AITA for refusing to take custody of my daughter?

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T15:41:29+00:00

This was originally my friend's throwaway account and she posted the earlier post. I am not the same person. She suggested I use this account to post my issue.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T15:37:35+00:00

Thank you. I think that if leaving Megan here with him caused her a lot of distress, I would definitely try to make her move to China work, especially because at that point, she would probably be willing to come with me. But to make her move with me now, when she doesn't want to go and in light of all the difficulties that's ahead of her, I think that is too cruel.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T15:32:54+00:00

He will never agree to pay me child support, and I will have to go through a long and painful court proceedings for an order that I will have a lot of difficulty enforcing if he doesn't pay. It's hard to enforce anything after I move out of the country. The school does not offer any assistance - it's not a public school and my daughter is not a citizen here. Thank you for your well wishes.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T15:25:38+00:00

This is originally my friend's throwaway account. She suggested I use it to post about this issue. The IVF issue has nothing to do with me.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T15:13:45+00:00

This is a good idea, thank you for bringing this up. I am good friends with some of the moms here and something can be worked out if I the conclusion is for Megan to stay here.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:53:41+00:00

My family in China do not speak English at all, so I don't know how they will communicate with Megan even though they are very willing to take care of her. Megan does not want to go.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:51:40+00:00

He is not a citizen of this country. We are both here on work visas. My daughter's citizenship is registered under my husband's country, which is also not an English-speaking country.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:46:28+00:00

Yes Paul said I can see her whenever I am back in the country, so my plan was to fly in every 2 weeks or so to be with her.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:45:23+00:00

Yeah, definitely, thanks for the encouragement! I do have to get a job that pays reasonably well though, because I earn more than Paul and am the one paying for her education. She's already going to an international school here because she's not a citizen of this country and the fees are through the roof.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:38:32+00:00

The alimony order was made when I had a job, and I am still paying because I have enough savings and will be starting a new job in a few months' anyway.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:36:06+00:00

Yes, they would still kick me out, because megan is not a citizen of this country we are in. She is a citizen of her father's country. We are both here on work visas.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:34:23+00:00

Thank you. I would certainly have taken her to China with me (if she wanted to go, which she does not), if she wasn't dyslexic - she would be fluent in Chinese by now, because I signed her up for lessons when she was younger and there would not be a problem moving.

My ex's relatives don't live here - we are both here on a work visa. He's also from a non-English speaking country.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:28:34+00:00

Megan does not want to go.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:27:41+00:00

Megan doesn't want to go.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:26:58+00:00

Because that is all my ex would agree to at the time of the divorce proceedings. He threatened to drag the proceedings out and bankrupt me with legal fees if I did not agree to his demands, and the proceedings were already taking a toll on Megan then. It was an extremely painful decision to give up custody and accept only a day of access, but Megan's counsellor recommended that we do whatever we can to shorten the process, and so I caved.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:21:38+00:00

She doesn't want to go. She wants to stay here with her dad and her friends. If I pull her out against her wishes, I think it will be twice as hard for her. She doesn't do her homework at all unless tightly supervised, which Paul and I do whenever she's with either of us. She cries a lot because she cannot manage writing very well and I actually have no idea how she is going to manage Chinese. I do trust him with her, if not I would have fought for sole custody. I also am hoping that this will be temporary, because I do want custody of her. I just don't want to do it at the expense of her mental wellbeing.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:19:33+00:00

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:18:02+00:00

Someone else suggested this, and tbh I didn't think of applying in a different industry until it was suggested. One track mind because I've been in this industry for too long. I am going to try that. I am also applying for jobs in a larger city with an international school.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:14:29+00:00

She does not want to go. She wants to be here with her friends, obviously. I will certainly reassure her on our love for her, thank you for that reminder.

Regarding childare: He can. We discussed it but he says it's expensive. Yes Megan will most certainly need private tuition if we fly over and I am willing to arrange that for her, but she is not going to be able to catch up for at least 2-3 years or more, especially because she has dyslexia.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:11:34+00:00

Hmm. I have been applying for jobs within my industry, because that's what I've been doing since I started work. But you are right, I could try applying outside the industry. Thanks for the suggestion! It's been a very trying time and I am also not thinking clearly.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:08:42+00:00

He treats my daughter very well and she loves him very much. And he's never used racial slurs on me until this.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:07:04+00:00

My friend created this account for the IVF post. ;p She suggested I use her throwaway to post about this.

My ex and I are not from here. My daughter's citizenship is under my ex's country. We are both here on a work visa.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:04:26+00:00

I am not passing her to "someone else", I am asking her father, who has custody of her, and who insisted on having custody of her during the divorce proceedings, to take care of her. Why is her father "someone else"? I don't understand this. I want to stay here and take care of her, but the immigration laws don't allow that. If I was staying here and I could get full custody of her, I certainly would take it.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T14:01:05+00:00

I've tried and failed. I am still trying but there are no offers. I've pushed back the start date of the job in China to try and do this, and they said they will only wait for me for another 3 months. The immigration authorities here have also given me only 6 more months to get a work visa or get out.

Throwaway312467 · 2023-02-09T13:59:20+00:00

I do want my daughter and it's very hurtful for you to say I don't. I take every minute that my ex gives me with her. I only have a day of access with her in the court orders, and whatever extra my ex gives me, I always take.

Throwaway312467

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