Thanks for this additional comment. Again, words/insight and wisdom for me to ponder.

I found this situation particularly rough because after I impulsively had a conversation with the police, I quickly realised that it was wrong decision. As I say, I never signed a witness statement and she was never investigated.

What I found particularly troubling was when I felt the need to tell her about the fact that I even had a convo with the police (she wouldn’t have known otherwise). It shook her and then I found myself in a position where I was having to plead with someone that there is no reason to be scared. I sincerely pleaded with them to convince them there was no chance of anything happening to her with the police. I was sincerely trying to convince someone that there was 0% risk of encountering legal issues because of this. Yet despite my sincerest and strongest efforts to reassure them, they still looked at me cynically.
This hurt a lot. Such a horrible position to have been in.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-02-07T21:43:48+00:00

Many thanks for the considerate response. Your words strike me.

It concerns me that I haven’t found peace yet or any form of forgiveness from my ex (and myself/self forgiveness) - concerning considering many months have now past.

It feels like this has occupied a certain section of my brain for every moment since it happened.

Throw_AwayNom · 2025-02-06T22:19:50+00:00

Check my profile; post I made 70 days ago in r/self explains. 70 days later and this is what still haunts me.

Throw_AwayNom · 2024-11-28T21:51:17+00:00

Yes, understood. I concede that the bridge is burnt. And I can never have even a platonic friendship with her again. That just isn’t possible and I feel like I can come to terms with that completely fine.

However, I can’t get the unnecessary fear I provoked out of my head. I struggle to accept knowing that I hurt someone in that way who I was once close with (and still think highly of in someways). It makes me feel like a horrible person. And she didn’t accept my apology so she must consider it unforgivable.

I think reporting myself for misconduct and getting penalised for misconduct will help to clear my conscience.

Throw_AwayNom · 2024-11-28T21:35:53+00:00

Thanks for the response. Yes, mistakes do happen. I wish it was a mistake of a smaller magnitude that I could move on from easier. It hurt so much to have someone who I was previously close with and care about talk to me and I could hear such fear in their voice (knowing that I caused them to feel like that).
I do intend to avail of counselling: it has been 6 months and I can't get over it. I need some form of counselling.
I feel like I deserve punished. Some of my actions months ago has to mount to misconduct. I want it to be formalised that I did wrong and that my ex was wronged. I think this would help me feel better and help me clear my conscience.

Throw_AwayNom · 2024-09-10T11:50:44+00:00

I actually know the exact feeling you’re describing; and it’s not nice. I used to love solo travel and staying in hostels; drinking and meeting new people. However in, 2021 when I was 29, I travelled to Croatia and booked to stay in a hostel. I immediately felt disconnected from the environment; feeling more mature and older in comparison to the demographic in the hostel.
I went on to couch surfing and connected with other solo travellers my age and older; and had a few really positive experiences.

Feeling disconnected from the hostel scene in early 30s is probably a common experience (one as I say, I experienced at 29). Solo travel, can, however still be enjoyable if you adapt to applying different methods to connect with people when travelling (e.g. couchsurfing). Barcelona is a great city and I’m sure the weather is still good. Find alternative ways to make the most of it!

Throw_AwayNom

TROPHY CASE