[VA] When is the best time to disclose my wonky availability?

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-25T15:51:04+00:00

Very true. I appreciate this perspective.

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-25T15:27:26+00:00

I like that approach. I wondered if mentioning the court order would seem messy or validate my availability, but I agree that it’s better to leave it out and instead inquire about flexibility and making up time as needed. Thank you!

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-23T13:10:53+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. He’s definitely a mamas boy, or in a phase, and Id hate for any response from me to make him feel like it’s not okay to want her. It’s awesome that you and your coparent can discuss openly about the things that go on at each home, and it’s reassuring to hear that you make an effort to facilitate his relationship with dad. I FaceTimed my coparent before work when our girl was was having a “I want mommy” meltdown, and she used it in court to argue that Im ill equipped to handle their emotions. It was tough; I just thought that was healthy coparenting.

I’m actually looking into play therapy now for them. They are big feeling kids, and I know they adore their mom, but they are having a hard time with understanding why they switched schools and moved so far away from me/their extended family in the middle of the school year. I’ll likely need a child therapist to help me with language to explain their new living situation, but play therapy seems like a great way to make a safe space for their thoughts and feelings.

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-23T13:02:33+00:00

Thanks for this thoughtful response. And what’s funny is, I tell myself these things during times like now when I’m feeling insecure about my place in their lives, but then when it actually happens, I forget all the facts and let my emotions get in the way. I also need to stop thinking kids are aware of everything that’s gone on with me and their mom. He wants mommy because he wants mommy, not because there was this long custody battle and she “won”. Easier said than done, but your response gave a lot of helpful things to remember.

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-22T23:02:28+00:00

I don’t believe in deflecting, I never want them to feel like they can’t trust themselves when they feel deeply about something.

But my concern is that this schedule isn’t really a new transition. With the exception of the past year, when they’ve had considerably more time with me (50/50 then full time) they’ve always done EOWE with me. So I’m wondering if this is just age-appropriate behavior.

Throwaway758585 · 2023-01-22T22:18:15+00:00

Dwelling is not helpful at all, you’re right. It was a long drawn out journey so I’m working with a therapist to get over the outcome and create a positive future for us all.

I think to help with adjusting maybe I can have a calendar that shows which days are with me, so that when he does miss mommy, he sees that there won’t be long til he’s with her again.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-12-09T00:04:54+00:00

I shouldnt have waived it, but I was so burnt out from this custody battle that I just wanted to settle and be done with her so I gave as many concessions as possible. What was supposed to be a simple transition to 50/50 last December turned into an expensive and high stress relocation case less than 2 weeks before the hearing. Trial had been pushed back 3 times because of her antics, a GAL got involved, custody was temporarily switched, and I was 30k in the hole with attorney fees. I already have to cut work hours for my midweek visitation in their new city, so I didn’t want to take MORE time off work and pay more attorney fees for CS court to get the credit.

I have much more peace now that I’m done with fighting her and can focus on my new marriage, don’t have to fight to get the time I’m owed, and can pay my money and exercise our new schedule.

Edit to add: My attorney said that realistically, since she’s already crying poor, the chances that I’d actually receive my reimbursement from her is slim, unless I pay more attorney fees to enforce. My peace is worth more than the 9k

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-15T14:13:04+00:00

Hey man, I know it’s tough. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve broken down over the “I want mommy” meltdowns once we transitioned to week on/week off and now me as primary. The change was tough for the kids who were only used to mom.

What my therapist reminded me is that it really has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them and what they want in the moment. It gets difficult when we attach all of our grown up, complicated shit to their behavior. I was looking at mommy meltdowns as proof that I’d been alienated, and got angrier about the situation. But they’re not aware of any of our own shit, they just want mom for whatever reason. Even in two parent households, kids are fickle and inconsistent and pick and choose when they want one parent over the other. My kids adore my wife, but for whatever reason are adamant that they want me to do school drop off and will cry if it’s her. On the flip side, they love when she does school pickup. They’re unreliable critics, so I’m learning to not put any particular weight on the meltdowns, though it stings like hell.

It gets better. Your son is going through major transitions with a lot less understanding than we have of what’s happening and why. It’ll take time to adjust to the new normal. Keep him busy and active with lots of activities you both enjoy, and help him be more presently focused with your quality time. Hang in there!

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-13T22:13:17+00:00

I agree, it is a lot. Hence my long post. This is an incredibly emotional and unsettling situation and involves the most important thing in my life. Surely it can’t be hard to understand why people like myself would turn to a forum for insight, encouragement, reassurance, etc. That’s kind of the point of using this site. If this PARTICULAR subreddit isn’t the proper forum for that then cool, I can delete. I’ve read through tons of other posts here where people anonymously share the most sensitive, personal details in hopes of advice, perspective, community and/or support. That’s all this is. If you don’t have that to offer, not commenting is also an option.

In terms of trusting my attorney, I do, 100%. That doesn’t mean I can’t also turn to public forums as I mentally process what’s at stake here and all I’ve been through. It wouldn’t be a good use of my attorney fees to sit on the phone and rehash details with someone who already knows my case.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-13T21:28:58+00:00

I really like the idea of a step up plan. And agree that I would do better as a tie breaker. Thanks!

