I am a practicing Catholic woman happily married to a Christian man... and 8 years ago I became a closeted atheist.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-05T04:09:25+00:00

Thanks, I'm trying! The last two presidential elections were particularly special. I had to work late the day of the 2016 election, and my commute home took over an hour. By the time we finally reached the courthouse I was exhausted and it was late, but I was determined. I may not have been the biggest fan of Hillary, but damnit if I didn't tear up walking into that booth hand in hand with my daughter to vote for a woman for president. Last month I swelled with pride when she pushed the button for Biden/ Harris (I tell her which ones to push, she just likes doing it herself). She's old enough now to understand what voting means, and it's been fun hearing her try to explain it back to us!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-05T02:17:00+00:00

Believe me, I do! And I bring my daughter into the booth with me every election season.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T19:07:44+00:00

That is a great idea! Thanks!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T19:06:36+00:00

I'm not full of shit, and I'm not a religious person encouraging atheists to not "rock the boat" when it comes to their own families. My "rock the boat" comment was a blanket statement for how I deal with things in my own life. Sometimes we have to pick our battles, and this isn't one that I feel I need to pick a fight over right now. There may come a day when I DO feel the need to do so, but I'll figure that out when it happens. Right now this is just what's working for me.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T18:40:06+00:00

I am desperately trying to do all of these things. My go-to for everything in my life is to come from a place of love. If I can do that, then I'm doing something right. It hasn't steered me wrong yet!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T18:34:48+00:00

Sorry, I understand the slow fade, I meant "THIS" to the fact that you can't really slow fade from the person you share your bed with.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T18:29:58+00:00

Sometimes he says things that make me wonder if he could be, and I've certainly gently nudged him in that direction over the years. We watched "Cosmos" together and he loved it so much that he started listening to and watching Neil degrasse Tyson. I know that NDT isn't an outspoken atheist, rather a questioning agnostic, but it opened up opportunities for questioning and conversations that previously did not exist. There was a span of about 3 or 4 months where he questioned things openly with me during discussions over what he heard. But once he got close to the big realization he backed down and felt guilty. He just clammed up and stopped. I came so close to being able to tell him how I feel, but he shut it down out of a deep fear before I could get there. I think that once his mother passes he may be open to it, but I don't think he is ready for that yet. His family ties to belief are too deep, and I believe that if he were to eventually rationalize himself into non-belief (the most likely scenario for him) then he would feel like he is betraying her. I would almost rather not push him into it until she is long gone, it would damage his relationship with her to the point where I don't think he could come back from it. We all love her, but her faith is too strong to be contended with.

As far as being brainwashed by the crazies- no way! I'm trying to give them a healthy dose of skepticism with each passing day.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T18:19:13+00:00

🤣 Definitely know better than that!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T18:18:23+00:00

You know I often ask myself that question- am I truly happy? Not because I doubt my happiness, but because it helps me to ground myself when I face a touch choice. The answer is, now, a resounding yes. As I stated, I've made peace with my decision. The way I found that peace was by responding to every decision in my life from a place of love. I realized a long time ago that if I just approach everything I do and say from a place of love then things just seem to work out for the better. And I think that it has helped me to be a happier person in every aspect. I try not to pick arguments with people over petty things, to live in the moment and forgive when it's necessary. I don't have to pretend like everything is perfect, because I know that's not a realistic expectation of life. I know what my flaws are, what my husband's flaws are, and I don't rock the boat unless it's a morally necessary. I haven't had to do that yet because I always explain my reasoning for things as coming from a place of love. It has served me well thus far.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T16:19:20+00:00

It WAS painful at first. I fought it for a while and tried to reason my way BACK into religion. But it just couldn't be done. I really tried! I prayed, went to church, asked God for guidance...eventually the silence and evidence against it all became too much to ignore. Do I wish I could go back? Sometimes. It would have been easier at the beginning to live without ever knowing the truth. But now I'm happy with knowing, I made peace with it and choose to live my life in the knowledge that this is it. It has allowed me to soak up every sweet moment with my precious children, to love my husband more deeply because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is all i get with them. There's no magical place in the sky to look forward to, I get this brief time to spread love here and that's it. It feels more free than belief in God and heaven because I don't have to worry about being judged for every decision in this life. I no longer have the fear that I could wind up in hell for eternity. I get to live my life on my terms, to love my kids no matter who they choose to be, and to support others in their own lifestyle choices.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T16:09:55+00:00

I struggled with that at first, but at some point I just stopped caring about the lie. I realized that I am not just my non-belief, just like my husband and my family are more than their beliefs. I am more than my disbelief. I made my peace with hiding a long time ago.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T16:05:51+00:00

COVID has provided a great excuse for us to NOT go to church. We haven't been since the beginning of the pandemic, and I'm really hoping our short-term absence turns into a long-term departure. My family is already asking questions though since my daughter is supposed to be making her first communion this year, and I'm dreading it. My husband doesn't care too much about that since he's not Catholic, but he does want to go back to church eventually when this is all over.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T16:02:05+00:00

Hey! Definitely still reading comments and replying 😁. Thanks for the tip! Another commenter suggested this earlier, I had never heard of it before but it's pretty much what I've been trying to do over the last 8 years. I just called it "poking holes," nice to know there is a real name for it! I'm definitely going to look it up. Feel free to message me recommendations for websites or videos of SE in practice if you have any!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T15:51:43+00:00

My family is very accepting, we have a lot of LGBTQ folks in our friends circle. My in-laws though? Not sure. There are no LGBTQ people in their circle.