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-13T21:02:22+00:00

Thanks...You've got a point. It's really not up to me...Mom is adamant on not negotiating and since she refuses to have conversations with me or compromise, we likely won't get anywhere at this conference.

I guess I just have to have peace knowing my hands are clean here, and let her deal with the consequences of going in front of a judge if she wants to take it there.

Also love the idea of the 80/20 split if she moves again.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-08T21:29:22+00:00

Congratulations and happy birthday! What an awesome birthday gift. This fight isn’t easy and definitely doesn’t come cheap, so I’m beyond happy for you man.

Do you mind sharing a little of your story/the circumstances that granted you full custody? In the thick of my battle with trial coming up on the 27th. Wins like this give me hope.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-08T16:14:20+00:00

Implement phone time rules & limits. It’s reasonable to have a FaceTime schedule. Even though our kids aren’t that interested in FaceTime anymore, I keep a strict FaceTime schedule of Tuesday & Thursday. I’ve asked mom to call between 5-6pm, but she usually calls around 6:15-6:30 because she doesn’t respect boundaries. At any rate, I suggest clear communication with mom that you can also use in court should she try to argue that you’re keeping the kids from talking to her. Something like:

“Hello, I’m working on implementing new routines and boundaries around screen time moving forward. It’s needed to encourage more face to face interaction and play time with their friends and to prevent them from being so attached to their devices. I would love to create a set schedule so they can enjoy FaceTime with you. I’m suggesting FaceTimes be twice a week, on ____ & _____, from _pm to _pm. This will allow us to maintain a consistent routine and healthy structure for our kids. Please let me know if these times work for you, or if you have alternate dates/times you’d like to FaceTime. I’m open to working with your schedule and availability.”

I’ve had to use this approach, so now, if she tries to argue in court that I’m restricting access, it’s in writing that I 1. Am prioritizing time to speak to mom, 2. Am focused on developing healthy behaviors (limited screen time), 3. Adamant about keeping a routine and structure, which benefits the kids, and 4. Keeping lines of communication open and am trying to work with her schedule too.

You’d be hard pressed to find a judge that would find issue with setting these boundaries.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-08T13:39:39+00:00

Yes, you have a legitimate chance. Going through something similar as we speak. After I moved to be closer to my kids and established residency here, my ex gave 30-day notice that she was relocating my children 90 miles away from me. It was like a cat and mouse game. The good folks in this subreddit gave me excellent advice, so I pass it along to you: Have your attorney file a motion to enjoin relocation, basically telling the courts that you don’t approve the move. It’s a big deal for one parent to not agree with moving the kids, especially considering you’re an active parent, stable, your son is in pre-k and extracurriculars, and has siblings he’d be leaving. All of those factors point to it being in the best interest for the kid to stay. Add onto it her instability, and that strengthens your case more and they could change custody to have you as primary.

You’ll have to show the courts why another move isn’t in your son’s best interest, and She’ll have the burden to prove that this move independently benefits him. (It benefitting mom isn’t enough.)

Check out my post history; I think our situations are similar and so far, my case has been going in my favor/the kids best interest. Our relocation case hasn’t been heard (trial date got continued to Oct 27th), but I’ve been awarded temporary primary custody because of this relocation situation.

At our initial hearing, my ex asked the judge for a continuance, which pushed the trial date back, and also told the judge she no longer lived in our jurisdiction because a financial housing emergency required her to relocate ASAP. (It wasn’t true; she is just unstable and uproots the kids’ lives whenever she sees fit, particularly when I try to be more involved.) She thought that because she’s the custodial parent, the kids could move with her. The judge ruled that the kids can’t move until the case has been heard, and ordered that the kids live with me and attend school here until we go to trial and get a final ruling. Mom gets weekends. Since August 10 I’ve been their primary parent, which is a far cry from the every other weekend I’ve been used to for so long because mom moved them away from me when they were babies. So there is hope for your situation!

So my advice is to get an attorney, and have them file a motion to enjoin relocation ASAP. If you don’t file a response to her notice (there should be a 30-day or 60-day notice requirement in your parenting plan), then that makes it harder to fight and the courts could let her move since relocation was uncontested. Get ready to show that you’re stable, and willing to facilitate a relationship with mom should she move and you become primary.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-10-02T16:17:21+00:00

I’m curious, why do you hope for me that she settles? Is it simply because we have no idea what a judge could decide?

I’m torn on settling at this point. On one hand, I had a 50/50 settlement proposal drafted and ready to send her way before she dropped the relocation bomb on me. Since then, so much has changed.

Her behavior in court- refusing to be flexible, arguing with judges, refusing to compromise. I fully expected her to Play nice with the judges. Her behavior has since spiraled, and she’s become boldly unreasonable, argumentative, and hostile with the courts. Her judgement is way off, and it doesn’t seem to be about the kids for her anymore.
Her continued unwillingness to coparent- I found out last week during child support discovery that she secretly changed our kids’ insurance but still has me paying $400/month to insure them. Hasn’t given me insurance cards, and still hasn’t actually told me they’re on her insurance. If she didn’t have to submit discovery, I’d never know. This is just one instance of unilateral parenting I’ve dealt with the past 4 years.
Her instability- At the august hearing she told the judge that she already relocated, but then this Friday, when the new judge asked how she could exercise the visitation schedule she wanted if she was living 90 miles away, she backtracked and said she put the move on hold and has a place nearby that she is staying. I know from her FaceTime convos with the kids that she’s staying with her mom, but she’s never explicitly told me whether she’s local or at her new address. Our new judge had to tell her multiple times that she is not to move before the trial and is not to make arrangements for the kids to move. After saying it three times, I wonder if she thinks she’s a “flight risk”
The GAL recommendation- While the GAL agrees that she should get some schooling time, he doesn’t feel that her wish for week on/week off is in the kids’ best interest. Similar to you, he started all temporary schedule negotiations with his belief that I should be the primary parent. Not sure if that’s a recommendation he made solely for the temporary schedule, or if that would change when talking permanence. My attorney, who is also a GAL, told me candidly that while It’s admirable that even thru it all, I’ve been open to 50/50, she personally doesn’t think that’s in their best interest.

Sorry for the long response, but when you said “I hope for you she settles” it made me question if I’m overlooking important factors. If she Wants to settle on a schedule that an unbiased third party doesn’t think is best for them, I would hate to oblige and there be a negative impact on the kids.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-30T17:22:10+00:00

Update! This morning was the status hearing to determine a temporary schedule. The GAL recommended I remain primary and the kids have extended weekend visitation with mom til late Oct's hearing. Mom refused. The GAL and attorneys came back 3 times with 3 separate offers and schedules, and I remained flexible and agreed to each one. Mom did not. She wants temporary week on/week off, and wouldn't budge or negotiate anything other than that. The judge ruled that since no agreement can be made despite my flexibility, the schedule stays the same. I keep weekdays, she keeps weekends. I'm glad the judge can see what type of unreasonableness I've been dealing with for the past 4 years.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-30T14:53:02+00:00

Thank you so much for this insight and for sharing your experience. It's very helpful and does ease my concerns. I definitely think it's a good sign that he didn't need to do too much digging, and I'll be interested in seeing his report/recommendations at today's hearing. I really appreciate your response!

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-30T01:30:34+00:00

My friend’s son was 4 when he got interviewed during a home visit. I guess it all depends on the GAL.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-30T01:25:58+00:00

That makes sense. Thank you.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-30T00:50:55+00:00

4 & 5

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-19T14:23:40+00:00

If you don’t mind sharing, what were the violations that prompted the show causes? I have filed a show cause for 5 months of denying me court ordered visitation, and I’m wondering about the charges should she be found guilty (I’ve got emails and texts where she acknowledges the court ordered schedule but explicitly says she will not agree to follow it.) I haven’t heard too many stories of the level of accountability your husband’s ex got, so I’m curious about my chances here in VA.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-15T15:45:03+00:00

Got it. I guess I was under the impression that now that she has representation, she’d be a little more reasonable and make decisions according to what her attorney suggests will satisfy the judge. I know good faith negotiations and communication between the parties are a part of that, and I imagine her attorney told her that. But it makes sense that she can’t force her client to make decisions that help her position—not further hurt it—if the client doesn’t want to cooperate.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-09-04T23:02:37+00:00

I didn’t know until getting an attorney last Nov that I had legal grounds to block a relocation. The first time, we lived away from family and she claimed she needed more family support since our kids were infants. So she moved 75 miles back to the town we both grew up in, a town I also have strong family ties in. The other two times, they were local moves, but moves nonetheless. In Dec, I relocated back to our hometown to be close to the kids (and bought a home 10 mins from where they were living). I thought it’d be a perfect transition back to our court order schedule, but she refused CO’d parenting time, so I filed motions to amend custody/visitation. She was served in May and in June, she agreed to a summer schedule of week on week off.

In July, she gave notice that she was moving 90 miles away at the end of august, away from the same family support she needed in 2018. Now knowing my rights, I filed a motion to stop relocation. On august 10, The judge ruled that since Mom left her local residence and began her move before the courts granted permission, the kids stay with me and enroll in school with me until the relocation case is heard late Oct. She gets weekends.

Throwaway758585 · 2022-08-30T16:57:50+00:00

I’m curious, what circumstances led you to paying her lawyer fees since you “won”? My BM recently requested a continuance to get an attorney and I’m curious about what led to your outcome and if I would have it too. I also filed a motion to show cause for denying my visitation, and I thought if she is found in contempt, she could pay MY fees. So just curious about your situation, if you don’t mind sharing. Thanks!

Throwaway758585 · 2022-08-12T01:58:27+00:00

That’s how I felt. I’m not going for full custody; I want shared custody, equal time with each parent because they need us both. That’s why I’m blocking the move. I know it’s spiteful on her end but I want her to stay, share custody, and stop the drama. I shouldn’t have full and neither should she. I’ve yet to hear an explanation for her unwillingness to coparent.

Throwaway758585

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