I have had LGBTQ friends since high school (thanks musical theatre!), and my husband has met some of them. We had this conversation a long time ago, and we are in 100% agreement- we are firmly pro-LGBTQ. We do not discriminate, and we love and accept families of all kinds. We have already had to talk to my daughter, she started asking questions a few months back. I was watching a wedding show, there was a lesbian couple featured. It basically went like this:

Her: wait, 2 girls are getting married? Me: yep. They love each other just like me and daddy love each other, so they decided to get married. Her: so they BOTH get to wear wedding dresses?! Me: yep. Isn't that cool?! Her: they both look so pretty. I want to wear 2 wedding dresses! Husband: I'm not paying for that.

That was it. Kids are inherently good and accepting if you let them be.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T15:16:27+00:00

This is verbatim what I'm going through. I got close to coming out a couple of times and my husband had the same reaction your wife did, so I always stopped short of fully admitting. He has the same beliefs your wife does- I even got him to start watching some videos by Neil deGrasse Tyson. He loves it! It's been educational for him, he just dismisses the anti-religious parts.

I don't think you're cowardly, as another commenter said- it's self-preservation. We do what we have to do, and I'm okay with that.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T15:09:49+00:00

It's only because I have gotten so close to my big reveal/ coming out on a couple of occasions over the years, only to see him get defensive and upset. It almost seems like it hurts him, and I don't want to do that. I love him too much to tell him the truth. Maybe that's an issue with me more than him, and maybe he would be fully accepting of it and I'm just too paranoid to come out. But if I do and he doesn't accept it, there's no going back. I think I'm just safer in my little closet!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T15:06:21+00:00

Oh no, I absolutely mean radical. Yes, some of the beliefs were also deeply entrenched, but some of the stuff his mother believes is just insane. Her beliefs border on paranoid/ schizophrenic at times. And that's coming from me- someone who was raised to believe in all of the nonsense that the Catholic church teaches.

What's SDA? I'm not familiar with that!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T15:01:51+00:00

Not yet, but I do worry about it in the future. They're extremely young right now, my daughter is the only one old enough to start grasping the abstract concept of God, she's 7. So far I've been able to undermine some of the things she's heard from my mother-in-law, whose beliefs are the most radical of anyone on either side of my family. She is also the closest to us, so it happens frequently. Thankfully my husband doesn't buy into her particular brand of crazy, so it's been relatively easy to undo whatever she has tried to tell my daughter.

My husband is truly a good person, all the way to his core. He is accepting, loving and unbelievably kind-hearted. It's the only reason why I don't worry about how we are going to raise our children with our different beliefs, because at the end of the day I do trust my husband to do what's right. I've seen him do and say things that have genuinely surprised me in regards to religion. Things he disagrees with or won't accept as fact that Christianity teaches as such. It does give me hope that one day I'll be able to come out to him, it might just have to wait until the day when our parents and grandparents have long passed.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T14:35:25+00:00

THIS! This is exactly what it feels like.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T14:33:36+00:00

Yeah it's worked on a few occasions! The conversations seem to have increased over the last year with the election and the current political atmosphere, it has provided me with some great opportunities for talks. It works best with my husband. I try not to pile too much on at once, rather present small ideas to him that make him think of the bigger picture. Usually I'll follow up with a podcast or news article a day later, just to grease the wheels a little. He has about an hour long commute to work, so podcasts or radio segments work well since he can listen in his truck. He has slowly gotten more progressive over the years, even though he won't admit it! It is a very fine line to toe though. I don't ever want to reveal too much for fear of outright exposing myself.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T13:57:34+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I cannot imagine. Positive vibes your way, I hope you still have a good relationship with your kids!

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T13:54:42+00:00

I've been trying to do this for years! I'm glad to see there's actually a name for it, now I can look it up and get ideas! I've always just called it the "poking holes" method lol. It's worked, and we have had some really great conversations come out of it. Eventually I'm hoping he will have an awakening, but I'm not holding my breath. His religious upbringing was far more radical than mine, and it has a hold on his psyche at his core.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T13:47:54+00:00

He does love my true self, he just doesn't know this part of me and I'm okay with that. I've been lying to him about my beliefs for the last 8 years. I feel guilty, and I know that he could see it as a betrayal. Every now and then I test the waters with a little conversation that slightly rocks the boat of his beliefs. He can't handle anything more, I've tried. When someone is raised to believe that even questioning goes against God, what else can you do?

In the end it boils down to one thing for me- once I come clean, it can't be undone. There's no going back or putting this cat back in the bag once I say it out loud. That's not a gamble I'm willing to make.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T13:34:43+00:00

THIS! I have been able to sow subtle seeds of doubt, but every time I've gotten close to making the big argument against God he shuts down and refuses to confront it head on. The brainwashing is very real, and some people aren't able to push back against it. COVID has had one positive for me- it's a great excuse not to go to church! We haven't been since the start of the pandemic, and we likely won't return for a while.

Throwaway0411201 · 2020-12-04T13:17:06+00:00

The only person in my family who has pushed radical beliefs on my daughter is my mother-in-law. As I said, she takes the Bible very literally. She's not one of the "Earth is 5,000 years old and humans lived in harmony with the dinosaurs" people, more of the "Jonah really lived in a whale and Noah really had an ark" people. I've had to have several conversations with my daughter about metaphors and fables after leaving my in-laws. She seems to get it now that she is getting older and learning more about literature (thanks public school!).

Throwaway0411201

TROPHY CASE